An Irishman moves to the USA and finally attends his first baseball game. The first batter approached the batters box, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run." The next batter hit a single and the Irishman listened as the crowd again cheered "RUN, RUN." The Irishman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called a walk and the batter started his slow trot to first base. The Irishman stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye bastard, run!" The people around him began laughing.
Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down. A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained, "He can't run. He's got four balls."
The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, lad . . . walk with pride."
A young avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gentleman to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Lions team. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards away -- ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away -- ka-blooey! Then a car passed, going 90 mph -- bulls-eye!
"I've got to get this guy!" Ross said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history.
The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of football, and when Ross asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl."
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son."
"I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No, let me tell you," the mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight."
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says "...I'll never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."
A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium, he's closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man says "No."
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," said Joe, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?"
"No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."
Skiing in Utah
Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written in this account by a New Orleans' paper.
A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect. 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.
If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.
Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.
She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusualvista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.
"So. How'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.
"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out-of-control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and pants down around her knees."
"I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realizehow far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."
"So, how'd you break your arm?"
Two women were playing golf one sunny Saturday afternoon. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men standing on the tee box on the next fairway.
Sure enough, the ball hit one of the men He immediately clasped his hands over his crotch and fell to the ground in agony.
The woman rushed over to the man and began to apologize. "Please allow me to help," she begged. "I'm a professional physiotherapist and I can quickly relieve your pain."
"No, I'll be okay, just give me a minute," he said, as he rolled on the ground in the fetal position, still clasping his hands over his crotch.
The woman persisted, and insisted she could help, so the man finally agreed.
She gently took his hands away from his crotch and laid them at his side. Then, she loosened his pants and began to gently massage his privates.
"Does that feel better?" she asked.
"It feels great," he said, "but my thumb still hurts like a bitch."
Toward the end of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods.
Harry, his prrtner laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond.
Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch looking for his ball.
All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. she said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life...better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life...as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!" Then POOF!...she was gone.
After Fred got hold of himself, he hollers for his friend, "Harry, Harry, where are you?
Harry yells, "I'm over here in the pussy willows."
Fred screams back... "DON'T SWING!!! FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T SWING!!
A man walks into an emergency room with a golf club wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, let me explain," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a field of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made the fatal mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well. I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey honey, this looks like yours!"
At one point during a Little League game, the coach called one of his 7 year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is, son? And what a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, and call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother!"
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." - Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996
"You guys line up alphabetically by height. You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my #%@# clothes."
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Drew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
1981 - Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."
1966 - Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?"
1981 - Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time."
1991 - Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."
1986 - Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."
1991 - Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker."
1996 - Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."
1991 - Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers: "He said: 'Gosh, Dad, that means we're not going to any more bowl games."
1998 - David Weeda, New York City Marathon Participant, explaining to friends why he was the toughest runner in the entire field: "I was the only runner who, during training, still smoked, dipped and drank up until the night before the race. Damn I'm tough."
1986 - LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children: "They can't fire me because my family buys too many tickets."
1991 - Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care."
1991 - Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
1987 - Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
1992 - Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
1982 - Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl, " Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
Top 10 Caddy comments
# 10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
# 9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
# 8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
# 7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
# 6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
# 5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
# 4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
# 3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
# 2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
AND the #1 best caddy comment - -
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
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