Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 3 No 8

 

The Leaky Faucet

Vol. 3, No. 8, December 10, 1991

Steve & Denise host Thanksgiving

Turkey was served and everybody ate it. What else is there to say? Okay, so it was an excellent meal thanks to the efforts of Denise and those who brought side dishes. And the dinner rolls were especially good.

Doug provided before-dinner entertainment with the obligatory photo session and four, count 'em, four videos that he has produced himself. One of the videos, "Holmes vs. [redacted]" (the volleyball epic), though receiving high marks for technical excellence, was generally yawned at due to lack of any recognizable stars.

Bill gets new address

Yeah, yeah, you're tired of hearing this over and over again, so we'll keep it short and sweet. The new address is __ Vinton Ave., #__, L.A., CA 90034, (310) x-x.

Doug to host Christmas

Christmas will be at Doug's house this year! There's nowhere to sit, but hey, what better place to have a Christmas gathering? But don't tell Doug. It's a surprise. As further incentive to show up, Bill promises not to be there!

Tiffany to ride in Christmas parade

Tiffany is scheduled to ride in this year's Lathrop Christmas parade. She won't be riding her own horse, "Galaxy", but one that she and her mother, Jeannie, are taking care of. Tiffany has plenty of experience with this horse, for a few weeks ago she was thrown to the ground while riding it.

"I let it throw me on purpose," says Tiffany, "just to see what it would be like." Of course, after being thrown Tiffany climbed right back on and rode that horse until it knew who was boss.

"She likes a horse that bucks," explains Jeannie. "She's practicing to be a rodeo rider."

SURVEY

We had an independent survey taken of our readers to see just what improvements, if any, they would like to see made in this newsletter. Here's what they came up with (the most popular responses are listed first):

• Stop publishing the damned thing!
• Have more interesting news items.
• Have at least one interesting news item per issue, please!
• Needs some sort of political agenda. Can't tell if it's Republican or Democrat.
• Needs to be funnier.
• Print it on colored paper.
• Print it on toilet paper, so it will at least be useful.
• Make it a daily and charge $1 per issue.

BIRTHDAYS, ETC.

Jesus
Winter Solstice
Jeannie

REACTION TO DOUG'S "ADOPT-A-GHOST" CAMPAIGN

Uncle Joe: I loved it!
Steve: It was ... different.
Jeannie: It was hilarious!
Bill: It scared me. Please don't do it again.
Don: What a great idea! Where do I sign up?

WORDS OF WISDOM

Never play Scrabble with more than four people. All you'll do is come up with three and four letter words worth five or six points each and you'll finish last and everyone will laugh at you and you'll go crazy and start writing newsletters!

MEANINGFUL DISCUSSIONS

Should California be split in two? That issue has been raised by a member of the California Legislature, and we thought we would address it here. Would a "North California" be able to survive without its southern neighbors? Remember, the proposal is to cut California in half just north of Sacramento and the Bay Area. Given that border, what's left? Eureka? Yuba City? Hardly thriving communities.

I say, let the northerners break away! See how long they last, the no-account hillbillies! Maybe California should be split up three ways: Northern, Central and Southern. And a huge wall should be put up on every border! They can re-use the new Berlin Wall!

[Responsible rebuttals can be sent to The Leaky Faucet c/o "No-Account Hillbillies."

ANOTHER DISTURBING THOUGHT:

You've heard the term "third world." But, what exactly are the three worlds? Well, the "first world" presumably refers to the industrialized, modern nations. The "third world" seems to apply to those countries that have not quite caught up with the "first world." But what constitutes the "second" world? We have no idea, and we would like someone out there to explain these things to us.

BEST HALLOWEEN COSTUME

The "Best Halloween Costume" award this year goes to Michael who went dressed as an East German border guard, complete with German shepherd guard dog ("Coyote").

MOVIE REVIEWS
by Mil Kdud

Silence of the Lambs -- Excellent movie, though I missed a lot of it because everyone around me was drunk.
King Ralph -- Not bad, actually. I was surprised. Worth renting. It had me giggling throughout.
Don't Tell Her It's Me -- Lousy. I think I only laughed once. It was supposed to be a comedy, I think.
Hot Shots -- Fairly amusing. Had some pretty funny scenes.
Sleeping With The Enemy -- A little predictable, though Julia Roberts is always nice to look at. Worth renting. But then, what isn't?

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO...

Gabe Kaplan (from the t.v. show "Welcome Back Kotter") ... ?

He's now doing a sports talk radio show on KLAC in Los Angeles called "Sports Nuts."

So now you know.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

[The following letter may not be suitable for children or the faint of heart.]

Well, I've moved into my new apartment. And it sure is nice to be out of the living situation I'd been in for the past couple of months! My ex-roommates were driving me up a wall! Constant arguing, constant drinking. Maybe I should tell you a little bit about them:

Mark is a complete idiot/ drug-dealing/ alcoholic. He was thrown in jail recently as he was leaving a known drug-dealer's house. It was Mark's bad luck that the house was at that moment being surrounded by police. And just a few days before that, he broke into the apartment of three girls in the neighboring apartment house. He didn't do anything once he got into their apartment. He just fell asleep on the floor and then took off running when the girls found him. The girls knew him and pressed charges. When the police came looking for him the next day, he was hiding in his bedroom but, for some reason, they didn't bother entering the house. They only left their business card and told us to have Mark call them. It was all pretty weird.

Mark's ex-girlfriend, Mary, shared a room with him. That in itself was a weird situation, for they both insisted they were no longer boyfriend and girlfriend. They were both seeing other people, yet they slept in the same bed every night. Mary, like Mark, is a complete idiot. She's also a tease and an instigator. She had an affair with one of the roommates, P.R., and somehow managed to keep it secret from Mark for several months. Obviously, she didn't keep it secret from me. She told me all about it. I wish she hadn't, actually, because that's all she ever talked about when Mark and P.R. weren't there, and it got pretty tiresome. But it seems I was the only person she could talk to (probably because I was about the only one she wasn't sleeping with).

The fourth roommate, Juan, is also an alcoholic. Come January, he'll be going to jail for two months because of his third drunk-driving ticket.

P.R., the one who was originally so inconsiderate as to invite me to live there, is currently staying with a friend in Hermosa Beach. P.R. is also an alcoholic. I guess you could say I was an alcoholic too for the 2 months that I was living there, I drank so much; though, for the month that Mark and P.R. were in Europe, I hardly had a drink. Really.

Anyway, the "Idiots of 3720 Westwood," as we were probably known throughout the neighborhood, have disbanded. Everybody's moving away. Mark and P.R. will be getting a two-bedroom of their own. (It amazes me that P.R. could be so stupid as to move in with Mark.) I have already moved into my new place. And Juan will soon be in jail. Mary says she'll be getting a place of her own, though you never really know what Mary might do. She'd been bugging me to move into a two-bedroom with her, but I didn't want to. Why not? Because Mary is the most aggravating person I've ever met, and I'm sure I would have regretted moving in with her.

I guess I'll have to find some new friends. -- Bill

You know a newsletter's in bad shape when its editor has to write a letter to himself just to have something to put in "Letters to the Editor"!