Holmes Family Newsletter vol 2 no 10

Things You Need To Know

Vol. 2, No. 10, July 16, 1990

"Pioneer Portuguese" now available

World famous Portuguese historian Lionel Holmes’s latest work is now
available at a store near you. Don’t be surprised if they’re sold out. Sales have been brisk. Quick, order one today!
  Dad had his picture taken and will be interviewed today, Monday, by the
local Sacramento publication Neighbors. Neighbors appears as an insert every
Thursday in the Sacramento Bee.

Doug chases bear; survives

Doug, Greg, June, Aileen, Bryan, Andy and Don went camping over the
4th of July weekend at Twin Lakes which is near Yosemite.
  Doug spotted a black bear and immediately chased after it in a
screaming rampage, intent on providing dinner for the party. Bryan was right behind Doug,
also in a screaming rampage, but fearing for the bear’s safety, Greg stopped him. Doug
never did catch the bear but got some great video footage.
  Doug, Jeannie & kids are planning another camping trip in the
middle of August somewhere near Tahoe. See Doug or Jeannie for details.

Doug plans family documentary

National Geographic has commissioned Doug to do an in-depth documentary called "The Holmes Family: Where Do They Come From, And Why Are They Here?" There will be videotaped interviews of all the Holmes Family children and
everyone is urged to compete, er, participate.


John "Lumpy", July 1
Andy "Big Boy", July 3?
Steve A., July 4
John & Jeannie’s Anniversary, July 17?


Denise and Steve have gone and bought a piano. It’s a beautiful
little spinet. Bill, our roving piano tester, tested the piano the other day and reports,"It sounds great! If I only knew how to play, it would’ve sounded even better."
  In other furniture news, we’re happy to report that Don and Diane’s
elevated bed is still elevated.


  • Lucy of Livingston, CA, silver medalist in last year’s Police Olympics 30K Run, ran again this year and our roving reporters were there. How did she do? Well, we’ll just let Lucy answer that one. "I finished, didn’t I?"
    Steve ran with her for the last few miles, just to make people at the finish line think he ran the full distance. But there wasn’t anyone at the finish line but our roving reporters, and they were too busy roving and reporting to notice.
  • In less important sporting events like World Cup soccer, it was a repeat of 1986 with Argentina vs. West Germany in the finals, except that this time West Germany won. Of course, Team USA never made it past the preliminary round. They’re not a bad team, really. Maybe they’ll do better in ’94 when they’ll have the home field advantage.
  • In tennis at Wimbledon, Stefan Edberg defeated Boris Becker and Martina Navratilova beat Zina Garrison. Bill never made it past the preliminary rounds, in the women’s division. It was embarrassing.
  • In "that Tour de France thing", defending champion American Greg LeMond was at this writing running third, with half of France yet to cover.


[This week’s installment of "Stupid Stories" features a delightful little
story by a struggling young "artist" who requests anonymity. This story was
originally panned by one of our literary critics, Lucy, but we’re printing it anyway.]


Remmy pulled into the gas station and jumped out of his pickup. He
went to the rear of the truck, checked his reflection in the camper shell window, smiled
at himself, and slid the gas nozzle into the tank.
  He left the pump on automatic and wandered over to a soda machine
sitting next to the cashier’s booth. He calmly, coolly slid a few coins into the coin slot
and pressed his selection. Nothing happened. He pulled on the coin return handle. Still
nothing. He hit the machine a couple of times with the heel of his hand. Nothing. Finally,
he backed up a step or two, checked to see no one was looking and kicked the soda machine.
  "Ouch," he said, hopping on one foot. While he hopped, the
soda machine began to smoke, hiss and belch. This was something new. Probably not good, he
thought, but something, at least.
  The gas station attendant looked up from under the hood of a car at the
sound of the soda machine’s convulsions. He was holding someone’s dipstick in his hand. He
slowly wiped the dipstick off with a rag, pointed it at Remmy, and shouted something. But
Remmy never heard him because that’s when the soda machine exploded.
  The force of the blast, plus the fact that he was balancing on one
foot, knocked Remmy to the ground. The station attendant dropped the dipstick and started
toward Remmy. Remmy saw him coming, picked himself up off the ground and made a dash for
his truck.
  With the station attendant hot on his trail, Remmy leaped onto his
truck’s hood, slid down the other side, opened the door and jumped into the cab — all
in the space of about two seconds. And his tires were squealing as he pulled out into the
  A moment later, Remmy heard a clattering noise coming from the side of
his truck. It was the gas hose. He’d forgotten to pull it out. He sneaked a peek out the
rear view mirror to get a better look at the havoc he had wrought. What he saw through the
dirty windows of the camper shell was a blackened soda machine tipped over on its face
and, in the foreground, the gas hose writhing on the ground like a wounded snake, bleeding
gasoline in every direction.
  And Remmy felt bad about this. Guilt consumed him. The ruined soda
machine; the inadvertently stolen tank of gas; the bleeding gas hose. It was almost too
much to bear. But what could he do? He thought about going back and paying for the
damages, but didn’t. He wasn’t feeling that guilty. Financial considerations were
always the best defense against guilt.
  Wait a minute! What was that he just said? Financial considerations
were the best defense against guilt! Of course! It was so simple! And yet, somehow, so
profound. Remmy repeated it over and over to himself, "Financial considerations …
financial considerations …" He wrote it down so he wouldn’t forget.
  And Remmy was never the same again. He later formed his own religion. THE

[If you have a stupid story like this one that you’d like to contribute, simply write
to: "Stupid Stories", P.O. Box 0, Chicago, IL 60609.]


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