“We will not allow our animals to starve. We will not allow them to suffer. Culling would be the kindest and, if this came to pass, this is what we would do,” she says.
Month: July 2020
Just a Glitch? Google Hides Conservative & Alt-media Websites from Search Results for Hours
via https://www.rt.com/news/495445-google-hides-conservative-alt-news/
Google excluded major conservative and alt-media outlets from its search results for hours, hiding hits for sites like Breitbart and RedState even in searches for the outlets’ names – only to mysteriously revert to normal later. Read Full Article at
Transportation Jokes
NEW LOS ANGELES DRIVER’S EXAM
For those not fortunate enough to live in Los Angeles, here is a copy of the Los Angeles Driver’s Exam. For those of you who are, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver’s test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area. Here it is:
GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER’S LICENSE APPLICATION:
Name:________________________
Stage name: ____________________
Agent:_________________________
Attorney:_______________________
Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ____both
"If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___
Please list brand of cell phone: ________
*If you don’t own a cell phone, please explain:_______________
Please check hair color:
Please check activities you perform while driving (Check all that apply):
Please indicate how many times:
If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
In the event of an earthquake, you should:
In the instance of rain, you should:
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ______
Are you presently taking any of the following medications_______
*If none, please explain: __________________
Length of daily commute:
When stopped by police, you should:
Female Flyers
As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passergers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination."
Joe, sitting in the 8th row, thought to himself, "Did I hear her right?
Is the captain a woman? I think I better have Scotch and soda. When the attendants came by with drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Joe, "I’d better have two Scotch and sodas. I don’t know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That’s another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit."
Pilots
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave and they’re getting a little impatient. But the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon and the flight can take off immediately thereafter.
The entrance opens and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots’ uniforms — both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a white-tipped cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men enter the cockpit. The door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing around, nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and people at the windows realize that they’re headed straight for the edge of the water at the end of the airport’s property. It begins to look as though the plane will never take off-but will plow into the water!! Panicked screams fill the cabin, but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly. Soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna die."
Mandarin Air
"Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for choosing to fly with Mandarin Airlines. As we taxi out to the runway please make yourself comfortable… and for those of you sitting on the right side of the plane… please ignore our other… um… airliner."
Non-Fiction 2
Credit Card Bill
In March 1992 a man living in Newtown near Boston, Massachusetts
received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored
it and threw it away.In April he received another and threw that one away too. The
following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going
to cancel his card if he didn’t send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked
to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they’d take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out
the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would
put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his
credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled. He
called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said
that they would take care of it.
The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now
overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the
latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as
good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to
pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally
giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check
for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect
that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.
A week later, the man’s bank called him asking him what he was doing
writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00
check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process
ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing
the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the credit card
company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he
sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.
The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her
birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
From a reader of Western Legislatures magazine:
It is time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts.
Here’s the scoop on the three leading candidates.
Candidate A associates with ward heelers and consults with
astrologists. He’s had two mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used
opium in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening.
Candidate C: is a decorated war hero. He’s a vegetarian, doesn’t smoke,
drinks an occasional beer and hasn’t had any illicit affairs.
Which of these candidates is your choice??
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler
Will the real dummy please stand up?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he
lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps
it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.
THESE NITWITS ARE TEACHING OUR CHILDREN?
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension
under his elementary school’s drug policy last week for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told
a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."
A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for
giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school’s
"zero-tolerance" policy…not to be confused with the
"zero-intelligence" policy.
SOME DAYS, IT JUST DOESN’T PAY TO GNAW THROUGH THE STRAPS!
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that
destroyed a $127,000 home last month – a short in the homeowner’s newly installed fire
alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught
homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system…"
TOO WELL-EDUCATED
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his
college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out
there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have
happened."
ARE WE COMMUNICATING?
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first
child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is
her husband!"
NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold
up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a
gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
"Best of 1997"
A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a
hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review…..
Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"
RS : "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to oder sunteen??"
Guest: "Uh..yes..I’d like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?…pry,boy,pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem…crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine"
RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don’t think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘judo one toes’ means."
RS: "Toes! toes!…why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘Toast.’ Fine. Yes, an English
muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter…just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS:"Copy…tea…mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that’s all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish
mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy….rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You’re welcome"
Butch O’Hare
During the course of World War II, many people gained fame in one
way or another. One man was Butch O’Hare. He was a fighter pilot assigned to an
aircraft carrier in the Pacific. One time his entire squadron was assigned to fly a
particular mission. After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized
that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank. Because of this, he would not
have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship. His flight leader told
him to leave formation and return.
As he was returning to the mothership, he could see a squadron of
Japanese Zeroes heading toward the fleet to attack. And with all the fighter planes gone,
the fleet was almost defenseless. His was the only opportunity to distract and
divert them. Single-handedly, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes and
attacked them. The American fighter planes were rigged with cameras, so that as they
flew and fought, pictures were taken so pilots could learn more about the terrain,
enemy maneuvers, etc. Butch dove at them and shot until all his ammunition was gone, then
he would dive and try to clip off a wing or tail or anything that would make the enemy
planes unfit to fly. He did anything he could to keep them from reaching the American
ships.
Finally, the Japanese squadron took off in another direction, and Butch O’Hare and his
fighter, both badly shot up, limped back to the carrier. He told his story, but not until
the film from the camera on his plane was developed, did they realize the extent he really
went to, to protect his fleet.
He was recognized as a hero and given one of the nation’s highest
military honors. And as you know, the O’Hare Airport was also named After him.
Prior to this time in Chicago, there was a man named Easy Eddie. He
was working for a man you’ve all heard about, Al Capone. Al Capone wasn’t famous for
anything heroic, but he was notorious for the murders he’d committed and the illegal
thing’s he’d done. Easy Eddie was Al Capone’s lawyer and he was very good. In fact,
because of his skill, he was able to keep Al Capone out of jail.
To show his appreciation, Al Capone paid him very well. He not only
earned big money, he would get extra things, like a residence that filled an entire
Chicago city block. The house was fenced, and he had live-in help and all of the
conveniences of the day.
Easy Eddie had a son. He loved his son and gave him all the best things
while he was growing up; clothes, cars, and a good education. And because he loved his son
he tried to teach him right from wrong. But one thing he couldn’t give his son was a good
name, and a good example.
Easy Eddie decided that this was much more important than all the riches he had given him.
So, he went to the authorities in order to rectify the wrong he had done. In order to tell
the truth, it meant he must testify against Al Capone, and he knew that Al Capone would do
his best to have him killed. But he wanted most of all to try to be an example and
to do the best he could to give back to his son, a good name. So he testified. Within the
year, he was shot and killed on a lonely street in Chicago.
This sounds like two unrelated stories, but Butch O’Hare was Easy
Eddie’s son.
Auto accident
Reprinted in The Winneconne (WI) News. Originally
attributed to Byron McNutt of the Vilas County News Review:
A van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a film location
in the mountains spun out of control on the icy road, crashed through a guardrail, rolled
down a 90-foot embankment, turned over, and burst into flames. There were no injuries.
Real stories from flight attendants apologizing for rough
transport on the airlines…..
Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the hard
landing. It wasn’t the pilot’s fault, and it wasn’t the plane’s fault. It was the
asphalt."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the
runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at
the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ
airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone
had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny,
mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma’am," said the pilot. "What
is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to
have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your
money, more than Southwest Airlines."
United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our
Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we’d like to thank you
for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you
may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touchdown."
About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during the final approach that the Captain
was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant
came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please
remain in your seats with your seatbelt fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of
our airplane to the gate!"
Embarrassing moments
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up
energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of
disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now", she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and
said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell
Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out
of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me
were screams of laughter.
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had
gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As
we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs.
I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the
phone. Since we didn’t want to miss the call, we didn’t have time to get dressed.
When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on
and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE !!!"
My entire family, aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my
friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and
embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again …
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the
checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment
when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE
CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently
misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like
tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN
WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
McDonald’s Application
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a
position to
be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style
severance
package. If that’s not possible make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it
notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate
environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do
you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of
the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
Article in the California Examiner, March 20, 1998
Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt-out section
of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed
in a full wetsuit complete with a tank and regulator, fins, and mask. A post-mortem
examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal
injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set
about determining how a fully equipped diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It
was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the
coast—some 20 miles away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire
as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets.
The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown
to the forest fire and emptied. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like
Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300 feet in
the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 5’10" of the fire. Some days it just
doesn’t pay to get out of bed.
Airline Attendants
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the
"in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To
operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works
just like every other seat belt, and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a
small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try
to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your
money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency
water landing, please take them with our compliments."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We’ve reached our cruising altitude
now, and I’m turning off the seat belt sign. I’m switching to autopilot, too, so I can
come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area.
Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults
acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything
left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave
children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the
best flight attendants in the industry… Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: "That
was quite a bump and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the
airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendants’ fault… it
was the asphalt!"
An airline pilot wrote that on a particular flight he had hammered his ship into the
runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at
the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ
airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone
had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny,
mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma’am," said the pilot, "what
is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this
airplane."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a
member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the
lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
Pilot – "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch
the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the
plane till we land … it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects
the performance and speed of the airplane."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of
the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head
attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video
surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining
in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes
over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy
and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After
an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts
fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!
Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to
please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant
on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead
compartments because, after landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew
have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire
smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silent, we’ll open the door and you can pick
your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: "We’d like to thank you folks
for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting
through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US
Airways."
Overheard from a young pilot: "Sorry about the rough landing, folks I’m practicing
for a job at USAir. Next time, I’ll try to lose your luggage."
I was on a Southwest flight once that was delayed at the gate after everyone boarded.
The flight attendant said over the intercom, "We’re sorry for the delay. The machine
that normally rips the handles off your luggage is broken, so we’re having to do it by
hand. We should be finished and on our way shortly.
Creative Family History Work
An amateur genealogical researcher discovered that his great-great
uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train
robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the
gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Remus Starr; horse thief,
sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times.
Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged 1889."
In a Family History subsequently written by the researcher, Remus’s
picture is cropped, scanned in as an enlarged image, and edited with image processing
software so that all that’s seen is a head shot. The accompanying biographical sketch is
as follows: "Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business
empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings
with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to
service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the
railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned
Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function
held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
Paradox Of Our Time
A High School student wrote:
The paradox of our time in history is that
we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers;
wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints;
we spend more, but have less;
we buy more but enjoy it less.
We have bigger houses and smaller families;
more conveniences, but less time;
we have more degrees, but less sense;
more knowledge, but less judgment;
more experts, but more problems;
more medicine, but less wellness;
We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values.
we talk too much, love too seldom and hate too often.
we’ve learned how to make a living but not a life;
we’ve added years to life not life to years.
We’ve been all the way to the moon and back,
but we have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.
we’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul;
we’ve split the atom, but not our prejudice.
We have higher incomes and lower morals;
we’ve become long on quantity, but short on quality.
These are the times of tall men and short character;
steep profits and shallow relationships.
These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare;
more leisure, but less fun;
more kind of food, but less nutrition.
These are the days of two incomes, but more divorce;
More of fancier houses, but broken homes.
it is a time when there is much in the show window
and nothing in the stockroom;
a time when technology can bring this letter to you,
and a time when you can choose either to forward this message
and make a difference…..or just hit delete.
Non-Fiction 1
Five people who have a job worse than yours
The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic
illness requiring medication. The zoo people couldn’t get Calle to take her dose orally,
so a California pharmacist developed a suppository. The 10-inch-long, four-pound,
cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame.
Administering the daily medication takes five zoo workers (FIVE people who have jobs worse
than yours!), including one person to distract Calle with treats, and one person who wears
a full-arm glove. Now stop complaining and get back to work.
Bill of No Rights
State Representative Mitchell Kaye from Cobb County, GA, wrote the
following (the order of the Articles has been changed from the original).
We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help
everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our
nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to
ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and
establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional
and other cry-baby, bleeding hearts. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole
lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill
of No Rights.
Article I
You do not have the right to never be offended.=A0 This country is based on freedom, and
that means freedom for everyone, not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel,
express a different opinion, etc., but the World is full of idiots, and probably always
will be.
Article II
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape,
intentionally maim or kill someone, don’t be surprised if the rest of us want to see you
fry in the electric chair.
Article III
You don’t have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to
soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won’t lift a finger to
stop you from going to fight if you’d like However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire
world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant
with a military uniform and a funny hat.
Article IV
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye,
learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your
relatives independently wealthy.
Article V
You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen TV or any other form of wealth. More
power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
Article VI
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away
the goods or services of other citizens, don’t be surprised if the rest of us get together
and lock you away in a place where you still won’t have the right to a big-screen color TV
or life of leisure.
Article VII
You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will
gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the
opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself
useful.
Article VIII
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable
people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary
of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve
nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
Article IX
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of
public housing, you’re just not interested in good health.
Article X
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to
pursue happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an
overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of
Rights.
That’s Ironic
Trying to keep warm in freezing weather, a 50 year old Cypriot huddled over his paraffin
heater. Accidentally overturning it, he set himself on fire, screaming in pain as his
clothes were engulfed he ran out of his abode and jumped into a nearby reservoir, where he
sunk like a stone and drowned.
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was
$80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released
back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both
eaten by a killer whale.
A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him
constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her
repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting
record. By the time he had come down, eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor
had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what
looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt
him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back
door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he has merely been listening to his
walkman.
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a
slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a
broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
And the last and best …..
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back
with "return to sender" stamped on it. You’ve guessed it, he opened it and said
a fond farewell to his face.
Florida Man
True Story…taken from a Florida newspaper
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in
the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the
motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a
glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her
husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the
patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the
several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the
hospital, the wife righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had
spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and
threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home.
After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the
damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the
toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his
legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her
husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor.
His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of
his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.
The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the
street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the
street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one
of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the
paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the
husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle.
These people survived to adulthood?!
I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it
out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the
internet, and they asked for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM
"thingy".
I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and for the
life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.
1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What’s wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she
received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing
happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It’s a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn’t want anyone else to
read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some
help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this
remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. "Do you think they (pointing
to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote ‘thingy,’" she answered, handing it and the car
keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why
don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries…it’s a long
walk."
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now.."
Person: "It says, ‘Hit ENTER when ready’."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it’s ready?"
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and
turned to a secretary and said, "I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I
do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his
last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five
blank copies.
One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to
restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named
"i386." He started to type it and paused, asking me "Where’s the key
for that line thing?"
I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like
an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter
"i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that’s it!"
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home was towed into the
garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally
looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He
told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.
Real Gravestones
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young.
In a London, England cemetery:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.
Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
Sacred to the memory of
my husband John Barnes
who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23, has
many qualifications of a good wife, and
yearns to be comforted.
A lawyer’s epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who is no business
Of yours.
Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days
of the 1880’s. He’s buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.
Winter coat
A customer at Reigning Cats & Dogs pet store in Sacramento
wanted a winter coat for her dog. The manager suggested the best way to assure the right
size was to bring the dog in for a fitting. The woman declined: "If I bring her in
and she sees the coat, it won’t be a surprise on Christmas morning, will it?"
Getting Even
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to
make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is John, may I speak to Robin please?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn’t believe that
anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. She had
transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the
wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same
person once more answered, I yelled "You’re a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his
phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every
couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I’d call him up. He’d
answer, and the I’d yell, "You’re a jackass!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a
real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had
an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name.
"Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I’m just calling to see if
you’re familiar with our caller ID program?"
He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That’s because you’re a
jackass!"
(Keep reading, we’re not through with this guy.)
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the
parking space. I didn’t think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move
and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her
plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she’s finally leaving. All of a sudden this
black Camaro come flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her
space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can’t just do that, Buddy. I was
here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked
toward the mall as if he didn’t even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy’s a jackass,
there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign
in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to
park.
A couple of days later, I’m at home sitting at my desk. I had just
gotten off the phone after calling 555-4863 and yelling, "You’re a jackass!"
(It’s really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the
phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I’d better call
this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said,
"Hello."
I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 2104 East 34th street. It’s a yellow house and the
car’s parked right out front."
I said, "What’s your name?"
"My name is Don H."
"When’s a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I’m home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you’re a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down. After
I hung up I added Don H’s number to my speed dialer.
For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a
problem I had two jackasses to call. Then after several months of calling the jackasses
and hanging up on them, it just wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem
some serious thought and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello."
I yelled "You’re a jackass!", but I didn’t hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What’s your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don H."
He said "Where do you live?"
"2104 East 34th Street. It’s a yellow house and my black Camaro’s
parked out front."
"I’m coming over right now, Don. You’d better start saying your
prayers."
"Yeah, like I’m really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are…"
"You’ll what?"
"I’ll kick your butt."
"Well, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now
Jackass!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at
2104 East 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.
After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to
watch the whole thing. Glorious! If you want to watch two Jackasses kicking the crap out
of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, I taped it off the evening
news.
History of a Specification
How Specs Live Forever!
The U.S. Standard Railroad Gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8½ inches.
That’s an exceedingly odd number. Why was that size used? Because that’s the way
they built them in England, and the U.S. railroads were designed & built during the
Industrial Revolution by English expatriate engineers to accommodate English-built
locomotives.
Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were
built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they
used.
Why did they use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used
the same jigs and tooling that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel
spacing. Okay, why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old
long distance roads in Europe & England. This was due to the old wheel ruts worn into
the roads.
So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built
by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The thoroughfares have been used ever
since.
And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying
their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. These chariots were designed to be
pulled by two horses hitched side-by-side. In order to roll smoothly, the chariot wheels
had to be spaced far enough apart to avoid the hoof marks left by the horses, yet not
protrude past the flanks of the horses to prevent entanglement with opposing traffic or
roadside vegetation.
Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter
of wheel spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States
Standard Railroad Gauge of 4 feet, 8½ inches derives from the original specification for
an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Two thousand years later and a continent away, the
track layout of the entire U.S. railway network is based upon the fact that Imperial Roman
chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the rear-ends of two war horses.
Specs and bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification
and wonder if some horse’s ass came up with it, you may be exactly right.
From Olde England
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and were
still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides
carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the b.o.
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of
the lead to leach onto the food. This happened most often with tomatoes, so they stopped
eating tomatoes for 400 years.
You recycled what?
It will take a lot of recycled soda cans to pay back this
mistake. An employee smashing crates so the wood could be recycled accidentally
destroyed three new 737 rudders at Boeing’s factory in Renton, Wash. Boeing
officials were not sure how the unmarked crates were put on carts identifying them as
ready for disposal. The rudders cost an estimated $500,000.
Great company!
Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 employees
with the following statistics:
29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?
It’s the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually
cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.
How you can tell your ass is too small
Poor planning
The following is an accident report that was printed in the
newsletter of the British equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation Board.
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information
in Block #3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of
my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be
sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had
some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of
500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by
using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing
the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the
bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow
descent of the bricks.
You will note in block #11 of the accident report form that my weight
is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid
rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel,
which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the
accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was
able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to
experience. At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground
and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel
weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the
vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two
fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and
fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the
rope. I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down to me. This
explains the two broken legs.
This explains why I cited "poor planning" as the cause of the
accident.
Some days it just doesn’t pay!
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that
destroyed a $127,000 home last month – a short in the homeowner’s newly installed fire
prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the
distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security
system…"
Humorous quotes
Somethin’ to think about
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors …but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
Happiness comes through doors you didn’t even know you left open.
Don’t cry because its over; smile because it happened.
More one-liners
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you’ve been kicked in the head like this before.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy . . . in a jar on my desk. — Steven King
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. — Abraham Maslow
He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead.
Neutrinos have mass? I didn’t know they were Catholic.
If you had everything, where would you keep it?
The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. — Dorothy Parker
One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs. — Robert Firth
The meek shall inherit the earth; they are too weak to refuse.
Grabel’s Law: 2 is not equal to 3 — not even for very large values of 2.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
You can’t tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle too.
This is as bad as it can get. . . but don’t bet on it.
There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
The facts, although interesting, are generally irrelevant.
The world gets a little better every day, and worse in the evening.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
The other line always moves faster. . . until you get in it.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.
It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything good.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Do unto others.
Beer
"You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer." — Frank Zappa
"Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." — Ernest Hemmingway
"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol, than alcohol has taken out of me." — Winston Churchill
"He was a wise man who invented beer." — Plato
"A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her." — W.C. Fields
"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink." — Lady Astor to Winston Churchill "Madam", he replied, "if you were my wife, I would drink it." "Sir, you’re drunk!" — Lady Astor to Winston Churchill "Madam, you’re ugly; But at least I’ll be sober in the morning" "If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. Oh, right." — David Daye
"Work is the curse of the drinking class." — Oscar Wilde
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." — Henry Youngman
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." — Benjamin Franklin
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." — Dave Barry
"People who drink light "beer" don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. . . " — Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI, USA
"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world." — Kaiser Wilhelm
"I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer." — Homer Simpson
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." — Dave Barry
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." — Ernest Hemmingway
"You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." — Dean Martin
"All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me – so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer." — Homer Simpson
Words of Wisdom
5 out of 4 people don’t understand fractions.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.
What’s the greatest worldwide use of cowhide? To hold cows together.
Those nicotine patches seem to work really well, but I heard that’s it’s kinda hard to keep em’ lit.
For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.
Energizer Bunny arrested-charged with battery.
Corduroy pillows-they’re making headlines!
Oh Lord give me patience. . . NOW!
Assassins do it from behind.
The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
The British have a reputation for keeping calm even when there is no crisis.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
There are 3 types of people in the world, those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
We all can’t be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
Spotted on the back of a t-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: "If you see me running, try to keep up."
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Life – it’s nothing like the Brochure!
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Crime doesn’t pay, but the hours are good.
There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
Rehab is for quitters.
Quotes
"Ah, yes, ‘divorce,’ from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. — Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." — Roseanne
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." — Jay Leno
"We have women in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines. They don’t know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, ‘You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." — Elayne Boosler
"There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?" — Jay Leno
"office says they’re raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they’re going from semiautomatics to Uzis." — Conan O’Brien
"Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded." — Tim Allen
"Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the house alarm. When the police came, he couldn’t admit he’d forgotten the code, so he turned himself in." — Rita Rudner
Alfred E. Neuman Quotable Quotes
"Smoking helps you lose weight — one lung at a time!"
"Today, if you ask a car dealer to let you see something for ten grand, he’ll show you the door!"
"Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!"
"Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things through a life of crime!"
"Thanks to the new welfare bill, the question "Paper or plastic?" now refers to many American’s sleeping arrangements!"
"Most people are so lazy, that they don’t even exercise good judgement!"
"If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!"
"A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa!"
"The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents are much cheaper!"
"Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!"
"How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?"
"It takes one to know one — and vice versa!"
"Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every McNugget weighs the same!"
"Teenagers are people who act like babies if they’re not treated like adults!"
"A teacher is someone who talks in our sleep!"
"How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?"
"Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it every day!"
"You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!"
"Blood is thicker than water. . . but it makes lousy lemonade!"
"The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard!"
"A plastic surgeon’s office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!"
"Today, it takes more brains and effort to make out the income-tax form than it does to make the income."
"Most people don’t act stupid — it’s the real thing!"
"A wedding ring is like a tourniquet — it cuts off your circulation!"
"A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls it a brief!"
"It’s astonishing how politicians never say anything, yet always insist they’re being misquoted!"
Various musings
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you’re ahead"?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me. . . they were cramming for their finals.
Mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do. . . write to these men? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso. How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn’t live there?
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Clones are people two.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
No one ever says "It’s only a game," when their team is winning.
If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Think "honk" if you’re telepathic.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I’d be gone. I said, "The whole time."
So what’s the speed of dark?
Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you’re sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
Disney World is a people trap operated by a mouse?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Words of Wisdom
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.— Ann Bancroft
Any husband who says "My wife and I are completely equal partners" is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.— Bill Cosby
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.— Benjamin Franklin
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.— Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.— Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.— Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.— George Burns
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.—Cindy Garner
When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.— Elaine Boosler
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.— Phyllis Diller
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.—Rita Rudner
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.— Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.— Erma Bombeck
"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with."—Author Unknown
I’m very loyal in a relationship. Any relationship. When I go out with my mom, I don’t look at other moms. I don’t go "Ooooh, I wonder what her macaroni and cheese tastes like." — Gary Shandling
Non-Fiction science
Acknowledging Receipt of Australopithicus Spiff-arino
The story behind the letter below is that there is a man in Newport, RI named Scott Williams who digs things out of his backyard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. This guy really exists and does this in his spare time!
Anyway…here’s the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution. Bear this in mind next time you think you are challenged in your duty to respond to a difficult situation in writing.
Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078
Dear Mr. Williams:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post…Hominid skull."
We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie."
It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-homonids. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don’t have teeth. It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating’s notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino.
Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn’t really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum.
While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard.
We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation’s capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous metal in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science, Harvey Rowe Chief Curator-Antiquities
The field of consciousness
Reality, not only with monkeys but with human beings. The biologist’s name is Rupert Sheldrick.
Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result – all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.
Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.
Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one.
The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him.
After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.
The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm!
Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.
Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water.
Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not?
Because as far as they know that’s the way it’s always been done around here. And that, my friends, is how policy begins!
Humorous quotes, page 3
United Airlines gate agent
An award should go to the gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was ebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM ?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice being heard clearly throughout the terminal, "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and said "Fuck you!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that too."
Somethin’ to think about
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors …but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
Happiness comes through doors you didn’t even know you left open.
Don’t cry because its over; smile because it happened.
More one-liners
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you’ve been kicked in the head like this before.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy . . . in a jar on my desk. — Steven King
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. — Abraham Maslow
He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead.
Neutrinos have mass? I didn’t know they were Catholic.
If you had everything, where would you keep it?
The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. — Dorothy Parker
One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs. — Robert Firth
The meek shall inherit the earth; they are too weak to refuse.
Grabel’s Law: 2 is not equal to 3 — not even for very large values of 2.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
You can’t tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle too.
This is as bad as it can get. . . but don’t bet on it.
There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
The facts, although interesting, are generally irrelevant.
The world gets a little better every day, and worse in the evening.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
The other line always moves faster. . . until you get in it.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.
It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything good.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Do unto others.
Beer
"You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer." — Frank Zappa
"Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." — Ernest Hemmingway
"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol, than alcohol has taken out of me." — Winston Churchill
"He was a wise man who invented beer." — Plato
"A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her." — W.C. Fields
"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink." — Lady Astor to Winston Churchill "Madam", he replied, "if you were my wife, I would drink it." "Sir, you’re drunk!" — Lady Astor to Winston Churchill "Madam, you’re ugly; But at least I’ll be sober in the morning" "If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. Oh, right." — David Daye
"Work is the curse of the drinking class." — Oscar Wilde
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." — Henry Youngman
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." — Benjamin Franklin
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." — Dave Barry "People who drink light "beer" don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. . . " — Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI, USA
"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world." — Kaiser Wilhelm
"I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer." — Homer Simpson
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." — Dave Barry
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." — Ernest Hemmingway
"You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." — Dean Martin
"All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me – so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer." — Homer Simpson
Words of Wisdom
5 out of 4 people don’t understand fractions.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.
What’s the greatest worldwide use of cowhide? To hold cows together.
Those nicotine patches seem to work really well, but I heard that’s it’s kinda hard to keep em’ lit.
For people who like peace and quiet – a phoneless cord.
Energizer Bunny arrested-charged with battery.
Corduroy pillows-they’re making headlines!
Oh Lord give me patience. . . NOW!
Assassins do it from behind.
The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
The British have a reputation for keeping calm even when there is no crisis.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
There are 3 types of people in the world, those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
We all can’t be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
Spotted on the back of a t-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: "If you see me running, try to keep up."
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Life – it’s nothing like the Brochure!
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Crime doesn’t pay, but the hours are good.
There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
Rehab is for quitters.
Quotes
"Ah, yes, ‘divorce,’ from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. — Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." — Roseanne "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." — Jay Leno "We have women in the military, but they don’t put us in the front lines. They don’t know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, ‘You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." — Elayne Boosler "There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?" — Jay Leno "office says they’re raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they’re going from semiautomatics to Uzis." — Conan O’Brien "Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn’t go far didn’t see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded." — Tim Allen "Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the house alarm. When the police came, he couldn’t admit he’d forgotten the code, so he turned himself in." — Rita Rudner
Alfred E. Neuman Quotable Quotes "Smoking helps you lose weight — one lung at a time!" "Today, if you ask a car dealer to let you see something for ten grand, he’ll show you the door!" "Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!" "Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things through a life of crime!" "Thanks to the new welfare bill, the question "Paper or plastic?" now refers to many American’s sleeping arrangements!" "Most people are so lazy, that they don’t even exercise good judgement!" "If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!" "A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa!" "The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents are much cheaper!"
"Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!" "How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?" "It takes one to know one — and vice versa!" "Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every McNugget weighs the same!" "Teenagers are people who act like babies if they’re not treated like adults!"
"A teacher is someone who talks in our sleep!" "How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?" "Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it every day!" "You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!" "Blood is thicker than water. . . but it makes lousy lemonade!" "The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard!" "A plastic surgeon’s office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!" "Today, it takes more brains and effort to make out the income-tax form than it does to make the income."
"Most people don’t act stupid — it’s the real thing!" "A wedding ring is like a tourniquet — it cuts off your circulation!" "A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls it a brief!"
"It’s astonishing how politicians never say anything, yet always insist they’re being misquoted!"
Various musings
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you’re ahead"?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me. . . they were cramming for their finals.
Mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do. . . write to these men? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso. How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn’t live there?
If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Clones are people two.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
No one ever says "It’s only a game," when their team is winning.
If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
Think "honk" if you’re telepathic.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I’d be gone. I said, "The whole time."
So what’s the speed of dark?
Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you’re sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
Disney World is a people trap operated by a mouse?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
Words of Wisdom
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.— Ann Bancroft
Any husband who says "My wife and I are completely equal partners" is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.— Bill Cosby
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.— Benjamin Franklin
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.— Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.— Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.— Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.— George Burns
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.—Cindy Garner
When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.— Elaine Boosler
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.— Phyllis Diller
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.—Rita Rudner
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.— Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.— Erma Bombeck
"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with."—Author Unknown
I’m very loyal in a relationship. Any relationship. When I go out with my mom, I don’t look at other moms. I don’t go "Ooooh, I wonder what her macaroni and cheese tastes like." — Gary Shandling
Humorous quotes, page 2
Some Thoughts On Life
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For
example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class
pulls a hamstring.
The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere… and let
the air out of their tires. —Dorothy Parker
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
Families are like fudge .. Mostly sweet with a few nuts.
Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
Laughing helps. It’s like jogging on the inside.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.
If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest
of the day!
You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you
can do while you’re down there.
Life’s golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to
borrow the family car.
More deep thoughts
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip’s
Screwdriver?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn’t they be wearing night gowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it’s picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car
not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?
"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it
be that "I do " is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians
can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons
debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as "4’s"?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you
will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to
be sure?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become
disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren’t people from Holland
called "Holes?"
More celebrity quotes
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
— Red Buttons
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you? But when you
take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. — Steve Bluestone
I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
— Carol Leifer
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead
in otherwise. — Roger Simon
I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. — Dave
Edison
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has
just taken place. — Johnny Carson
It’s not hard to tell we was poor when you saw the toilet paper dryin’ on the
clothesline. — George Lindsey
I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that
makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one
other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners.
— Jeff Stilson
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some
form of mental illness. Think of your three Best friends. If they are okay,
then it’s you. — Rita Mae Brown
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there.
I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t
your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
— Jerry Seinfeld
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know
a cow was murdered for that jacket"? she sneered. I replied in a
psychotic tone, "I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you
too." — Jake Johansen
From Steven Wright
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever — so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
My mind is like a steel trap — rusty and illegal in 37 states.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists—they don’t expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse — it’ll be a great trade
Always try to be modest and be proud of it.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand…
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Simple Thoughts
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.
He’s always late. His ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used
against you.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Norm Peterson’s (of Cheers) Greatest Hits
"What’s shakin’, Norm?"
"All four cheeks and a couple of chins."
"What’s new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They’ve taken over my stomach and they’re demanding beer."
"What would you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."
"What’ll you have, Normie?"
"Well, I’m in a gambling mood, Sammy. I’ll take a glass of whatever comes out of the
tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me ‘Mister Lucky."
"Hey, Norm, how’s the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."
"What’s the story, Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobsey Twins go to the brewery. Let’s cut to the happy ending."
"Hey, Mr. Peterson, there’s a cold one waiting for you."
"I know. If she calls, I’m not here."
"What’s going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, ‘Insert beer here.’"
"Whatcha up to, Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were 11 feet tall."
"How’s it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I’m sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."
"How’s life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."
"Women. Can’t live with ’em, pass the beer nuts."
"What’s going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one … make that one-thirty."
"How’s it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"It’s a dog-eat-dog world, Woody, and I’m wearing Milk Bone underwear."
"What’s the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."
"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early, isn’t it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."
Dan Quayle quotes (these are real)
"If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit… Mars is somewhat the same distance from
the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we
believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means
we can breathe."
"What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very
wasteful. How true that is."
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this
century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century."
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy —
but that could change."
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one
word is ‘to be prepared’."
"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world." — The
Quayles’ 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy, though.]
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
"We don’t want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."
"I have made good judgments in the Past. I have made good judgments in the
Future."
"The future will be better tomorrow."
"We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a
tremendous impact on history."
"I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made."
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm
commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
"Public speaking is very easy."
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the
killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The
rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
— reported in Esquire, 8/92
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or
may not make."
"We’re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes
we may or may not have made."
"It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air
and water that are doing it."
"[It’s] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago."
"The loss of life will be irreplaceable." — on the San Francisco
earthquake
Famous Last Words
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." — Popular
Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." — Thomas
Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best
people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the
year." — editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what … is it good for?" — Engineer at the Advanced Computing
Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." — Ken
Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means
of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." — Western Union
internal memo, 1876
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a
message sent to nobody in particular?" — David Sarnoff’s associates in response
to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a
‘C,’ the idea must be feasible." — a Yale University management professor in
response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service (Smith went
on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" — H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers,
1927
"I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary
Cooper." — Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in
"Gone With The Wind"
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America
likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." — Response to
Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies
"We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." — Decca
Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." — Lord Kelvin,
president, Royal Society, 1895
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. The literature was
full of examples that said you can’t do this." — Spencer Silver on the work that
led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads
"So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing, even built with
some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we’ll give it to you. We
just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, ‘No.’ So then
we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, ‘Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t got
through college yet.’" — Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to
get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the
need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the
basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." — 1921 New York Times
editorial about Robert Goddard’s revolutionary
rocket work
"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your
muscles? It can’t be done. It’s just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent
muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." — Response
to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re
crazy." — Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill
for oil in 1859
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." —
Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." — Marechal
Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." — Charles H. Duell,
Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899
"Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." — Pierre Pachet,
Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of
the wise and humane surgeon." — Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon,
appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873
"640K ought to be enough memory for anybody." — Bill Gates, 1981
Random thoughts
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algae bra (algebra)?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you’re born again, do you have two belly-buttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
What happens when none of your bees wax?
Where are we going? And what’s with this handbasket?
Read between the lines
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: " I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we
were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever." — Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA
contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t
help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and
death and stuff. " — singer Mariah Carey
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in
the brain as marijuana … The researchers also discovered other similarities between the
two, but can’t remember what they are." — Matt Lauer on NBC’s Today show, August
22
"I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
— David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his
taxes.
"I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." —
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the
country." — Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
"They’re multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them
off." — Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company
charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
"It’s like deja vu all over again." — Yogi Berra
"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat
somebody." — Richard M. Nixon
"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a
good planet." — Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a
million dollars.
"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before." — Former
U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money. "
— Everett Dirksen
"A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on." — Samuel
Goldwyn
Non-Fiction 3
How do these people survive?
Recently, when I went to McDonald’s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don’t have half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter.
"You don’t?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can’t order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That’s right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I’ve changed my mind, I don’t think I’ll buy that today". She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don’t you drive over there and check about the batteries it’s a long walk.
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He’s lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
A Jury of Peers
January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $780,000.00 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving tyke was Ms. Robertson’s son.
June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of LosAngeles won $74,000.00 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran his hand over with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn’t notice someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal.
October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, PA, was exiting a house he finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn’t reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. This upset Mr. Dickson, so he sued the homeowner’s insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change.
October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, AK was awarded $14,500.00 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor’s beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced-in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought after because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, PA, $113,500.00 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the lady’s room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000.00 and dental expenses.
Formal
Formal dress: $120.00
Dinner and drinks before formal: $80.00
Having a picture passed around on the internet that shows you duct taped your boobs together: PRICELESS
These guys work for us?
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Rocket Scientists
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist (true story)
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer’s backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the design of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken."
Air Traffic Exchanges
The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airlines and control towers from around the world:
The controller, working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high.
San Jose Tower: "American 51 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."
Unknown Aircraft: "I’m f***ing bored!".
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!!"
Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f***ing bored, not f***ing stupid!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." (124.7 would be the radio frequency for Departure Control).
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure… By the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff. Roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we’ve already notified our caterers."
O’Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this… I’ve got that Fokker in my sights."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:
Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."
Ground: "Guten Morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!" The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes I have, Ground, in 1944. In another type of Boeing… I didn’t stop."
True stories
Idiot #1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Idiot #2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Idiot #3
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
Idiots
. . . IN SERVICE
This week, all our phones went dead and I had to call the phone repair people. They promised to be out between 8a.m. and 7p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, he asked and I quote, "Would you like us to call before we come?" He also requested that we report future outages by email.
Does YOUR email work without a telephone line??????
AT WORK
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Too many deer were hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
AT THE AIRPORT
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That’s why we ask."
ON THE ROAD
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
IN MANAGEMENT
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing" our manager spoke up and said, "This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
AT WORK
I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her, could not understand why her system would not turn on.
IDIOTS IN GENERAL
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger’s side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it’s open." The young man answered, "I already got that side."
There, now don’t you feel better?