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Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 4 No 3

by bill - 1992-03-23 12:06:12 ( in family, holmes, newsletter) [php version] rebuild

The Leaky Faucet

Vol. 4, No. 3, March 18, 1992

"More of the same, basically."

Doug elected president

With this nation in the throes of its quadrennial tradition of political rhetoric and b.s., one name has gone relatively unnoticed: Douglas Phillip [redacted]. Never heard of him? That will soon change. You see, Mr. [redacted] has been elected President of the Sacramento Chapter of the Hungarian/American Friendship Society. And with the considerable power and persuasion that comes with the title, we will all soon be feeling Doug's presence.

We talked to Doug, and here is what he had to say:

  • LF: What sort of sweeping changes will we be seeing in the near future, now that you've

    been elected President?

  • Doug: First of all, everyone will be required to speak Hungarian.
  • LF: Hungarian? What if they don't want to?
  • Doug: Well, too bad!
  • LF: Okay, fine. Hungarian. What else can we expect in the future?
  • Doug: Everyone will be required to drink coffee out of personalized mugs made

    exclusively by Doug's Mugs.

  • LF: But you don't drink coffee. What about people like yourself? Will they be required

    to start drinking coffee?

  • Doug: I'm afraid so. It's for the good of The Cause.
  • LF: What "cause" is that?
  • Doug: I'm trying to save up enough money to make a second trip to Hungary. The only way

    I'll be able to do that is if I sell enough mugs.

  • LF: A noble cause, indeed. How about the other social ills of this nation? You know,

    unemployment, homelessness, crime, the environment, bad television. How will you address these problems?

  • Doug: Just buy my mugs and everything else will take care of itself.

Dad & Eleanor visit Arizona

Their trip began in Sacramento (because that's where they live). They took Highway 395 south through Bishop, CA; through Las Vegas; and, finally, into the enchanted lands of Phoenix, Arizona (where they attended an ancient ritual know as a "wedding"). After the wedding, Dad and Eleanor went to Jon & Cathi's (the bride's parents) house in Cave Creek, AZ. They saw no caves. No creek. But they did get a tour of the backyard. (And this time, Dad refrained from killing any rattlesnakes.)

From Phoenix, Dad & Eleanor headed west on Interstate 8 through Yuma. In eastern San Diego County the highway ran through mountains of boulders the size of a car! It was hell on the car's suspension.

Finally, they entered the enchanted lands of Santa Ana, where they had dinner with Greg, June and family. Aileen played the piano, Brian drew some cartoons (see below), and Andy -- well, Andy was Andy.

After leaving Santa Ana, the car's alternator went out right in the middle of the morning rush-hour traffic. But they retrieved it and, $167 later, they were back on the freeway and heading north to Sacramento.

On the return trip from Phoenix to Sacramento, Dad & Eleanor's Mercury Cougar averaged 36 miles per gallon (!) and brought the odometer to 142,000 miles (for those of you keeping track).

Bill Gets Perm Job

Bill has taken a position as an administrative assistant in the immigration department of the "world's largest law firm," Baker & McKenzie (they have 50 offices worldwide).

As you can see from the photo, Bill likes to wear a hard hat and walk around with a walkie-talkie.

We're now taking bets on how long he'll keep this job.


A cheerful thought: According to Nostradamus (or, at least, one person's interpretation of the 16th Century astrologer's predictions), "The Big One" [earthquake] will hit California on May 8, 1993. It is said San Diego will sink into the ocean; Los Angeles will be destroyed; and, by way of the San Francisco Bay, the entire California valley floor will be flooded (completely ruining California's farmlands, and everybody's day).

Other than that, 1993 should be a good year.

There was an interesting article in the L.A. Times the other day. It began: "Times are so lean in the north country [Montana] this winter that ... its citizens are fighting over road-kill." The article goes on to say that "Most Montanans look at the road-kill and say, 'Gee, that's a good piece of meat. It shouldn't go to waste.'" Also, "A couple hundred pounds of meat lying by the roadside is all the more appealing during these recessionary times."

Yum, I'm getting hungry.

There was a movie on t.v. recently called "Cold Steel." You can guess by the title that it was your typically predictable "crime drama." Actually, it wasn't the movie that was noteworthy, but the theme song. Then again, it wasn't so much the song itself as it was who sang the song. Well, by now you've probably guessed it. Yes, that's right, the singer was none other than James House, Don's old crony! Of course, it was recorded in James's pre-Nashville days.


Stormy Gets Schutzhund I

Lucy's dog, Stormy, aka "Dummy," aka "Hey You," has achieved something called "Schutzhund I." It's basically a training certificate awarded to dogs that can: (1) track down a scented object; (2) attack a scented human; and (3) obey a scented handler's commands. Of course, with all these scents, we asked Lucy, "What scent attracts Stormy the most?" Lucy replied, "Well, the smell of dog sht probably attracts him the most. But we try to discourage its use in the Schutzhund trials."


St. Patrick's Day
April Fool's Day
Earth Day



Because he has an 800 number (1-800-426-1112). Besides, he has some seriously good ideas; namely, his flat 13% tax proposal, plus the fact that he's not afraid to blow the lid off the corruption currently infesting Capitol Hill. Of course, he'll probably lose to Bill Clinton and Clinton will lose to George Bush. Then again, maybe not.


What's going on here? A couple of issues back, this newsletter predicted that a Democrat (but, specifically not Jerry Brown) would be elected President in November. And now, here you are plugging Jerry Brown!


So what's your point?

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO ... Burton Cummings

Formerly of the Canadian rock group "The Guess Who," as well as a solo artist, Burton Cummings is now doing the Canadian and American national anthems at L.A. Kings hockey games.

It's sad, really.

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