The Squeaky Sprocket
Vol. 4, No. 4, May 11, 1992
"The intelligent person’s newsletter of choice."
Riots in L.A., earthquakes in So. Cal and Eureka!
Is the world coming to an end? Probably. And did you notice that all these things happened at a time when this newsletter was conspicuously missing from your mailbox? Think about it. Okay, that’s long enough. You came to the obvious conclusion, didn’t you? That’s right, the minute this newsletter stops, the world goes crazy!
Don & Diane moving
Don and Diane are busily preparing for their "late June" move to Nashville. To lighten their load, they’re selling everything but the motorcycles and the cats. "Everything must go!" says Don.
"Psst," Don added conspiratorially. "Don’t tell Diane, but the cats are for sale, too."
Michael to graduate
On May 30, Michael will graduate from Stanislaus State University with a degree in Liberal Studies; joining his uncles Greg and Steve, and his mom, Lucy, as only the fourth descendant of "Pop-Pop" Holmes to actually graduate from college.
Thomas plays T-Ball
Thomas is playing right field (usually) on his new, undefeated t-ball team, the "T-Bonedaddies." Go team!
Tiffany named newsletter editor
No, not this newsletter (though, it would probably be an improvement). She will be the new Editor-in-Chief of her 4-H Club’s newsletter, "The Cloverleaf Update." We would like to take this opportunity to welcome Tiffany to that most sacred of clubs, the Editor’s Club, or whatever it’s called. [I wouldn’t know its name. I’m still waiting for the membership application.]
Don rides a Harley
"It was exhilarating!" Don enthused, upon returning from a test run around the block on John’s Harley. "It’s more than just a motorcycle, it’s a way of life!"
From that, we can assume that Don will soon be getting a Harley of his own.
We here at The Leaky Faucet, er, that is, The Squeaky Sprocket, being experts on pretty much everything, are often asked questions regarding the pressing issues of the world and its inhabitants. Of course, our policy here is to evade such questions. But there’s one question more than any other that people ask us. They often wonder, "Is it true what you said about [so and so]?"
Now that hurts. What do you mean, "Is it true?" Of course it’s true! Have we ever lied to you? On purpose, I mean. Maybe it’s time we reminded our readers that this newsletter has received virtually every accolade known to man, including some that haven’t even been invented yet!! What more do you want?
Yes, everything you read in this newsletter is true — verified by the best research staff we can afford.
We hope this puts to rest your concerns and stupid questions. Thank you.
BASEBALL: Of course, the San Francisco Giants will win the NL West! The NL East pennant will go to, believe it or not, the St. Louis Cardinals. As for the American League (even though it’s an inferior league): The AL West winner will be the Texas Rangers. And last, and definitely least, the AL East will go to the Baltimore Orioles.
HORSE RACING: Nobody’s going to win the Triple Crown this year, since Arazi lost the Derby. Of course, no one was going to win it, anyway, since Arazi was not going to run in the other two Triple Crown races.
HOCKEY: Well, we were going to predict that the L.A. Kings would win the Stanley Cup. But, since they lost in the first round of the playoffs, we’ll have to go with the New York Rangers.
BASKETBALL: We were also going to predict that the Golden State Warriors were going to win the NBA Championship. But, again, since they lost in the playoffs, we’ll have to go with the Portland Trailblazers beating the Chicago Bulls in the Finals.
WLAF FOOTBALL: Who cares? But, what the hell, we’ll predict that the Sacramento Surge will win it all. Who named this team, anyway?
WARNING!!: Don’t waste your money on San Jose’s Winchester Mystery House. First of all, it costs $12.50 to get in. Secondly, you have to go on a guided tour, they don’t let you discover it for yourself. And third, there’s no "mystery" at all. It’s just a big old house with a thousand rooms. Big deal!
THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE
Mother’s Day May 10
Doug Day May 12
Memorial Day May 25
H. ROSS PEROT
Because he’s not a politician! Plus, with this country’s current financial mess, we could use someone who knows how to handle money (he’s a self-made billionaire). But, best of all, he really doesn’t want to be President! (Or so he says.)
How English is Being Used in Different Parts of the World
- IN A TOKYO HOTEL: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing please not to read notis.
- IN A BUCHAREST HOTEL LOBBY: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
- IN A PARIS HOTEL ELEVATOR: Please leave your values at the front desk.
- IN A JAPANESE HOTEL: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
- IN A MOSCOW HOTEL ACROSS FROM A CEMETERY: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
- IN AN AUSTRIAN HOTEL CATERING TO SKIERS: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
- ON A MENU OF A SWISS RESTAURANT: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
- IN A HONG KONG SUPERMARKET: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
- SIGN OUTSIDE A HONG KONG TAILOR SHOP: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
- SIGN IN A RHODES TAILOR SHOP: Order your summer suit. Because in big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
- NOTICE IN "THE SOVIET WEEKLY": There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
- A SIGN IN GERMANY’S BLACK FOREST: It is strictly forbidden on our camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
- IN A ZURICH HOTEL: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
- IN A ROME LAUNDRY: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
- AT A CZECHOSLOVAKIAN TOURIST AGENCY: Take one of our horse-driven city tours — we guarantee no miscarriages.
- AT A SWEDISH FURRIER: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
- A DETOUR SIGN IN JAPAN: Stop: Drive sideways.
- SIGN IN A BANGKOK TEMPLE: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
- AT A COPENHAGEN AIRLINE TICKET OFFICE: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
- IN A NORWEGIAN COCKTAIL LOUNGE: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
- AT A BUDAPEST ZOO: Please do not feed the animals. If you have suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
- IN THE OFFICE OF A ROMAN DOCTOR: Specialist in women and other diseases.
- IN A HOTEL IN ATHENS: Vistors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
- IN A YUGOSLAVIAN HOTEL: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.