NEW LOS ANGELES DRIVER'S EXAM
For those of you who are not fortunate enough to live in Los Angeles, here is a copy of the Los Angeles Driver's Exam. For those of you who are, study real hard.
This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area. Here it is:
GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:
Stage name: ____________________
Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ____both
"If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___
Please list brand of cell phone: ________
*If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:_______________
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead
Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
Please indicate how many times you:
a) expect to shoot at other drivers
b) expect to be shot at while driving
If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss a lawsuit against your cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
In the event of an earthquake, you should:
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH
b) drive twice as fast as usual
c) you're not sure what "rain" is
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ______
Are you presently taking any of the following medications_______
*If none, please explain: __________________
Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more
When stopped by police, you should:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.
As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination."
Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did hear her right; is the captain a woman? I think I better have scotch and soda. When the attendants came by with drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit."
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave and they're getting a little impatient. But the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon and the flight can take off immediately thereafter.
The entrance opens and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms -- both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a white-tipped cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men enter the cockpit. The door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing around, nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the edge of the water at the end of the airport's property. It begins to look as though the plane will never take off-but will plow into the water!! Panicked screams fill the cabin, but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly. Soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
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