by joker - 1998-01-06 21:00:00 ( in culture, humor, jokes) [php version]
Frequently Asked Questions About Healthcare
Q: What does HMO stand for?
Q: Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
Q: I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
Q: What are pre-existing conditions?
Q: Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
Q: What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
Q: My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
Q: I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
Q: What should I do if I get stick while traveling?
Q: No. I mean, what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
Q: I think I need a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
Q: What accounts for the largest portion of healthcare costs?
Q: Will health care be any different in the next century?
Drivers License Application - California Department of Vehicles
Name: _______________ Stage name: ________________
Agent: ______________ Attorney: __________________
Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both
If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way?
Yes___ No ___
Please list brand of cell phone: __________________. (If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.)
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead
Please indicate activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the backseat
[ ] Having sex
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X ] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety magazine
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
Please indicate how many times
Please indicate your number of therapy sessions per week: ____
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
If none, please explain:________________________
What is the length of your daily commute?
If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
In the event of an earthquake, you should:
In the event of rain, you should:
When stopped by police, you should:
Nurse Tails and other sights
True stories, supposedly
A man comes into the ER and yells 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and begins to take off her underwear. Suddenly he notices that there are several cabs, and he's in the wrong one.
A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' instructed the nurse. 'Yes, they used to be,' remorsed the patient.
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more that five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, 'Cover your right eye with your hand.' He read the 20/20 line perfectly. 'Now your left.' Again, a flawless read.
'Now both,' I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, 'You're not coming in here with me. This is a one-seater!'
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?', asked the doctor. 'The patch.' The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see....Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered, 'Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive.'
And of course, the best is saved for last....
A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' the patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
It seems this guy had been experimenting with an unusual method of seeking autoerotic gratification; namely, inserting a live fish into his anus. What he hadn't counted on was the fish's scales acting, in effect, like one of those sets of driveway spikes that allow you to drive over them one way but puncture your tires if you try to go the other way. In his pain and panic, he dialed 9-1-1. The EMT arrived, surveyed the situation, and said, "Son, you gotta learn to chew your food better."
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, 'I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.'
The second said, 'I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.'
The third said, 'I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.'
The fourth one said, 'I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable.'
Fifth surgeon said, 'I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end...'
The Millers were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Miller made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
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