by joker - 1998-01-06 21:00:00 ( in culture, humor, jokes) [php version]
Blonde in a hailstormA blonde is driving home and she gets caught in a really bad hail storm.The hail is as big as tennis balls, and she ends up with her car covered with large dents. So the next day she takes her car to the repair shop. The shop owner, seeing she is blonde, decides to have a little fun. He tells her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe, really hard, and all the dents will just pop out. The blonde drives home, gets out of the car, gets down on her hands and knees and starts blowing into the tail pipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happens. Meanwhile, her roommate, also a blonde, comes home and asks, "What in the world are you doing?" The blonde car owner tells her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the hail dents to pop out. Her blonde roommate rolls her eyes and says, "Hell-OOOO!?!? Don't you think you should roll up the windows first?"
Young ventriloquistA young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little sh*t on your knee!"
Blonde GUY jokeAn Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping, saying, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."
Blonde BreakdownA blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before Highway Patrol shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?"
"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.
"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop.
"Those are my emergency flashers."
Deer hunting with a blondeA blond and her mate were deer hunting out in the woods when her mate falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The blond whips out her cell phone and calls 911. She gasps to the operator, "My husband is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The blonde's voice comes back on the line. She says, "OK, now what?
LottoA blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Brandi again prays... God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself...
"Brandi, work with Me on this. Buy a ticket."
A Blonde Buys a CokeThere was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents studied the machine a little pushed a Diet Coke selection and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew.
As she was reaching into her purse again the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.
"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh! I'm still winning"
Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Q: Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet?
A: She thought it was diet coke.
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
Q: How does the blonde car pool to work?
A: They all meet at work at 7:45.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
A: It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for French fries.
Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A2: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off...
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Two blondes trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hangerBlonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better try harder, it's starting to rain and the top is down!
A blonde driving down the highway to DisneylandWhen she saw a sign that said DISNEYLAND LEFT, she said to herself "oh well!", turned around and drove home.
Blonde in PainA young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over," said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts."
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."
Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why, yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken finger."
Blonde on horsebackA blonde had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.
How to keep a blonde busy for hours
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Q: How do you keep your blonde secretary occupied?
A: Give her a bag of M&M's and tell her to alphabetize them. Q:What do you call it when a blonde drives down the street with her head out the window?
Q: Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
A: They're too hard to retrain.
Q: What do you call nine blondes standing in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle in the typewriter.
Q: What's the definition of eternity?
A: Four blondes at a four-way stop.
Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean?
A: An air pocket.
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? "Oh look! Donut seeds!" Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts? This Goes In front. A blonde went in to the hairdresser to get her haircut. She was wearing headphones. When the hairdresser asked her to remove them, she told her she couldn't. The hairdresser told her she would have to take them off in order to get a good haircut and she said, "I can't. The doctor said if I take them off I will die." So the hairdresser proceeded to cut her hair with the headphones on. In the process, she accidentally knocked them off and the lady fell over dead. They were startled and couldn't figure out why that would have happened.They picked up the headphones to listen and heard a voice saying, "Breathe in-breathe out, breathe in-breathe out..." Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.The first blond said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said,"No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down." A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!" Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night. What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned in Spring training. What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? "Look! they spelled MACYS wrong!" Why do blondes like lightning? They think someone is taking their picture. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? To see what was on the other side. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday. Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice? Because it said 'concentrate'. A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke category of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."
51 DaysA bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table.
The corks are popped, the glasses filled and they begin toasting and chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender cant contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed childs puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "Whats all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
ThermosA blond woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, "What is that?"
The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos."
The blond then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
So she buys one. The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blond, asks, "What is that shiny object?"
She replies "It's a thermos."
He asks, "What does it do?"
She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
He then asks, "What do you have in there?"
"Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle."
Lost in SpaceA blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.
The brunette said, "We should go to Mars."
The redhead said, "We should go to the Moon."
The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while. Suddenly, the blonde shouts, "Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to ... the Sun!"
The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing.
The brunette finally said, "You can't go to the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!"
The blonde said, "Not if you go at night. DUH!"
Getting NailedTwo blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.
The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"
The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"
Three blondes leap to their deathA police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building. He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks: "Why did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"
The blonde answers in a very weak voice: "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads with wings"
Blonde on the InterstateAs the blonde was scootin' down the interstate, her cell phone rang. Answering, she heard her mother's voice urgently warning her, "I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I-5. Please be careful!"
"Hell," answered the daughter, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
The blonde's revengeQ. What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
A. Brown-bagging it.
Q. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
A. No one else wants it.
Q. Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
A. So brunettes can remember them.
Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Q. What's a brunette's mating call?
A. "Has the blonde left yet?"
Q. What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A. The invitation
Q. What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A. A hostage
Q. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A. A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Q. What's a brunette's mating call?
A. "Has the blonde left yet? "
Q. Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
A. The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable. Q. Why is brunette considered an evil color?
A. When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?
Q. Who makes bras for brunettes?
Q. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A. It matches their mustache.
Going home earlyThree women all work in the same office with the same female boss.
Everyday, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they'd be right behind her. After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know.
Jigsaw PuzzleOne morning this blond calls her friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."
Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"
The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moments, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."
"Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
TreesA state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am...that's your air freshener."
Dumb Blonde JokesA blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on "Science and Nature". The question was: "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a few moments and then asked, "Is it on or off?" A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway and was flabbergasted to see the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" An executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. Wanting to find out something about her personality, he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" She quickly responded, "The living one." A Russian, an American and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot," they laughed. "You'll burn up!"
"We're not stupid, you know," the Blonde replied. "We're going at night!"
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied,
"There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
Blonde Strikes BackA blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blond replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
WARNING NOT A HOAX SEND THIS WARNING TO EVERYONE ON YOUR EMAIL LIST. IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY AND ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS. THIS IS A SCAM, HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so cheap!
Signed, The Blonde
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