( culture / humor / jokes )
Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
Still haven't decided where to go fo ... read more
( culture / humor / english / humor ) This is pretty old, from the old newsletter in 1992, when the Soviet Union still existed, but it's still funny
How English is Being Used in Different Parts of the World
IN A TOKYO HOTEL: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to d ... read more
( culture / humor / humor ) Miscellaneous
Had alarm set for 4:15a.m., but the trash collectors in the alley behind my hotel thought 3:30 would be better.
At the airport, I was busted for trying to sneak contraband mouthwash and sweet tea through security
OK how are you supposed to cut a mango? No idea.
Wife said she wanted a collander. I thought i ... read more
( culture / humor ) Stumbled upon this and thought I'd share. Here's a sample...
Look, buddy, I get it . You have a Ferrari and you "wanna go fast" like Ricky Bobby but maybe central fcking London isn't the place fo ... read more
( culture / humor / stories ) Don't you hate it when you're at work? The end. Wait, that's not the end. You're at work — on the bottom floor, because that's where the snack machine is — and you decide to use the restroom. The cleaning lady is in there, with her cart blocking the door. So, you take the stairs back to your floor, the sixth, because you haven't m ... read more
( culture / humor / jokes ) Screw in a light bulb
Q: How many Star Trek crew members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six. Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say, I canna do it, Cap'n! I'm not a miracle worker!; Spock to tell Kirk he is proceeding illogically; McCoy to say Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor not an electrician!; ... read more
( education / news / politics / humor ) This pretty well sums up the stupidity known as Russia-gate: russiagate cartoon.
And, can we please stop adding gate to the end of every scandal? Millennials are too young to remember Watergate, the original gate.
Thank you for your coope ... read more
( culture / humor ) Don't you hate it when you're taking the stairs, looking down because it's a struggle, you think you've reached your floor only to look up and see you've got two more to go? Working on the third floor is rough! ... read more
( culture / humor / transportation ) This is too funny not to share. See German man's car found 20 years after he lost it in parking garage.
"Almost every driver has been there — when parking in a large lot or garage, it ca ... read more
( culture / humor ) Walking in from the parking lot into work this morning, on the sidewalk I saw what looked like a trail of blood. There was a big spot of it at the top of the sidewalk, and it dwindled as it continued downhill toward the front door. What the...? This building is out in the middle of formerly beautiful countryside. Maybe a coyote (or a pack) killed a ... read more
( culture / humor / transportation ) Driving wife's Jetta while my car gets serviced. I called it a piece of $h! while I tried to climb out. Its door hit me in the forehead during the struggle.
So, I guess we're even. ... read more
( culture / humor / jokes ) Joke we heard Lee Child telling (though we're fairly sure he's not the author)...
"If a man speaks in the forest and his wife is not there to hear it, is he still wrong?" ... read more
( culture / humor ) Me (joking, the other day): I'm out of toothpaste! Whaddaya gonna do about it?
Wife (without missing a beat): Find a husband with toothpaste, I guess.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I married her. :) And that's why I'm at the store right now, buying toothpaste. ... read more
( culture / humor ) So, I'm walking back from feeding the neighbor's dog while they're on vacation. I see my wife and daughter in the car up ahead, just about to turn onto our street. I'm looking at them. They're looking at me (or at least it feels like it). They're still about a hundred yards away, so I'm not entirely sure. To be silly, I pretend to try and hide behi ... read more
( culture / humor ) I think I'm addicted to cereal, I said.
Addicted? she asked.
Yeah, I'm gonna hit the street looking for my latest fix.
And by 'street,' you mean Aisle 3 at Kroger, right?
Don't question my street cred! ... read more
( culture / humor / blog / internet ) I just had to share this comment someone left here on FriendsNews.com. Read it, absorb it, digest it, lather, rinse and repeat it. Then let me know what the %$# it means! Here it is:
"I comprehend that is genuinely uninteresting and you're merely skipping to the next comment, nonetheless i basically preferred to toss a s ... read more
( culture / humor / blog / humor ) So, my wife tells me most people do the dishes every day. I don't believe her. Every day? I ask.Yes, every day, she says.Every single day? I persist. She nods. You don't mean, I search for clarification, it's something that is an 'every day' thing, but in reality is not done literally every single day, do you?No, she i ... read more
( culture / humor / pets ) I love this.
via So God made a dog
"And on the 9th day God looked down on his children and said they need a companion, so God Made A Dog. Paul Harvey-style tribute to dogs." ... read more
( culture / humor ) Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years.. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership.
A New Orl ... read more
( culture / humor ) Montana State Trooper
In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drip to single digits or below. About 3 a.m. one very cold morning, Montana State Trooper Allan Nixon responded to a call.There was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana.H ... read more
( culture / humor ) And one t-shirt, too. That's not me in the picture. :) Here's my store: zazzle.com/holmes3804
UPDATE: That was at Zazzle, but now I recommend CafePress (once it's set up). ... read more
( culture / humor ) April Fool's Day Hoaxes/Friday Funnies/April Days
Top 10 April Fools hoaxes
SPAGHETTI HARVEST - Bogus item on 1957 BBC news show Panorama. Viewers seeking advice on growing their own were told to put spaghetti sprig in tin of tomato sauce.
SAN SERRIFFE - Guardian newspaper published seven-page supplement celebrating the Ind ... read more
( culture / humor / jokes ) Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of politicians give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
HONK if you love p ... read more
( culture / humor / jokes ) Courtroom Capers
Mary Louise Gilman, editor of the National Shorthand Reporter, has collected many hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books (Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court).
.newspaper -webkit-columns: 60px 3; -moz-columns: 60px 3; ... read more
( culture / humor / jokes ) Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the
boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, a ... read more
( culture / humor / jokes ) After months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following cha ... read more