""If you're not at least a little bit of a conspiracy theorist these days, you're just not paying attention. Sure, some scoff at the mere thought of conspiracy, but ask any detective, lawyer or judge — if you can find an honest one — and they'll tell you conspiracies happen all the time. From petty theft all the way up to rigging elections and global conquest. Pinky and the Brain are not the only ones trying to take over the world!"
"Screw 'economies of scale!' It's better economics for all businesses to be small businesses, limited to just a couple hundred employees each. But I don't have a degree in economics or business or anything else. Most importantly, I don't put a gun to anyone's head, so nobody in a position of power listens to me."
"Any society with sayings like 'Winning isn't everything, it's the only thing' and 'Nice guys finish last' is one screwed-up culture."
"My system, for most of us, would mean less work. A lot less because, when it comes right down to it, all we really need is food, shelter and something to do."
"I laugh when employment ads say they require a college degree for jobs that I know from experience do not require a degree. Half a brain, sure. College degree? No. And half of them don't even say exactly which degree is required. They just want proof you were gullible enough to invest four years of your life in The System and accumulate enough student debt to make yourself a virtual indentured servant!"
"You're like a flower surrounded by... fertilizer."
"Um... no one's ever said that before. I'm not sure how to take it."
"If she had any consideration for those around her, she would close her door so we don't have to hear her and her suck-ups cackling from half way across the office while we're stuck in our 'open office' cubicles with no walls, no privacy, and no noise abatement! And don't tell me to wear headphones! If I wanted a job requiring headphones, I'd be one of those guys out on the tarmac with the batons guiding jets into the gate!"
"I'm jinxed when it comes to anything electronic. I couldn't watch TV or use a 'smartphone' if my life depended on it. My body emits electromagnetic pulses — EMPs — or something."
"Either way, watch out for those that flatter and convince you you're better than everyone else. You're not. Don't get me wrong, we're all wonderful, but as the old saying goes, 'you are better than no one, and no one is better than you.' And, 'You are special... just like everyone else!'"
"So, I dreamt about an alien the other night. Probably no big surprise in these parts, eh? Anyway, his name was Semmy. Actually, he said his full name was — let me see if I can say it — Sematalanthoyop."
"The Bible, on the other hand... creates more questions than answers. I recommend everyone become familiar with it but also recommend reading software license agreements, and no one ever does. At least those can be used in a court of law. The Bible cannot. But don't tell that to settlers using it to justify the theft of other people's land!"
"Most of us only listen to know-it-alls like me for confirmation of what we already know. It's the mystery of life, the lack of answers that keeps us going!"
"I'm not pretending to be anyone's guru or savior. I want people to be their own savior, and I'm not here to be idolized. It's not like I'm a rapper, actor, athlete, or any one of those so clearly worthy of your worship."
"People have said I have authority issues, and I'm okay with that, though I'd argue it's more of a short-sighted-idiots-in-power issue. We should all have such issues!"
"Not to brag, but my IQ is well above average, not that I put much stock in IQ tests. Still, like any man with anything larger than average, I'm quite proud of that! High enough to feel good about myself. Low enough to keep me humble. Okay, maybe not so humble."
"There's no greed or corruption with my proposed system because there's no profit motive. It's the profit motive that ruins everything! Think about it: Almost every one of society's ills goes back to money at its core. That, and people trying to get ahead."
"Being a leader is not my thing. Other than by example, I'm against leadership. It requires followers, and I despise followers."
"Funny how the threat of lost love puts politics into proper perspective."
"Somebody has to at least try to make the world a better place, Reggie. That's all I'm doing."