4 Out of 5 Brothers Surveyed Prefer CompuServe

Four of the Holmes boys (Greg, Don, Doug and Bill) and Eric McGovern have moved their e-mail addresses to CompuServe from National Videotex Network ("NVN"). Just a few months earlier they had collectively moved their tack to NVN from the GEnie network.

Why do they keep moving? "These networks keep raising their prices right after we sign on!" said Bill, acting as the group's spokesman despite their protests.

For those of you with no idea what the hell this article is about, all we can say is: It's computer stuff. You wouldn't understand.

LUCY'S DOGS

Lucy has five dogs (at last count). The matriarch of this dog house is, of course, the world-famous Coyote. Coyote has accomplished just about everything a dog can accomplish -- had two litters of puppies, been certified Schutzhund II (obedience and protection skills), etcetera, etcetera -- and is now pretty much retired to a life of leisure. But never mind this "matriarch" stuff.

The king of the yard, without a doubt, is Stormy, the newest male. Stormy, a Rottweiler, rules with an iron fist paw. He recently (if over a year ago can be considered recent) sired a litter of puppies. That proves what a stud he is. [Ha-ha! That's funny! Get it? He's a stud and he sired ... well, never mind.]

Anyway, next in the pecking order comes Credence, the female Rottweiler. It has recently come to our attention that she, like Coyote before her, now enjoys the status of Schutzhund II. [For a complete definition of this Schutzhund thing, read all the past issues of this newsletter. And then call and let us know what you can figure out, okay?] Mike refers to Credence as: Part hog, part dog. If you knew Credence, you might see what he means. Then again, you might not. Don't misunderstand, though. Credence is a great dog. You wanna hear the story of how Lucy picked Credence over all the other puppies available? We'll tell you anyway.

You see, Lucy and Jeannie were conducting a highly scientific test. They wanted to find out which puppy from Chance's (Jeannie's dog) litter of pups was the bravest (a quality Lucy required for her future plans of training that puppy to be a killer attack dog). They made each puppy go outside, one by one, onto Jeannie's porch to meet a strange man . The puppy that showed the least amount of fear (would approach and be friendly with Bill, even though he was so strange, er, a complete stranger) would be named Bravest Puppy Of All. Well, to make a long story mercifully short, Credence was that puppy.

And now that puppy is going to have puppies of her own! Our reporters were doing a stakeout recently at Lucy's house and they report that, yes, Credence is definitely pregnant. After further research our cracked team of researchers discovered that Credence became pregnant right around the time that she won her Schutzhund II rating. It's pretty obvious Credence found time for a little "funny business" during the Schutzhund trials, isn't it?

What about Lucy's other dogs? Well, there's Cassie. She is the daughter of Coyote, and she's a great dog, too. Beautiful, courageous and friendly. We think she has also attained some sort of Schutzhund rating, but we're not sure. We do know she likes to kill cats, which should make Don and Diane happy.

And last comes Etsel. Not Edsel, like the infamous car, but Etsel. "It's a German word," says Lucy. Yeah, right. Lucy's son Mike speaks German and we've never heard him say the word Etsel. Ever. Of course, we've never heard him speak German at all. But that's beside the point. Anyway, Etsel is only about a year new, and he's very friendly, really cute and slobbers a lot.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS OF NASHVILLE

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I've been living here almost three months now, and I figured it was about time I wrote a little something about the town I currently call home. First of all, no one told me it would be so damned cold so soon! Did you know it snowed on Halloween! Of course, since then we've also had Spring-like weather here and there; further evidencing what many have said about Nashville weather: "Y'all just never know."

So far I've been fairly successful in avoiding the "intoxicating" influence that country music holds over this town. Luckily, there is a great radio station here ("Radio Lightning") that plays everything but country music.

Anyway, back to "What Nashville Means To Me."

Since I'm currently on a tight budget, I haven't really had a chance to explore the city properly. I have been able to wander around in my truck and see some things, though. And the first thing I noticed during my wandering was how incredibly bad the traffic and how stupid the drivers are around here. Car and Driver magazine rates Nashville drivers as the worst in the country!

Nashville, by some accounts the "fastest growing city in America," has apparently grown too fast for its own good and the streets are just too small for the volume of cars that pass over them.

What else have I seen? Well, I've seen the Nashville Airport! And I've been downtown. Oh, and I can't forget the State Fairgrounds -- though I studiously avoided it during the actual State Fair, since I hate state fairs. I've also managed to avoid the tourist traps such as the Country Music Hall of Fame, Opryland, the Barbara Mandrell Gift Shop, and The Parthenon (a life-sized replica of the Greek Parthenon building).

I've also driven on pretty much every freeway that passes through town! By the way, did you know that three interstate highways pass through Nashville: the I-65, I-24 and I-40, not to mention the I-440 extension and several other "parkways"?! Fascinating, isn't it?

Okay, by now you've probably figured out that I haven't done a hell of a lot since moving out here. Well, excuse me! I'm not living my life just to entertain you, you know!

In closing, I will say that Nashville -- at first glance at least -- is a lot like any other mid-sized city. It's not all bad and it's not particularly exciting either. It just seems like a nice place to live.