"Your Only News Source"
It’s a girl!!
We asked Denise if she could hurry up and have the baby because we
wanted to put out this issue. And, sure enough, she had the baby two weeks early! Wasn’t
that nice? The bouncing baby girl, Kristen Alyssa, was born sometime after midnight,
September 9, and Denise and the baby are already home. But you probably knew that already.
Doug returned from Salt Lake City after all and through his
genealogical research he’s compiled an impressive-looking family tree. It was someone
else’s family, but hey, it’s impressive.
Also, Doug has just recently moved his belongings from Ventura to
Sacramento. "I wanted to be closer to The Newsletter," said Doug.
Lucy lodges protest
From her home high up in the hills of Livingston, Lucy has filed a
formal protest against this newsletter. It seems we forgot to mention her birthday (Aug.
15th) in the previous issue, and she’s upset. What does she want? We mentioned her
birthday last year! How were we to know she actually reads this thing?!
Steve pulls teeth
Steve got his wisdom teeth pulled a couple weeks before the baby was
born, just for the hell of it. "Well," explained Steve, "I was sitting
there one day just wondering what to do, you know. And Denise suggested I get my teeth
pulled. I said to myself ‘Yeah, that’s a great idea!’"
And so that’s what he did.
Bill burns down house
Well, almost. You see, Bill was sitting there watching a Giants
game, talking to Doug on the phone and cooking some chicken for dinner all at the same
time, when he noticed the oven was smoking. Of course, it always smokes because Bill never
cleans it. But this time, it caught fire! Bill immediately hung up the phone and ran down
to his car where he keeps a fire extinguisher. With the extinguisher, he quickly doused
the flames. A couple minutes later, the Fire Department showed up, but due to Bill’s quick
thinking the Fire Department was not needed. The firemen commended Bill for having a fire
extinguisher, told him to go to Colonel Sanders’ if he wanted chicken, and then they left.
Go see the new film "Pump Up The Volume"! It’s basically a
documentary about Mike and his radio show. "It’s not often they make a movie for
me," says Mike.
Speaking of Mike, he’s been busy interviewing rock superstars for his
college radio station KCSS in Turlock. Just a few weeks ago, for example, he interviewed
the main guy from one of his favorite bands! As soon as we remember the name of the guy or
his band, we’ll let you know.
Speaking of interviews, don’t forget to make an appointment to be
videotaped for Doug’s family epic. He’s set up his studio at Dad & Eleanor’s house.
And Doug’s first subject/victim was Bill. Here’s what Bill had to say about it all —"I’m a far, far better person for having done this interview. Besides, I think I look
great on camera!"
You see! If Bill looked great, just think how good you’ll look!
That’s all that really matters, anyway. Isn’t it?
From our files
- FACT: Of the 25 largest U.S. cities, you’ll most likely get robbed in New York City, get your car stolen in Boston, and then be murdered in Washington D.C. Just something to think about next time you travel. (Source: New York magazine.)
- FACT: Jeannie has, at one time or another, owned almost every kind of animal there is — horses, dogs, cats, turtles, rabbits, fish, hampsters, mice, and of course those two fruit bats she kept hidden in the closet for a year.
- She, or her family, currently owns two dogs, two rabbits, a horse and a cat. Of her two dogs, one is one of Lucy’s german shepherd puppies. And, speaking of Lucy’s puppies, there are still two left. "Prices have been slashed," says Lucy.
- This just in: Eleanor doesn’t have a middle name! Can you believe it?!
- Editor’s Note: That poem "A Saga of Seven" a few issues back was written by Dad, not Anonymous the Poet, as some believed. Couldn’t you tell?
- There have been rumors that Dad’s newsletter, O Progresso, and this newsletter, The Newsletter will be merging into one big newsletter called O Shit!
A girl named Lucy
This is a story ’bout a girl named Lucy
Otherwise known as "The Rappin’ Watusi"
She lays down a beat that gets your toes tappin’
If your toes get tired, let your fingers do the snappin’
She says "Hey buddy, don’t you be no square"
If you can’t find a partner, use a wooden chair"
Okay, so you’ve heard those words before,
but she don’t care. She’s the girl next door
Does that make sense? It just doesn’t matter
It just doesn’t matter, it just doesn’t matter
So next time you see this girl, just say
Sorry I forgot. Happy Birthday, anyway!
— Billy Bob Joe Jim Holmes
Lucy Aug. 15
June Sept. 2
Kristen Alyssa Sept. 9
Aileen Sept. 18
Tiffany Sept. 25
Grandma Sept. 25
Steve Oct. 10
[Did we miss anybody?]