The Rotten Apple
“Journalism with visible holes”
Vol. 5 No. 7, December 1, 1993
Mike Rolls Car!
LIVINGSTON, CA – Remember we told you about Mike’s new car in the previous issue? Well, he “totalled” it a couple of days after we sent that issue out. We’re pretty sure he did it just to make us look bad.
How it happened was, he was on his way home late one night — just a few miles from the house — when a dog jumped out in front of the car. Mike reacted instinctively and swerved to avoid it. The brakes locked up, the car skidded out of control and rolled over a couple of times. It ended up upside down in an empty field. He was lucky not to have plowed into a tree in one of the almond orchards that populate most of that area. Since he was wearing his seatbelt, Mike walked away without a scratch.
“He was driving too fast!” says Lucy.
“I like to live on the edge,” says Mike.
We would like to say we’re happy he was not hurt. But, since we’re reporters, we actually would have been happier if he had at least been cut or bruised slightly, since that would have made for a more exciting news story. [Just kidding! You people have no sense of humor!]
NASHVILLE, TN – Diane had taken off for a brief vacation with her folks in New Hampshire, and Don and Bill were left to take care of the cats. It turned out to be too great a task.
When it came time to account for all the cats later that evening, one of the cats, DOS, (remember him from the last newsletter?) was missing. The last time anyone had seen him was that morning before Diane left for the airport.
Don took a flashlight and scoured the neighborhood in search of the little cat. No luck. The next day while Don was at work, Bill took his turn searching the neighborhood. Same result.
Finally, in despair, Don phoned Diane to tell her the bad news: DOS was gone. Bill had already given up on the cat.
“I figured he was dead,” Bill told us later. But, just a few minutes after hanging up the phone with Diane, Don continued the search inside the house, hoping DOS might somehow answer his calls. Don was in his bedroom calling DOS’s name, not really expecting any results, when he heard something that sounded like a meow. Don called again. And again, a meow. Eventually, he tracked down the source of the meow. And guess what? Don had discovered little DOS!
Where was he? Believe it or not, he was in one of Diane’s dresser drawers (DOS, not Don), and had been there the entire time! Little DOS had been asleep in the dresser for 36 hours! No food, no water, no potty! DOS was found!
Of course, Bill was upset. “I still think he’s dead,” said Bill.
TRACY, CA – “Rocky,” Tiffany’s horse, has figured out how to open his corral gate! He got out recently and broke into the neighbor’s house and ate all their food! He then went on a rampage all over the neighborhood until the cops had to be called! It was terrible! You believe us, don’t you?
Don buys new car
NASHVILLE, TN – Well, it’s not so much a new car as it is new to him. It’s a yellowish/tan 1983 Subaru wagon. And we hope he has better luck with it than Mike had with his Mazda.
4 Out of 5 Brothers Surveyed Prefer CompuServe
Four of the Holmes boys (Greg, Don, Doug and Bill) and Eric McGovern have moved their e-mail addresses to CompuServe from National Videotex Network (“NVN”). Just a few months earlier they had collectively moved their tack to NVN from the GEnie network.
Why do they keep moving? “These networks keep raising their prices right after we sign on!” said Bill, acting as the group’s spokesman despite their protests.
For those of you with no idea what the hell this article is about, all we can say is: It’s computer stuff. You wouldn’t understand.
Lucy has five dogs (at last count). The matriarch of this dog house is, of course, the world-famous Coyote. Coyote has accomplished just about everything a dog can accomplish — had two litters of puppies, been certified Schutzhund II (obedience and protection skills), etcetera, etcetera — and is now pretty much retired to a life of leisure. But never mind this “matriarch” stuff.
The king of the yard, without a doubt, is Stormy, the oldest male. Stormy, a Rottweiler, rules with an iron
fist paw. He recently (if over a year ago can be considered recent) sired a litter of puppies. That proves what a stud he is. [Ha-ha! That’s funny! Get it? He’s a stud and he sired … well, never mind.]
Anyway, next in the pecking order comes Credence, the female Rottweiler. It has recently come to our attention that she, like Coyote before her, now enjoys the status of Schutzhund II. [For a complete definition of this Schutzhund thing, read all the past issues of this newsletter. And then call and let us know what you can figure out, okay?] Mike refers to Credence as: Part hog, part dog. If you knew Credence, you might see what he means. Then again, you might not. Don’t misunderstand, though. Credence is a great dog. You wanna hear the story of how Lucy picked Credence over all the other puppies available? We’ll tell you anyway.
You see, Lucy and Jeannie were conducting a highly scientific test. They wanted to find out which puppy from Chance’s (Jeannie’s dog) litter of pups was the bravest (a quality Lucy required for her future plans of training that puppy to be a killer attack dog). They made each puppy go outside, one by one, onto Jeannie’s porch to meet a strange man (Bill). The puppy that showed the least amount of fear (would approach and be friendly with Bill, even though he was so strange, er, a complete stranger) would be named Bravest Puppy Of All. Well, to make a long story mercifully short, Credence was that puppy.
And now that puppy is going to have puppies of her own! Our reporters were doing a stakeout recently at Lucy’s house and they report that, yes, Credence is definitely pregnant. After further research our cracked team of researchers discovered that Credence became pregnant right around the time that she won her Schutzhund II rating. It’s pretty obvious Credence found time for a little “funny business” during the Schutzhund trials, isn’t it?
What about Lucy’s other dogs? Well, there’s Cassie. She is the daughter of Coyote, and she’s a great dog, too. Beautiful, courageous and friendly. We think she has also attained some sort of Schutzhund rating, but we’re not sure. We do know she likes to kill cats, which should make Don and Diane happy.
And last comes Etsel. Not Edsel, like the infamous car, but Etsel. “It’s a German word,” says Lucy. Yeah, right. Lucy’s son Mike speaks German and we’ve never heard him say the word Etsel. Ever. Of course, we’ve never heard him speak German at all. But that’s beside the point. Anyway, Etsel is only about a year old, and he’s very friendly, really cute and slobbers a lot.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS OF NASHVILLE
by Bill Holmes
I’ve been living here almost three months now, and I figured it was about time I wrote a little something about the town I currently call home. First of all, no one told me it would be so damned cold so soon! Did you know it snowed on Halloween! Of course, since then we’ve also had Spring-like weather here and there; further evidencing what many have said about Nashville weather: “Y’all just never know.”
So far I’ve been fairly successful in avoiding the “intoxicating” influence that country music holds over this town. Luckily, there is a great radio station here (“Radio Lightning”) that plays everything but country music.
Anyway, back to “What Nashville Means To Me.”
Since I’m currently on a tight budget, I haven’t really had a chance to explore the city properly. I have been able to wander around in my truck and see some things, though. And the first thing I noticed during my wandering was how incredibly bad the traffic and how stupid the drivers are around here. Car and Driver magazine rates Nashville drivers as the worst in the country!
Nashville, by some accounts the “fastest growing city in America,” has apparently grown too fast for its own good and the streets are just too small for the volume of cars that pass over them.
What else have I seen? Well, I’ve seen the Nashville Airport! And I’ve been downtown. Oh, and I can’t forget the State Fairgrounds — though I studiously avoided it during the actual State Fair, since I hate state fairs. I’ve also managed to avoid the tourist traps such as the Country Music Hall of Fame, Opryland, the Barbara Mandrell Gift Shop, and The Parthenon (a life-sized replica of the Greek Parthenon building).
I’ve also driven on pretty much every freeway that passes through town! By the way, did you know that three interstate highways pass through Nashville: the I-65, I-24 and I-40, not to mention the I-440 extension and several other “parkways”?! Fascinating, isn’t it?
Okay, by now you’ve probably figured out that I haven’t done a hell of a lot since moving out here. Well, excuse me! I’m not living my life just to entertain you, you know!
In closing, I will say that Nashville — at first glance at least — is a lot like any other mid-sized city. It’s not all bad and it’s not particularly exciting either. It just seems like a nice place to live.