BILL ARRESTED

That's right. Bill, this newsletter's editor, was arrested – twice! – last month and released on his own recognizance by the almighty California Highway Patrol.

His first altercation happened as he was driving north on Highway 395 along the back side of the Sierras in the small town of Lone Pine. His conversation with the officer went something like this:

• CHP: You need a camper shell on your truck.
• Bill: Yeah, it could use one.
• CHP: No. I mean, you need a camper shell on your pickup.
• Bill: Huh?
• CHP: Without a camper shell, your truck has to have commercial license plates.
• Bill: Oh.

The next infraction occurred as Bill was tooling down I-5 on his way back from Livingston to Los Angeles. The cop pulled him over and said basically the same thing as the first cop. Bill presented his earlier “fix-it” ticket to this second cop. But this guy wasn't impressed. He said the first cop had cited Bill incorrectly, and he would do Bill the “favor” of citing him correctly.

Anyway, Bill got new plates, sent $10 to each CHP officer's county courthouse, and he is no longer on the run from The Law.

DON RIDES TO DENVER

On July 15, Don hopped on his motorcycle and rode from Nashville, Tennessee to Denver, Colorado. He hasn't been seen since.

“Oh, he'll show up eventually,” says Diane.

STEVE NOW A MILLIONAIRE!

Based on the scientifically-proven method of horse race betting devised by his brother Bill, Steve, with a single $2 bet on a horse with 1000-1 odds (and a heavy limp), has become Sacramento's newest millionaire. (Never mind that the math doesn't add up. Steve's a math teacher. He knows what he's doing.) Steve has now retired to a life of bicycle frame-building and helping his daughter Kristin with her coloring books.

For your own copy of these sure-fire racetrack betting materials, please send your endorsed paychecks to Bill Holmes c/o this newsletter.

When this reporter asked Bill why he didn't use his own methods to become the first family millionaire, Bill mumbled something to the effect of, “Oh, that wouldn't even be a challenge…”

TIFFANY HIGH-POINT CHAMPION!

Tiffany achieved the status of “High-Point Champion” for her work with her horse (whatsitsname) in 4-H competitions this year. She got her picture in The Lathrop Bulletin and won this new set of luggage, as shown.

DIANE RIDES AGAIN

Diane finally got out of the yard with her motorcycle recently. She rode around the parking lots near her house, even venturing onto public roads briefly. Says Don, “She was at it for about an hour and practically had to be pried off the bike!”

THOMAS RETIRES

Thomas has “retired” from t-ball in order to pursue a career in karate. His goal is to catch up to his cousin Andy.

MICHAEL REASSIGNED

From now on, Michael will be working three days a week at his company's (Manus Enterprises) Mokelumne Hill location. The other two days he will be in Turlock.

Michael is basically in charge of filling all orders placed with Manus's subsidiary, Health Research. Health Research is a publisher of hard-to-find books of all sorts.

“Our core customers are basically the lunatic fringe,” says Michael. “You know, homeopathy fanatics, UFO believers, conspiracy theorists of all sorts. That sort of thing. This newsletter's staff are some of our biggest customers, actually.”

GREG & FAMILY HIT THE ROAD

Greg, June, Aileen, Brian and Andy have embarked on their five-week nationwide tour. They left Santa Ana, CA on July 10. They plan on visiting Greg's Uncle Lenny in Texas; Don and Diane in Nashville (assuming Don returns from Denver); and they will spend the bulk of their time with June's family in Minnesota.

JOSÉ HONORED BY PORTUGUESE PRESIDENT

José Leal Armas, a cousin of the Holmes family, received a very high honor recently when the President of Portugal awarded him for his long-time efforts in the field of agriculture in the Azores. José is Lionel Holmes's first cousin (his mother was the sister of Grandpa Manuel Joaquim Leal Homem), and he lives in the city of Angra, Terçeira, Azores.

GRANDMA WINS AWARD

Grandma Mary Holmes was recently named “Patient of the Month” at Parkland Convalescent Hospital in San Leandro! The funny thing is, she's not even a resident of that hospital!

INTERVIEW

• Newsletter: So, Steve, we hear you've painted your house brown!
• Steve: Yes, that's right.
• News: Was it a big decision to go ahead and do it?
• Steve: Well, the hardest part was choosing the color. We didn't want it to look too much like the other neighbors' houses.
• News: Wasn't your house brown already?
• Steve: Yeah.
• News: I don't want it to sound like a dumb question, but if it was brown before and you painted it brown again, what did you accomplish?
• Steve: It's a little darker than it was before.
• News: Uh … having done some painting of my own, if I'm not mistaken, paint tends to fade in time. Let's say in a year from now; will your house look any different than before you painted it?
• Steve: Sure! The paint will be one year newer than it would have been otherwise!
• News: I see. So, since your house is brown now, and it was brown before, I guess it's pretty safe to say that there aren't too many houses on your street that look like it.
• Steve: No, not really.
• News: Then there are a lot of houses that look like yours?
• Steve: No! I'm just saying it's not safe to say that painting it brown made it any different from the others. It could have been that the neighbors also painted their houses brown.
• News: You have a point there. An intriguing point, I must say. So, for you readers out there who go visiting Steve and Denise, don't bother to look for a newer looking house …
• Steve: Hey, wait a minute! It looks newer! I just got through explaining that!
• News: Okay, okay. Can we change the subject?
• Steve: No. I just want to talk about paint!

[Stay tuned for a continuation of this fascinating interview, next issue!]