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Did I Read that Sign Right?
by joker - 1998-01-08 ( culture / humor / language ) [html version]
- In a public restroom
Toilet Out Of Order. Please Use Floor Below - In a laundromat
Automatic Washing Machines
Please Remove All Your Clothes When The Light Goes Out - In a London department store
Bargain Basement Upstairs - In an office
Would The Person Who Took The Step Ladder Yesterday Please Bring It Back Or Further Steps Will Be Taken - In an office
After Tea Break, Staff Should Empty The Teapot And Stand Upside Down On The Draining Board - Outside a secondhand shop
We Exchange Anything -- Bicycles, Washing Machines, Etc. Why Not Bring Your Wife Along And Get A Wonderful Bargain? - Notice in health food shop window
Closed Due To Illness - Spotted in a safari park
Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
I sure hope so - Seen during a conference
For Anyone Who Has Children And Doesn't Know It, There Is A Daycare On The 1st Floor - Notice in a farmer's field
The Farmer Allows Walkers To Cross The Field For Free, But The Bull Charges. - Message on a leaflet
If You Cannot Read, This Leaflet Will Tell You How To Get Lessons - On a repair shop door
We Can Repair Anything. (Please Knock Hard On The Door -- The Bell Doesn't Work)
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
- Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day. - Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think? - Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far! - Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy! - Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! - Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial! - War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect! - If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?! - Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought! - Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something! - Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? - Man Struck By Lightning
Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge! - New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?! - Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans! - Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken? - Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again! - Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall! Would they make a great basketball team. - And the winner is....
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right ?
Award-Winning English Prose
by joker - 2001-01-30 ( culture / humor / language / english ) [html version]
Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. Instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first." Ronald Reagan
Lesson for Today
by bill - 2010-06-15 ( education / language ) [html version]
There is an old hotel/pub in Marble Arch, London which used to have gallows adjacent. Prisoners were taken to the gallows (after a fair trial, of course) to be hung. The horse-drawn dray carting the prisoner was accompanied by an armed guard who would stop the dray outside the pub and ask the prisoner if he would like "ONE LAST DRINK."
If he said YES it was referred to as ONE FOR THE ROAD. If he declined, that prisoner was ON THE WAGON. So there you go. More history...
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot, then once a day it was taken and sold to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor." But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot. They "didn't have a pot to p*ss in" and were the lowest of the low.
And that's the truth. Now, whoever said History was boring?
Word of the Day: Parsimonious
by admin - 2010-11-17 ( education / language / english ) [html version]
Our word of the day is parsimonious
(par-si-MO-nee-uhs)
adjective: Excessively sparing or frugal.
Etymology From Middle English parcimony, from Latin parsimonia, from parcere (to spare). First recorded use: 1598.
Usage "President Calvin Coolidge was so with words that he became known as 'Silent Cal'." -- Rob Christensen; Interesting, But Not Quite Convincing; The News & Observer (Raleigh, North Carolina); Sep 12, 2010. (© Wordsmith Words)
Word of the Day: Dinkum
by admin - 2010-11-21 ( education / language / english ) [html version]
(DING-kuhm)Dinkum, also dinky-di, fair dinkum, adjectiveTrue; honest; genuine.
Etymology: Probably derived, like many other Australian words, from English dialect. The counties of Lincolnshire and Derbyshire had a word or dincum meaning "work; a fair share of work." The word was first recorded in Australia in Rolf Boldrewood's Robbery Under Arms (1888): "It took us an hour's hard dinkum to get near the peak." (© Wordsmith Words)
Cool Website: Wordnik
by admin - 2012-03-25 ( education / language / english ) [html version]
Wordnik. Cool website for those who like words.
I love how they provide samples from articles on the internet. And they provide an explanation/definition to links (if you click it) like the one above.
It claims to be the most comprehensive English dictionary in the world. I don't know about that, but I like it.
And, you can support them by adopting a word.
Language Page
by bill - 2012-06-03 ( education / language ) [html version]
Names in their own tongue and script: Language names in their own tongue and script
"The table shows native/local names for languages in their own scripts, or autoglottonyms. You can click on the Language names that are links to hear how they are pronounced, and on the English names of the languages to find out more about them."
Mystery Solved
by bill - 2012-11-16 ( education / language ) [html version]
I solved an old mystery today, thanks to one of the Russian language podcasts I've been listening to lately. It's a phase I'm going through. I'm starting to listen to Hindi, Chinese and Brazilian Portuguese, too. I guess I'm doing all of the "BRICS" languages for some reason -- except South Africa, since I already speak English fairly well.
Anyway, when we first came home from Russia with Elizabeth she always used to say what sounded like "pajoom." This was usually while she was going out the back door, waving me along after her. I could tell by the context it meant something like "Come on." But I was never sure.
Well, finally today, in one of the podcasts they explained/translated the Russian phrase for "let's go." I was told in Russia by our American hotel manager that Russian for "let's go" is "duh-VYE," which actually (according to him), literally just means "let's." And he was correct.
But today's podcast explained that the "proper" way to say "let's go" in Russian is ... "pah id-YOAM." If you say that fast with a little kid's accent it could easily be misheard as "pajoom."
I know, I lost your interest after the first paragraph. But, for me, it was a wonderful realization to finally know what my little girl was telling me 4½ years ago.
Musical Sign Language Interpreters
by admin - 2013-08-06 ( education / language / help / music ) [html version]
That must be some fast signing. I'd like to see that. I guess they show the beat by tapping their feet? It's got me curious.
We are SO excited to tell y'all that Musical Sign Language Interpreters will be at this weeks show.. and it is..."
facebook.com/NashvilleDancin/posts/411139799006584 -- Nashville Dancin' (@NashvilleDancin) July 31, 2013
Her Own Language
by bill - 2014-06-06 ( education / language / elizabeth ) [html version]
I love how my daughter, Elizabeth, 9, makes up words.
Tonight I was complimenting her on what a good fruit smoothie she'd just made. I said she should always try to remember how much of each ingredient she used so she can make it again. So, she was going through the list of ingredients: two bananas, some of those [honeydew] melon pieces, a pynk of grapes...
"A what of grapes?"
"A pynk," she explained. "You know, one of these stems."
"Ah, yes, a pynk," I said. "I think technically it's called a 'bunch.'"
Or part of a bunch, I guess. Now I'm not sure, myself. Earlier, she was telling me how she and her best friend at school, Taylor, have made up their own language. She gave me a few examples, including the name of the language itself, which is secret. Its name alone is as long as a sentence, and I couldn't reveal the secret if I wanted to.
It sounds mostly Italian with just a hint of Russian. And, no, she's never been taught Italian, just a little Spanish and Russian, with the tiniest bit of French lately.
I've been making her say "please" and "thank you" in "any two languages other than English" lately. At least she'll know how to be polite in a few foreign countries... maybe... in case we visit any. :) 
Dolphins Speak in Holographic Language
by bill - 2015-12-15 ( education / science / animals / language ) [html version]
Very cool!
Read, listen or watch the rest here: scientists-reveal-that-dolphins-speak-in-a-holographic-language/
UPDATE: The commenters are mostly unconvinced.
How to Spell Trampoline
by bill - 2017-01-28 ( education / language ) [html version]
Trampoline ends in "ine" not "ene" as I had thought. Just FYI for next time someone tells you that's the wi-fi password and you can't get online to look it up. :)
Lingmo Language Translator
by admin - 2017-09-17 ( education / language / tech ) [html version]
Wow, I want one of these! Real-time language translation device whispers into your ear in real time as it's listening to the person speaking.
This Week's Literacy Rant
by bill - 2017-10-29 ( education / language / grammar / english ) [html version]
OK, people, the word is "led" (when pronounced "led") not "lead" unless you're referring to the metal. I'm not surprised to see this in social media where it's acceptable (cool, even) to be completely illiterate, but I keep seeing it in news articles written by supposed journalists.
A few examples, below (petty of us, yes, but we had the time, so...):
Interestingly, all three articles involve court cases, and they used the valid word "pleaded" where I would have used "pled."
I know, who cares, right?
Yet Another Grammar Rant
by bill - 2017-11-14 ( education / language / grammar ) [html version]
In addition to "honoring our veteran's," how about if we honor our teachers who taught us punctuation, spelling, and the difference between possessive and plural? :)
Another Grammar Complaint
by bill - 2018-02-20 ( education / language / grammar / english ) [html version]
I used to be able to spot junk email by its bad grammar, spelling and punctuation. Now, even "legitimate" emails often fail the test. It makes the grammar Nazi in me very sad. And, no, I'm not a fan of the Oxford comma.
Word Hippo
by admin - 2019-01-25 ( education / language ) [html version]
Useful site here: Word Hippo.
"Thesaurus and word tools for your creative needs."
Mangled English
by bill - 2020-04-11 ( culture / humor / language / english ) [html version]
This is pretty old, from the old newsletter in 1992, when the Soviet Union still existed, but it's still funny
How English is Being Used in Different Parts of the World
It is strictly forbidden on our camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
Spelling and Grammar Online
by bill - 2020-04-17 ( education / language / grammar / internet ) [html version]
When is that spelling-and-grammar-checking feature coming to Facebook, Instagram, etc.? It's not that my own (or anyone's) grammar and punctuation are flawless (too many contradictory rules), but can we all at least try harder for the sake of being understood?
Should I Capitalize that Dog Breed Name?
by bill - 2020-05-14 ( education / language / grammar / english ) [html version]
In a word, no. See style.mla.org/capitalizing-names-of-dog-breeds
"Do not routinely capitalize the names of dog breeds. Many breed names are composed of proper nouns that you capitalize [like Boston] and generic terms (like retriever or terrier) that you lowercase.
Earbud-like Device Claims to Boost Linguistic Skills
by admin - 2020-08-10 ( education / tech / language ) [html version]
"The simple gadget dramatically improves the wearer's ability to learn new words, say the University of Pittsburgh team behind the research new..."
Read, listen or watch the rest here: Earbud-like-device-claims-boost-linguistic-skills-zapping-ear.html
This So-Called Pandemic is Not Even An Epidemic
by bill - 2020-08-16 ( education / language / semantics / covid ) [html version]
One-third (now one-sixth) of one percent does not constitute an epidemic, let alone a "pandemic". Semantics, I know, but can they not even get the language right?
- 330,102,000 population (see census.gov)
- 2,800,000 cases
- 130,000 "related" deaths (which means they may have had covid-19 as a co-morbidity, not the sole, verifiable cause of death)
Percentage-wise, it looks like this:
Read, listen or watch the rest here: globalresearch.ca
"The RT-PCR test is just a means of detecting SARS-CoV-2, and that test is unreliable. Some people are asymptomatic, or with mild symptoms. Testing positive, which is already subject to interpretation, does not mean "sick". Other doctors, including virologists, say so and warn of the current danger of this confusion maintained by official bodies."
One third of 1 percent of the U.S. population. Somebody needs to lookup the meaning of the word "pandemic." Masks are irrelevant unless you're immunocompromised.
The CDC's own "covid-19 by the numbers" page has absolutely nothing on the number of cases and/or deaths. It looks more like a bullet-point marketing campaign summary geared toward idiots/governors.
"A host of studies in the U.S. and around the world showing that the vast majority of covid "cases" cause mild symptoms or none, and showing the IFR to be equal to or lower than that for most flus, forced the CDC to conclude that the lethality rate, far from being 5 percent, was 0.26% -- double that of a typical flu. Instead of amending their recommendations in the face of this reality, the CDC and the U.S. government tried to hide it by manipulating the definition and number of covid "cases" -- Source realclearpolitics.com
For more on the subject, click here, here or here
What is Title Case?
by admin - 2020-11-25 ( education / language / grammar / english ) [html version]
This might be useful: title-case-capitalization
"Title case is one of the conventions used for capitalizing the words in a title, subtitle, heading, or headline: capitalize the first word, the last word, and all major words in between. Also known as up style and headline style."
When to Use Who Instead of Whom
by bill - 2020-11-26 ( education / language / grammar / english ) [html version]
Almost everyone uses the word "whom" incorrectly. "Whom" is ONLY correct when following a preposition as in "of whom," "to whom," "from whom," etc. That is the ONLY time you use "whom" instead of "who." And, yes, even your English teacher probably gets it wrong. :) "Who" without the "m" is a perfectly valid word.
American-English Words that Seem to Be Universal
by bill - 2021-03-08 ( education / language / english ) [html version]
[Updated: 2022-08-31 18:20:59]
Judging by foreign-language TV shows/movies I've watched, here are a few English and/or American-English words / mutterings / phrases that now seem universal, no matter which language you speak:
Of course, the Italian word "ciao" has been universal for years.
And, it's always possible English stole the others from other languages, as we are wont to do.
Any others? I feel like I'm missing at least one obvious one. Leave a comment, below...
Foreign Words We Use in English
by bill - 2021-04-18 ( education / language / english ) [html version]
This first one, lexico.com, is a great site on this subject, though a LOT of the words they list are never used by anyone but dilettantes (from the French and, surprisingly, not listed there).
20-best-foreign-loanwords-in-english
english-words-from-other-languages
something-borrowed-english-words-with-foreign-origins
english-words-from-other-languages
words-you-use-without-realizing-theyre-foreign-language
foreign-phrases-that-we-use-every-day-in-english
And on the flip side, here's English words and phrases used by foreigners.
Word of the Day: Fascism
by admin - 2021-07-14 ( education / language / english ) [html version]
[Updated: 2022-10-27 09:36:12]
"Fascism is not an ideology, it's a means to power" -- Benito Mussolini
According to Merriam Webster online, it means: a political philosophy, movement, or regime... that exalts nation and often race above the individual... In Italian, the word fascio (plural fasci) means literally "bundle," and figuratively "group."
Replace "nation and race" with "government and corporations" and you should see what we have today (for decades, already) is essentially fascism. The Group over the Individual.
This fake "pandemic" and now push for its "vaccine" have only made it worse. On the bright side, it has made it clear who our real enemies are: Group Think, and dishonest/gullible "Officials," "Experts" and "Leaders."
The solution is simple: Be your own leader, your own savior, while cooperating with others (as well as possible, assuming they're sane) for a healthy group-individual balance.
UPDATE: White people most gullible? See chart:
Lambast Vs. Lambaste
by admin - 2021-09-10 ( education / language / english ) [html version]
"While the exact derivation of the word is not definitively known, the OED posits that it's a combination of lam and baste, both of which bear the sense (now archaic for both words) to beat soundly. Other sources agree. And lambaste is the older form. In historical Google Books searches, lambast is almost nonexistent before 1850. It appears increasingly in the second half of that century, including in works by Charles Dickens and Rudyard Kipling (British authors)."
Read, listen or watch the rest here: grammarist.com/spelling/lambast-lambaste
It's a Myth that Adults Can't Learn Languages as Easily as Kids
by admin - 2021-10-03 ( education / language ) [html version]
"Adults can learn a second language as fast as children, reports a new study, and it's only the conditions in which a child learns a second language that's given kids a reputation as such fast learners. This means that adults can develop the increased neural connections typical of..."
What Is the Difference Between a Chest of Drawers and a Bureau
by bill - 2022-07-16 ( education / language / english ) [html version]
Because I keep wondering what to call that thing we have in our entryway/foyer (another term I go back and forth on)! Here is an explanation:
"The main difference between the chest of drawers and the bureau is that a chest has multiple compartments while a bureau has only one large compartment. A bureau also has a mirror, while a chest doesn't."
Read, listen or watch the rest here: chest-of-drawers-vs-bureau-what-is-the-difference
Australia drops plan to fine social media giants accused of enabling misinformation
by admin - 2024-11-25 ( education / language / english ) [html version]
"Australia's government said it had dropped plans to fine internet platforms up to 5% of their global revenue for failing to prevent the spread of misinformation online...."
MLB bans 2 fans who grabbed Betts indefinitely
by admin - 2025-01-10 ( education / language / english / headlines ) [html version]
"Major League Baseball has banned two fans, Austin Capobianco and John P. Hansen, who interfered with Dodgers star Mookie Betts during a World Series game at Yankee Stadium from attending any games at big league ballparks...."
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