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Hospital Charts

by joker - 1998-01-04 ( culture / humor / jokes )

NOTATIONS ON HOSPITAL CHARTS

Actual Sentences or notations Found In Patients' Hospital Charts

  • 1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
  • 2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  • 3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
  • 4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
  • 5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
  • 6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
  • 7. Healthy-appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
  • 8. The patient refused autopsy.
  • 9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
  • 10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
  • 11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
  • 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  • 13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
  • 14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
  • 15. She is numb from her toes down.
  • 16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
  • 17. The skin was moist and dry.
  • 18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
  • 19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
  • 20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
  • 21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
  • 22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
  • 23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
  • 24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. [just how big IS "circus sized"?]
  • 25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
  • 26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
  • 27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
  • 28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
  • 29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
  • 30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
  • 31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
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