( culture / humor / jokes )
Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
Still haven't decided where ... read more
( culture / humor / language / english ) This is pretty old, from the old newsletter in 1992, when the Soviet Union still existed, but it's still funny
How English is Being Used in Different Parts of the World
IN A TOKYO HOTEL: Is forbit ... read more
( culture / writing / blog / humor ) Miscellaneous
Had alarm set for 4:15a.m., but the trash collectors in the alley behind my hotel thought 3:30 would be better.
At the airport, I was busted for trying to sneak contraband mouthwash and sweet tea through security
OK how are you supposed to cut a mango? No idea.
How's this for a great... read more
( culture / humor ) Stumbled upon this and thought I'd share. Here's a sample...
Look, buddy, I get it . You have a Ferrari and you "wanna go fast" like Ricky Bobby but maybe central fcking London isn't ... read more
( culture / humor ) Don't you hate it when you're taking the stairs, looking down because it's a struggle, you think you've reached your floor only to look up and see you've got two more to go? Working on the third floor is rough!... read more
( culture / writing / blog / humor ) Walking in from the parking lot into work this morning, on the sidewalk I saw what looked like a trail of blood. There was a big spot of it at the top of the sidewalk, and it dwindled as it continued downhill toward the front door. What the...? This building is out in the middle of formerly beautiful countryside. Maybe a coyote (or a pack) killed a... read more
( life / money / employment / humor ) Got off the phone with @NASA. Had to tell 'em, "Look, I'm not willing to relocate. Stop calling!" OK, so it wasn't actually NASA, I didn't say exactly that, and it wasn't actually a job offer. A recruiter did call about an opportu... read more
( culture / humor / transportation ) Driving wife's Jetta while my car gets serviced. I called it a piece of $h! while I tried to climb out. Its door hit me in the forehead during the struggle. So, I guess we're even.... read more
( culture / humor / jokes ) Joke we heard Lee Child telling (though we're fairly sure he's not the author)...
"If a man speaks in the forest and his wife is not there to hear it, is he still wrong?"... read more
( culture / writing / blog / humor ) Me (joking, the other day): I'm out of toothpaste! Whaddaya gonna do about it?
Wife (without missing a beat): Find a husband with toothpaste, I guess.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I married her. :) And that's why I'm at the store right now, buying toothpaste. ... read more
( culture / humor ) So, I'm walking back from feeding the neighbor's dog while they're on vacation. I see my wife and daughter in the car up ahead, just about to turn onto our street. I'm looking at them. They're looking at me (or at least it feels like it). They're still about a hundred yards away, so I'm not entirely sure. To be silly, I ... read more
( culture / humor ) I think I'm addicted to cereal, I said.
Addicted? she asked.
Yeah, I'm gonna hit the street looking for my latest fix.
And by 'street,' you mean Aisle 3 at Kroger, right?
Don't question my street cred!... read more
( culture / writing / stories / humor ) from February 1990
The High Priest announced, We must sacrifice a human life tonight. The crowd of Mibuku natives milling around the fire immediately tensed and fell silent. Suddenly, the High Priest pointed his holy finger at a lowly servant fanning the Queen. The servant shrieked.... read more
( culture / humor / internet ) I just had to share this comment someone left here on FriendsNews.com. Read it, absorb it, digest it, lather, rinse and repeat it. Then let me know what the %$# it means! Here it is:
"I comprehend that is genuinely uninteresting and you're merely skipping to the next comment, nonetheless i basically preferred to toss... read more
( culture / humor / politics ) "Essentially, pretend the Soviets won the Cold War and then conquered the United States — that's how the government is operating."
via How to know if your coworker is a threat to national security ... read more
( culture / writing / services / humor ) house-cleaning.pngDoling out who would be doing what for today's house cleaning project, my wife Tara assigned the following to me: Strip and make the bed. Knowing me, she then felt the need to clarify this. That means strip the bed. I'll just let that sink in for those who don't immediately get it.
During the chores, ... read more
( culture / humor / blog ) So, my wife tells me most people do the dishes every day. I don't believe her. Every day? I ask.Yes, every day, she says.Every single day? I persist. She nods. You don't mean, I search for clarification, it's something that is an 'every day' thing, but in reality is not done literally every single day, do... read more
( culture / humor / pets ) I love this.
via So God made a dog
"And on the 9th day God looked down on his children and said they need a companion, so God Made A Dog. Paul Harvey-style tribute to dogs." ... read more
( culture / humor ) Bureaucracy at its worst, legal argument at its bestPart of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years.. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes mak ... read more
( culture / humor / jokes ) Montana State Trooper
In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3 a.m. one very cold morning, Montana State Trooper Allan Nixon responded to a call.There was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana.H... read more
( culture / humor / jokes )
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window:
"Cruise Special -- $99!"
She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the
$99 cruise special, please."
The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large
inner tube, then drags her out the... read more
( culture / humor / jokes ) 1972: Long hair2002: Longing for hair1972: The perfect high2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund1972: KEG2002: EKG1972: Acid rock2002: Acid reflux1972: Moving to California because it's cool2002: Moving to California because it's warm1972: Growing pot2002: Growing p ... read more
( culture / humor / travel ) All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight safety lecture and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a fli... read more
( culture / quotes / humor ) 1. Andy Rooney on Monica. Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees.
2. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians. Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter".
3. Andy Rooney on Prisoners. Did you know that it costs forty th ... read more
( culture / humor / jokes ) Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of politicians give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
HONK if you love p... read more
( culture / humor / jokes ) After months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following... read more
( culture / humor / jokes / math ) This equation should be taught in all math classes! From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Wha... read more
( culture / humor / airlines ) AIRLINE GRIPE SHEET
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken ... read more
( culture / humor / jokes ) Healthcare Jokes Click the above headline to hear it. It's a large (2mb) file,so it might take awhile before it starts playing.Frequently Asked Questions About Healthcare Q: What does HMO stand for? A: This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" ... read more
( culture / humor / language ) Did I read that sign right?
In a public
TOILET OUT OF
ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a laundromat:
WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON
... read more