HARD COPY

Predictions for 1990

• Elvis Presley will still be dead.
• Vice-President Quayle will be kicked out of office and reassigned as Ambassador to Libya.
• Los Angeles will secede from the Union and nobody will care.
• The Raiders will move to Sacramento, then Oakland, then back to Los Angeles.
• Don will be arrested for accessing secret military computers. He will be tried for treason and sent to Panama.
• Greg and June will buy a cow and market their own brand of yogurt.
• Doug will get lost in the wilderness for several months before finally emerging with a tale of abduction by aliens and proof of the existence of the Lost City of Atlantis. He'll have pictures.
• Bill will be involved in a boating accident, lose his memory and, afterwards, start his own religion. He'll call it "Myanetics: A Science of Mine."

New Year's Resolutions

• Steve: Lose weight and beat Bill in tennis
• Denise: Find a cure for 2nd graders
• Lucy: Stop taking amphetamines
• Doug: Get a "real" job
• Jeannie: Make the roller derby all-star team
• John: Be first human to ride a motorcyle around the world
• Mike: Become Chancellor of East Germany
• Bill: Win the Pulitzer Prize for journalism
• Greg: Single-handedly remove all toxic waste
• Dad & Eleanor: Win the lottery, any lottery, just once
• Don: Start smoking again
• Diane: Eradicate the world's lower back problems

Interview

[WARNING! Due to the delicate nature of the following interview, it may not be suitable for children.]

This week we interviewed Lucy [redacted], a mild-mannered DMV investigator from Livingston,

CA, while her friend (we'll call him "Ken") watched in horror.

• HARD COPY: Would you put the gun down, please?
• Lucy: Oh, sorry. Bad habit. I'd like you to meet Ken.
• HARD COPY: Hi Ken. So, I hear you're pregnant.
• Ken: What?!
• HARD COPY: I was talking to Lucy.
• Lucy: I'm not pregnant. My dog "Coyote" is.
• HARD COPY: Oh. Well, that screws up my whole interview!
• Lucy: Sorry.
• HARD COPY: So, how do you go about getting a dog pregnant?
• Lucy: Excuse me?
• HARD COPY: I mean, do you take out ads? Or do you, like, walk her up and down the

  street until she meets a cute male dog from a good family, or what?

• Lucy: Oh, please!
• HARD COPY: Wait, don't leave! We're not finished yet. So, what are you going to

  name the puppies?

• Lucy: Oh, you know, just One, Two, Three, Four, like that. Just depends on how

  many puppies there are, you see.

• HARD COPY: Really? That's amazing! I had a dog named Zero! But he ran away.
• Lucy: Somehow I'm not surprised. Look, I've got to go. I just remembered I have

  to get all my teeth pulled out.

• HARD COPY: Well, hey, let's do this again sometime! It's been a real treat!
• Lucy: Yeah. I'll call you.