51 years ago

"I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying ‘damn’ in ‘Gone With The Wind,’ it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Houston."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the president."

"I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn’t mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I’m just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

"If they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

Sports Jokes

Top 10 Caddy comments

Here’s one for you golfers.

# 10 Golfer: "Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake."

Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

# 9 Golfer: "I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth."

# 8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"

Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

# 7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"

Caddy: "Eventually."

# 6 Golfer: "You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world."

Caddy: "I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

# 5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction."

Caddy: "It’s not a watch – it’s a compass."

# 4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"

Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

# 3 Golfer: "Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?"

Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day."

# 2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I’ve ever played on."

Caddy: "This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

AND the #1 best caddy comment – –

Golfer: "That can’t be my ball, it’s too old."

Caddy: "It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Baseball

    An Irishman moves to the USA and finally attends his first baseball game. The first batter approached the batters box, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run." The next batter hit a single and the Irishman listened as the crowd again cheered "RUN, RUN." The Irishman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans.

    The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called walk"and the batter started his slow trot to first base. The Irishman stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye bastard, run!" The people around him began laughing.

    Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down. A friendly fan noted the man’s embarrassment, leaned over and explained, "He can’t run – he’s got four balls."

    The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, lad . . . walk with pride."

Partners

    A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few

hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get

in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman

shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing

alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gentleman to join him.

    To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the

ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time.

    Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself

with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball – and directly

between his ball and the green.

    After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man

finally said, "You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that

tree."

    With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit

the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground

not a foot from where it had originally lay.

    The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your

age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

Bosnian soldier

    Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Lions team. The only

thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the

high schools, but he couldn’t find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

    Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia.

In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly

incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards away

— ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away —

ka-blooey! Then a car passed, going 90 mph — bulls-eye!

    "I’ve got to get this guy!" Ross said to himself. "He

has the perfect arm!"

    So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of

football, and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history.

    The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of football, and when

Ross asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.

    "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super

Bowl."

    "I don’t want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You

deserted us. You are not my son."

    "I don’t think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads.

"I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my

adoring fans."

    "No, let me tell you," the mother retorts. "At this very

moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two

brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister

was raped in broad daylight."

    The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says "…I’ll never

forgive you for making us move to Detroit."

Super Bowl

    A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his

company.   Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in

the last row in the corner of the stadium, he’s closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the

field. About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty

seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and

makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

    As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him,

"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

    The man says "No."

    Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again

inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would

have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!"

    The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was

supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we

haven’t been together at since we got married in 1967."

    "Well, that’s really sad," said Joe, "but still, you

couldn’t find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?"

    "No," the man replies, "They’re all at the

funeral."

Skiing in Utah

Even if you aren’t a skier, you’ll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as

written in this account by a New Orleans’ paper.

    A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind

of story that warms the cockles of anybody’s heart.  Conditions were perfect.

 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, "tell me when we’re

having fun" kind of day.

    One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in

dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief

waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress.

He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.

    If you’ve ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know

that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn’t help matters. So, with time running out, the

woman weighed her options.

    Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that

since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one

would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage.

So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you’ve

ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there

is a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don’t move. Yup, you got it. She

had them positioned the wrong way.

    Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments.

Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through

the trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope. Her derriere and the

reverse side were still bare, her pants down around

her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

    She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual

vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under

the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her

arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long

last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the

mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

    In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously

broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.

    "So. How’d you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.

    "It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I

was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn’t believe my eyes. There was this crazy

woman skiing backward out-of-control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of

her clothes and pants down around her knees."

    "I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn’t realize

how far I’d moved. I fell out of the lift."

    "So, how’d you break your arm?"

Athletic quotes

"I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." — Senior

basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman

Einstein." — Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996

"You guys line up alphabetically by height."

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

— Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic

requirements: "I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor.  The tests

don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t been through in

school."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King:

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter?  He went to prison for three

years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of

himself above his locker: "That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still

find my #%@# clothes."

Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece:

"I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships: "I’ve won at every level, except

college and pro."

Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Drew

Golota:  "He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of

what time it is."

1981 – Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching

sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations:

  "He wants Texas back."

1966 – Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn

injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost

because he broke his nose.  How do you go about getting a nose in condition for

football?"

1981 – Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team’s co-captain,

offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss

against St. Louis:  "I’m going to send the injured reserve players out for the

toss next time."

1991 – Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at

Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books:  "But the real tragedy was that

15 hadn’t been colored yet."

1986 – Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of

the refs:  "I’m not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."

1991 – Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday

afternoons:  "It’s basically the same, just darker."

1996 – Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote:  

"I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I’d get shot."

1991 – Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and

Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son’s reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers:

  "He said: ‘Gosh, Dad, that means we’re not going to any more bowl games."

1998 – David Weeda, New York City Marathon Participant, explaining to friends why he was

the toughest runner in the entire field:  "I was the only runner who, during

training, still smoked, dipped and drank up until the night before the race.  Damn

I’m tough."

1986 – LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children:  "They can’t

fire me because my family buys too many tickets."

1991 – Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, ‘Son,

what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t

care."

1991 – Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:  

"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

1987 – Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a

player who received four F’s and one D: "Son, looks to me like you’re spending too

much time on one subject."

1992 – Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record:  

"We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t

figure out where else to play."

1982 – Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim

Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:  "My sister’s expecting a baby, and

I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt."

Golf Accident

    Two women were playing golf one sunny Saturday afternoon.  The

first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a

foursome of men standing on the tee box on the next fairway.

    Sure enough, the ball hit one of the men He immediately clasped his

hands over his crotch and fell to the ground in agony.

    The woman rushed over to the man and began to apologize. "Please

allow me to help," she begged. "I’m a professional physiotherapist and I can

quickly relieve your pain."

    "No, I’ll be okay, just give me a minute," he said, as he

rolled on the ground in the fetal position, still clasping his hands over his crotch.

    The woman persisted, and insisted she could help, so the man finally

agreed.

    She gently took his hands away from his crotch and laid them at his

side. Then, she loosened his pants and began to gently massage his privates.

    "Does that feel better?" she asked.

    "It feels great," he said, "but my thumb still hurts

like a bitch."

Golf

Toward the end of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods.

Harry, his prrtner laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his 

ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond.

Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single

buttercup in that patch looking for his ball.

All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.  she

said, "I’m Mother Nature!  Do you know how long it took me to make those

buttercups?  Just for that, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn for the rest

of your life…better still; you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your

life…as a matter of fact, you won’t have any butter for anything for the rest of your

life!"  Then POOF!…she was gone.

After Fred got hold of himself, he hollers for his friend, "Harry, Harry, where

are you?

Harry yells, "I’m over here in the pussy willows."

Fred screams back… "DON’T SWING!!! FOR GOD’S SAKE, DON’T SWING!!

Golfing couple

A man walks into an emergency room with a golf club wrapped tightly

around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, let me explain," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her

ball

into a field of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting

around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear

end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my

wife’s golf ball…stuck in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when

I

made the fatal mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well. I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey honey, this looks

like yours!"

Good sportsmanship

At one point during a Little League game, the coach called one of his 7

year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what

cooperation is, son? And what a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together

as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I’m sure you know, when an out is

called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, and call him a

pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a

chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole,

is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all

that to your mother!"

These people are edumacated

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan’ all

dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan’ all the kids to copulate me."………

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes

first."………

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the ‘Skins say: "I’d run over my own

mother to win the Super Bowl, " Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To

win, I’d run over Joe’s Mom, too."………

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:

"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."………

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in

football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman

Einstein."………

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I’m going

to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)………

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up

alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three,

then line up in a circle."………

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don

King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison

for three years, not Princeton ."………

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of

heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the

morning regardless of what time it is."………

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach

Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister’s expecting a

baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt." ( I wonder

if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)……….

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him,

‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t

know and I don’t care.’"………

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a

player who received four F’s and one D: "Son, looks to me like you’re

spending too much time on one subject."………

Romance Math

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to

understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot

more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and

cackling, telling me, "You’re next." They stopped after I started doing

the same thing to them at funerals.

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU

KNOW CAN HANDLE IT.

 

California’s energy crisis

From: Steve

Subject: energy crisis

Date: Friday, May 11, 2001 9:13 AM

Dear Mark Williams (KFBK talk show host, for those others getting this message)

   You mentioned the $2,000 price of energy the other day, not
paid to the power generators, but to the middlemen. From what I understand, (and please
correct me where I am mistaken) energy is to be bought daily and that is why we have
middlemen like Enron. Enron scoops up contracts for energy (probably on long-term) for low
rates. If the state didn’t ask for enough energy early enough, it has to go to the spot
market, through the ISO, probably still dealing with middlemen such as Enron.

   So, here’s the game: Enron is nice enough to offer $10 per
megawatt to the energy producers, giving them more than their costs and keeping them
happy. It holds that energy hostage until the day before when the state has to choose how
much it wants to get, telling the state it has 99% of the energy needed. The state has to
use the ISO to get that last 1% of the energy (that middlemen have tied up). The only
energy left to obtain (because middlemen have 99% of it tied up) is very expensive, like
$2,000 per megawatt.

   Because the price for the day is set by the last seller to energy
pool, the 99% held by middlemen plus the 1% held by tiny local producers is sold for
$2,000. Well, guess what? Enron makes $1990 on 99% of the energy, making enormous profits.

   Does Enron sell all of its energy? No, but if it makes so much on
what it sells, it can throw away a lot and probably writes it off as a loss!

   Follow the money! So who owns Enron and the other middlemen? is it
people like George Bush, Dick Cheney, and others in his crowd? Yes! So, guess why they
don’t want to conserve?

   Would production of more efficient devices help the economy? Yes,
because industry would hustle to build them and customers would (and are) hustling to buy
them. So, it looks like our administration is anti-conservation because they want to rape
the people’s savings to fill their own coffers!

   Can we do something about it? Yeah, but not what the whole media
scene is saying. First, change it so energy is not bought daily through middlemen. Second,
don’t have the day’s price set by the last (and most expensive) supplier. Third, tell the
power people that the state of California will not buy energy over a certain reasonable
price, making it so it’s not profitable for middlemen to hold back energy and write it off
until their other purchases can be sold at obscene prices.

   Will anyone do this? Not unless someone who has a soap box to
stand on, like radio, TV, and the papers point these simple things out!

Steve Holmes