Eleanor Gets License
After taking the DMV driving test every year since the age of 16, Eleanor has finally passed and been given her drivers license!
“It just goes to show that perseverance pays off,” said Eleanor.
In keeping with his religious belief of moving once a year or so, Bill has done just that. His new address is: _____ Woodbine Street, #_, Los Angeles, CA 90034, (310) xxx-xxxx. Bill currently leads the Holmes family’s ongoing Moving Contest by about 7 moves. You were aware there was an ongoing contest, weren’t you?
Greg Builds Computer
How’d he do it? Well, after several hours of slaving over a hot computer, Greg says, “I took it to the place I bought my new one from and, for a fee, they set it up for me!”
Diane Crashes Motorcycle, Buys Table
Diane took her first ride on her Honda Rebel 250 the other day. She rode around the front and back yards. The seat height is low enough so that she can easily keep from falling by putting her feet down. She only fell once when riding over a small branch [just a twig, really].
Also, Diane got her big, fancy electric [chiropractic] adjusting table recently. As of this writing, she had used it for one patient so far. It takes three people to move, and that’s because it has wheels on one end, otherwise you’d need four people to carry it.
Doug Goes To Swap Meet
Doug went to his first computer swap meet recently at Cal-Expo. There was a $6 entry fee but, says Doug, it was worth it. He bought three FAX/Modems — one for Dad, Jeannie and himself. They were only $25 each and the company is local (Byte Brokers by A.R. College in Sacramento), and if they don’t work, Doug says “I’ll complain.” [As it turns out, they didn’t work, and he took them back.] Another thing he got was some software called 386MAX for $39. And last but not least, he purchased CorelDraw3! We’re all pretty excited about it.
Speaking of Doug, he just recently finished his Mother’s Day weekend selling personalized mugs at the mall, and reportedly had a fantastic week of sales!
Tiffany, Thomas At It Again
During a May 1st horse show, John & Jeannie’s daughter, Tiffany, and her horse (whatever its name is) finished first in both Trail Class and Western Pleasure, 2nd in Western Equitation (whatever that is), 6th in Showmanship, and she earned the title “Reserved Champion” in the 12 & under class. And by the time you receive this newsletter, she will have participated in another horse show on May 15th.
Look for Tiffany and her horse to be running in next year’s Kentucky Derby.
Thomas is playing t-ball for the Oakland Athletics’ t-ball farm club in Lathrop. At this writing, the team was half way through the season, and they were on a winning streak. Go team!
Andy Earns Karate Belt
Greg & June’s son, Andy, has been taking karate lessons. And guess what? Well, you probably guessed that he’s earned a karate belt, but that’s just because you cheated and read the headline! What you probably didn’t know is that it was a yellow belt. Did you even know that there was a yellow belt?
Anyway, if you’ve always wanted to hang out in dark alleyways but didn’t because you were afraid, now you know who to call for protection.
Lucy Goes To Philadelphia
Nobody knows why. She just seems to like to go to these far-off, exotic places like Philadelphia, Fresno, Bakersfield, etc. We’re guessing it had something to do with her DMV undercover detective work.
Steve Opens Computer Dealership
Yes, that’s right folks. Just ask Denise. When Steve came home with 8 IBM XTs, it just confirmed the rumor. Actually, Steve has purchased these old used computers for his math classes. Steve has lots of computer programs he has written or stolen to make math more fun and interesting, even understandable. So, with the other 20 or so Apple and Tandy computers he already has, Steve has about one computer per 2 or 3 kids. And all this is out of his (or Denise’s) own pocket. What a guy!
- “A moment of silence for all those fans of people who have died.”
- – Mike (after a moment of “dead air” on his radio show)
- “Gore-Tex has microscopic holes that make it able to ‘breathe.'”
- – Doug
Living In L.A.
Living in L.A. is a lot like reading a book that you’d heard was good. From what you’ve read so far, you’re not impressed. But you keep reading anyway, hoping that eventually it’ll get better. The only problem is, it doesn’t get much better and, after having finished the book, you find yourself wondering how it ever got such a good reputation.
A lot of people moving to Los Angeles from other parts of the country and the world (and practically everyone in L.A. comes from somewhere else) spend most of their time driving around town trying to find that “certain something” that they “know” must be there. Sadly, when they finally realize that “it” doesn’t really exist, that “it” is just another Hollywood movie prop, they return, disillusioned, to their home town.
L.A. people are shallow, and they’re proud of their shallowness. It’s a running con in L.A. Everyone tries to see how “deep” they can pretend to be while still maintaining their shallowness.
- Dad was born on Casanova’s birthday, which might explain why he has so many children.
- Song of the Year (and our new anthem): “I’m A Creep” by Radio Head.
- What do you call bowling fans, anyway? Pinheads?
- Maybe we should change our Song of the Year award, since Jim House’s latest song “I’m Not That Lonely Yet,” recorded by Dwight Yoakum, has hit #1 on the Country charts! Another song of his, “In A Week Or Two,” recorded by the group Diamond Rio, made it all the way to #2 on the Country charts a couple of months ago.
NEWS FROM SACRAMENTO:
Father & Son On Front Page
Lionel Holmes’s (aka Dad) work was recently published once again in the Portuguese Heritage Journal (see back page) where he interviewed “Mr. Portugal” (Frank Dias) of Sacramento. Both the article and accompanying photo of Mr. Dias, taken by Doug, made the front page (of course). The article even mentioned Dad’s and Doug’s partnership in “PortuCal Press” which will publish genealogically-related material.
Something equally amazing is Doug’s first ever published article, “Acquiring Czech Republic and Slovakia Phone Books,” appeared in the Nase Rodina (“Our Family”) newsletter of the Czechoslovak Genealogical Society International, Spring issue. This article also proved to be front page material, and Doug even received a call from a reader in New Jersey asking for more help with research of his surname in Hungary and Slovakia.
Rumors are rampant that William [redacted] Holmes (aka Bill) will be published by Bantam Books this Fall. It is a fantasy/sci-fi thriller yet to be titled. The publishing deal is reportedly in the seven figures range. Way to go, Bill! [For details, see interview of Bill.]
In a related story, Lionel Holmes reports a ceremony in August in which he will be knighted by the Portuguese government. He will henceforth be known as “Dom Leonel” to all but his immediate family, who may address him as “Sir Dad.”
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
[The following letter is in response to last issue’s “Lunch at Jack In The Box” story. It’s only in the interest of fairness that we’re re-printing it here. We give this letter an “R” rating. Sensitive readers will most likely find it objectionable.]
The story was all a lie. Well, most of it. Sure I was at the Jack in the Box. I was chased in there by these two dudes, too. From there, that reporter just wrote a bunch of filth. I’ll be calling my lawyer tomorrow.
What really happened was that these two suits — you know, those guys with three buttons tattooed on each wrist? — well, they were a couple of government employees, leeches on public money, down here from that hick-town capital, sent here by governor Winston, or Camel, or something. These two guys took me for some sort of hooker — I don’t know why.
Anyway, I guess Jack in the Box wasn’t “cool enough” for them either and they had some per-diem to eat at a sidewalk place. They weren’t hungry enough for me, if you know what I mean. So, anyway, when I got the bimbo from behind the counter to understand what I wanted, (I tried yelling, but sign language seemed to work better. I think it was my putting my fingers sticking up on my head and mooing that got her to figure out I wanted a burger).
As I was saying, that reporter gave me the eye when I came in the door. Now, he really was hungry! He kept watching me. I sat in the far corner from him, but he kept undressing me with his eyes. I finally got up and grabbed an ash tray. After grinding my cigarette in it, I sauntered over toward him. I could tell he was hot for me. I sat in the booth next to him. I then turned toward him, held out the tray, and asked, “Do you prefer kissing it, or a piece of it?” When he didn’t understand what I meant, or if you don’t either, we were speaking of ash.
I dumped the tray in his lap and walked out. That really got him hot. It made me wonder if he was one of those S & M guys. Well, anyway, he chased me outside. The two suits were coming by again. So to play with their minds, I loudly said, “Well, if you insist, I’ll give my number to you,” and I jotted it down on a deposit slip with some red lipstick and threw it to him. Ha, you should have seen him jump at it to catch it before it hit the ground!
— the girl from Jack in the Box
I probably missed the deadline for the “Vicious Flamingo” or “Disinterested Dinosaur” or whatever you’re calling your newsletter this month. – Dad
- [Nope, you didn’t miss it. But you gave us a couple of good titles to use for future issues! — Ed.]
I’m looking forward to your next newsletter. It better be good! – Eleanor
- [Isn’t it always? — Ed.]
- Face In The Crowd: I just read that you’ve landed a book publishing deal, reportedly in the seven figure range.
- Bill: Yeah, you just read it in this newsletter.
- Face: Well, is it true? Seven figures?
- Bill: Yeah, seven figures. Unfortunately, they’re stick figures.
- Face: I don’t get it.
- Bill: Yeah, I know.
- Face: Do you begin all of your sentences with the word “yeah”?
- Bill: Yeah.
- Face: Back to this book publishing deal. Is there a deal, or not?
- Bill: There is no deal with Bantam Books or any other publisher. It’s just a vicious rumor.
- Face: So it would seem that, once again, we have interviewed someone for no good reason.
- Bill: Yeah.