Blonde Jokes

Blonde in a hailstorm

A blonde is driving home and she gets caught in a really bad hail

storm.The hail is as big as tennis balls, and she ends up with

her car covered with large dents. So the next day she takes her

car

to the repair shop. The shop owner, seeing she is blonde, decides

to

have a little fun. He tells her just to go home and blow into the

tail pipe, really hard, and all the dents will just pop out. The

blonde drives home, gets out of the car, gets down on her hands

and knees and starts blowing into the tail pipe. Nothing

happened.

So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happens.

Meanwhile,

her roommate, also a blonde, comes home and asks, "What in the

world

are you doing?" The blonde car owner tells her how the repairman

had

instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the

hail dents to pop out. Her blonde roommate rolls her eyes and

says,

"Hell-OOOO!?!? Don’t you think you should roll up the windows

first?"

Young ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show

in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts

going

through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row

stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you

can

stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to

do

with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women

like

me

from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching

our

full

potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to

perpetuate

discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general…and

all

in

the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde

yells,

"You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little sh*t on your

knee!"

Blonde GUY joke

    An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work

on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman

said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for

lunch I’m going to jump off this building."  The Mexican opened his lunch box

and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump

off, too." The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a

bologna sandwich one more time I’m jumping too."

    The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and

cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped

too.  The blonde opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

    At the funeral the Irishman’s wife was weeping, saying, "If I’d

known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to

him again!"

    The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, "I could have given him

tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much."

    Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife.  "Hey, don’t

look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

Blonde Breakdown

    A blonde’s car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases

it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the

trunk. Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle

where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their

nude bodies to approaching drivers.

    Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway

occurs. It’s not very long before Highway Patrol shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs

toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on

here?"

    "My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.

    "Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks

the cop.

    "Those are my emergency flashers."

Deer hunting with a blonde

    A blond and her mate were deer hunting out in the woods when her

mate falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his

head. The blond whips out her cell phone and calls 911. She gasps to the operator,

"My husband is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice

says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he’s dead."

    There is a silence, then a shot is heard.  The blonde’s voice

comes back on the line. She says, "OK, now what?

Lotto

    A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her

business has gone bust and she’s in serious financial straits. She’s so desperate that she

decides to ask God for help.

    She begins to pray… "God, please help me. I’ve lost my business

and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the

lotto."

    Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

    Brandi again prays… God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my

business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well."

    Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.

    Once again, she prays… "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve

lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don’t often ask you

for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto

this one time so I can get my life back in order."

    Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and

Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself…

    "Brandi, work with Me on this. Buy a ticket."

A Blonde Buys a Coke

    There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine

and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened

her purse and put in 50 cents studied the machine a little pushed a Diet Coke selection

and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in

her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the

machine carefully she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and

50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine studied it

for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew.

    As she was reaching into her purse again the business man who had been

waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

    "Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?"

    She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh! I’m still

winning"

More

Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2

hours?

A: Because it said ‘concentrate’. Q: Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet?

A: She thought it was diet coke.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?

A: Wave to her.

Q: What is every blonde’s ambition in life?

A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q: What do UFO’s and smart blondes have in common?

A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?

A: They’re too hard to peel.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?

A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?

A: Proofreading.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?

A: For throwing out the W’s.

Q: Why don’t blondes like making KOOL-AID?

A: Because they can’t fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Q: How does the blonde car pool to work?

A: They all meet at work at 7:45.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?

A: It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?

A: Bobbing for French fries.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby’s diapers every month?

A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."

Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?

A: To cover up the valve stem.

Q: Why don’t blondes double recipes?

A: The oven doesn’t go to 700 degrees. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a

light bulb?

A1: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

A2: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?

A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?

A: It’s on. It’s off. It’s on. It’s off. It’s on. It’s off…

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?

A: A visitor.

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?

A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?

A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?

A: Peroxide.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?

A: 144 blondes.

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve

pieces.

A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Two blondes were trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger:

Blonde#1: I can’t seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde#2: Well, you’d better try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said

DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well

!" and turned around and drove home.

Blonde in Pain

    A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain. "Where

are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

    "You have to help me, I hurt all over," said the woman.

    "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a

little more specific."

    The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,

"Ow, that hurts."

    Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That

hurts, too."

    Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts",

she cried.

    The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are

you a natural blonde?"

    "Why, yes," she said.

    "I thought so," said the doctor, "You have a broken

finger."

Blonde on horseback

A blonde had a near death experience the other day when she went horseback riding.

Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with

all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrup, she

fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse did

not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the

Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.

How to keep a blonde busy for hours

SCROLL DOWN

SCROLL UP ^

Still More

How do you keep your blonde secretary occupied?

Give her a bag of M&M’s and tell her to alphabetize them.

What do you call it when a blonde drives down the street with her head out the window?

Refueling.

Why can’t blondes take coffee breaks?

They’re too hard to retrain.

What do you call nine blondes standing in a circle?

A dope ring.

Why can’t blondes be pharmacists?

They can’t get the bottle in the typewriter.

What’s the definition of eternity?

Four blondes at a four-way stop.

What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean?

An air pocket.

What do you call a basement full of blondes?

A whine cellar.

What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?

"Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?

This Goes In front.

A blonde went in to the hairdresser to get her haircut. She was wearing headphones. When

the hairdresser asked her to remove them, she told her she couldn’t. The hairdresser told

her she would have to take them off in order to get a good haircut and she said, "I

can’t. The doctor said if I take them off I will die." So the hairdresser proceeded

to cut her hair with the headphones on. In the process, she accidentally knocked them off

and the lady fell over dead. They were startled and couldn’t figure out why that would

have happened.They picked up the headphones to listen and heard a voice saying,

"Breathe in-breathe out, breathe in-breathe out…"

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.The first blond

said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said,"No, they look

like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing

when the train hit them.

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a

coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn’t. The girl with

the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously,

"Hurry up! It’s starting to rain and the top is down."

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so

she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband

in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The

husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically

the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up…you’re next!"

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?

It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?

They drowned in Spring training.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?

"Look! they spelled MACYS wrong!"

Why do blondes like lightning?

They think someone is taking their picture.

Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?

To see what was on the other side.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice?

Because it said ‘concentrate’.

A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke

category of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead

second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived

with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don’t want to complain, but I think those

other two girls used their arms."

51 Days

    A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the

door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five

bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table.

    The corks are popped, the glasses filled and they begin toasting and

chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

    Three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows.

"51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

    Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising

the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

    Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She

walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the

others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting

"51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

    The bartender can’t contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks

over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child’s puzzle of the

Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the

blondes, "What’s all the chanting and celebration about?"

    The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks

that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight.

Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said

2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

Thermos

    A blond woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she

asks, "What is that?"

    The store clerk responds, "It’s a thermos."

    The blond then asks, "What does it do?"

    The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things

cold."

    So she buys one. The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her

boss, also a blond, asks, "What is that shiny object?"

    She replies "It’s a thermos."

    He asks, "What does it do?"

    She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

    He then asks, "What do you have in there?"

    "Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle."

Lost in Space

    A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were

trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.

    The brunette said, "We should go to Mars."

    The redhead said, "We should go to the Moon."

    The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while. Suddenly,

the blonde shouts, "Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to …

the Sun!"

    The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing.

    The brunette finally said, "You can’t go to the Sun. You would

melt or burn up before you even got close!"

    The blonde said, "Not if you go at night. DUH!"

Getting Nailed

    Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down

siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his

shoulder or nail it in.

    The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,

"Why are you throwing those nails away?"

    The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and

it’s pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away ’cause it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the

HOUSE, then I nail it in!"

    The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You MORON!!!

The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective! They’re for the OTHER side of the

house!!"

Three blondes leap to their death

    A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three

blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building.  He suddenly notices

that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks:  "Why the hell did

you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"

    The blonde answers in a very weak voice:  "We wanted to try

out our new maxi-pads with wings"

Blonde on the Interstate

    As the blonde was scootin’ down the interstate, her cell phone rang.

  Answering, she heard her mother’s voice urgently warning her, "I just heard on

the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on I-5. Please be careful!"

    "Hell," answered the daughter, "It’s not just one car.

It’s hundreds of them!"

The blonde’s revenge

Q. What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?

A. Brown-bagging it.

Q. What’s the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?

A. No one else wants it.

Q. Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?

A. So brunettes can remember them.

Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?

A. Invisible.

Q. What’s a brunette’s mating call?

A. "Has the blonde left yet?"

Q. What do brunettes miss most about a great party?

A. The invitation

Q. What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?

A. A hostage

Q. What’s black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?

A. A brunette who’s told too many blonde jokes.

Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?

A. Invisible.

Q. What’s a brunette’s mating call?

A. "Has the blonde left yet? "

Q. Why didn’t Indians scalp brunettes?

A. The hair from a buffalo’s butt was more manageable.

Q. Why is brunette considered an evil color?

A. When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

Q. Who makes bras for brunettes?

A. Fisher-Price

Q. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?

A. It matches their mustache.

Going home early

    Three women all work in the same office with the same female boss.

Everyday, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the

boss left, they’d be right behind her. After all, she never called or came back, so how

was she to know.

    The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening

and went to bed early.

    The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa

before meeting a dinner date.

    The blonde was very happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom

she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked the door and was

mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!! Ever so gently, she closed the door

and crept out of her house.

    The next day, at coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned

leaving early again. They asked the blonde if she was leaving early too. "NO

WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!"

Jigsaw Puzzle

    One morning this blond calls her friend and says "Please come

over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to start

it."

    Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"

    The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it’s a tiger."

    The blonde’s friend figures that he’s pretty good at puzzles, so he

heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the

puzzle spread all over the table.

    He studies the pieces for a moments, then studies the box. He then

turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I’m not going to be able to show

you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."

    "Second, I’d advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put

all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Trees

    A state trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and

approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma’am, is there a reason that you’re weaving all

over the road?"

    The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you’re here!! I

almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved

to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there

was another tree in front of me!"

    Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer

replied, "Ma’am…that’s your air freshener."

Dumb Blonde Jokes

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.  She rolled the

dice and landed on "Science and Nature". The question was:  "If you

are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a few

moments and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway and was flabbergasted

to see the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his

flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and

yelled, "PULLOVER!"

"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT’S A SCARF!"

An executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. Wanting to

find out something about her personality, he  asked, "If you could have a

conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"  She quickly

responded, "The living one."

A Russian, an American and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We

were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what, we’re going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can’t

land on the sun, you idiot," they laughed. "You’ll burn up!"

"We’re not stupid, you know," the Blonde replied. "We’re going at

night!"

Mail

    A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond

female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then

slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again

went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the

house she went.

    As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,

marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

    Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something

wrong?"  To which she replied,

    "There certainly is!" My stupid computer keeps saying,

"YOU’VE GOT MAIL."

Blonde Strikes Back

    A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan

officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow

$5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so

the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in

front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept

the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good

laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An

employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage

and parks it there.

    Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the

interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to

have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a

little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a

multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

    The blond replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car

for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

WARNING NOT A HOAX

SEND THIS WARNING TO EVERYONE ON YOUR EMAIL LIST. IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY AND ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS. THIS IS A SCAM, HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS.

I wish I’d gotten this yesterday. I feel so cheap!

Signed,

The Blonde

Airline Gripesheet

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That’s what they’re there for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

Did I Read That Sign Right?

In a public
restroom:

TOILET OUT OF
ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a laundromat:

AUTOMATIC
WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT 

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT
UPSTAIRS 

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON
WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL
BE TAKEN 

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD 

Outside a
secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE
ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND
GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? 

Notice in health
food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO
ILLNESS 

Spotted in a
safari park: (I sure hope so)

ELEPHANTS PLEASE
STAY IN YOUR CAR 

Seen during a
conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO
HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR 

Notice in a
farmer’s field:

THE FARMER
ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. 

Message on a
leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS 

On a repair shop
door:

WE CAN REPAIR
ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK) 

Proofreading is
a dying art, wouldn’t you say?

Man Kills Self
Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked
who wrote this.  It took two or three readings before the editor realized
that what he was reading was impossible!!!  They put in a correction the
next day.

Something Went
Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Really? Ya
think? 

Police Begin
Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that’s
taking things a bit far! 

Panda Mating
Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a
guy! 

Miners Refuse to
Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing’
lazy so-and-so’s! 

Juvenile Court
to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that
works any better than a fair trial! 

War Dims Hope
for Peace

I can see where
it might have that effect! 

If Strike Isn’t
Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?! 

Cold Wave Linked
to Temperatures

Who would have
thought! 

Enfield (London)
Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on
to something! 

Red Tape Holds
Up New Bridges

You mean there’s
something stronger than duct tape? 

Man Struck By
Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS
the battery charge! 

New Study of
Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren’t they fat
enough?! 

Astronaut Takes
Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That’s what he
gets for eating those beans! 

Kids Make
Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste
like chicken? 

Local High
School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw
Massacre all over again! 

Hospitals are
Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they
tall! Would they make a great basketball team.

And the winner
is…. 

Typhoon Rips
Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that
right ?

Transport

>

Transportation

NEW LOS ANGELES DRIVER’S EXAM

   For those of you who are not fortunate enough to live in Los Angeles, here is a copy of the Los Angeles Driver’s Exam. For those of you who are, study real hard.

   This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver’s test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area. Here it is:

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER’S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name:________________________

Stage name: ____________________

Agent:_________________________

Attorney:_______________________

Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ____both

"If female, indicate breast implant size: _______

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: ________

*If you don’t own a cell phone, please explain:_______________

Please check hair color:

Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde

Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving:

(Check all that apply)

[ ] Eating

[ ] Applying make-up

[ ] Talking on the phone

[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat

[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs

[ ] Tanning

[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)

[ ] Watching TV

[ ] Reading Variety

[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times:

a) you expect to shoot at other drivers

b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:

a) Call the police to report the crime

b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high speed chase

c) Call your attorney and discuss a lawsuit against your cellular phone company for 911 call not going through

d) Call your therapist

In the event of an earthquake, you should:

a) stop your car

b) keep driving and hope for the best

c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones

d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the instance of rain, you should:

a) never drive over 5 MPH

b) drive twice as fast as usual

c) you’re not sure what "rain" is

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ______

Are you presently taking any of the following medications_______

a) Prozac

b) Zovirax

c) Lithium

d) Xanax

e) Valium

f) Zoloft

*If none, please explain: __________________

Length of daily commute:

a) 1 hour

b) 2 hours

c) 3 hours

d) 4 hours or more

When stopped by police, you should:

a) pull over and have your driver’s license and insurance form ready

b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway

c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

Female Flyers

    As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passergers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination."

    Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did hear her right; is the captain a woman? I think I better have scotch and soda. When the attendants came by with drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

    "Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

    "My God," said Joe, "I’d better have two scotch and sodas. I don’t know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

    "That’s another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit."

Pilots

   Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave and

they’re getting a little impatient. But the airport staff has assured them that

the pilots will be there soon and the flight can take off immediately thereafter.

   The entrance opens and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots’ uniforms

— both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other

is tapping his way up the aisle with a white-tipped cane. Nervous laughter spreads

through the cabin as the men enter the cockpit. The door closes, and the engines

start up. The passengers begin glancing around, nervously, searching for some

sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

   The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and people at the windows realize that

they’re headed straight for the edge of the water at the end of the airport’s

property. It begins to look as though the plane will never take off-but will

plow into the water!! Panicked screams fill the cabin, but at that moment, the

plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly.

Soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that

the plane is in good hands.

   Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot

and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late,

and we’re all gonna die."

Mandarin Air

   "Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for choosing to fly with Mandarin Airlines. As we taxi out to the runway please make yourself comfortable..… and for those of you sitting on the right side of the plane..… please ignore our other….. um….. airliner."  Click here.

Vietnamese SUV

.

Hospital Charts

NOTATIONS ON HOSPITAL CHARTS

Actual Sentences or notations Found In Patients’ Hospital Charts

(Proves that those medical folks are right on top of things.

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was

very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to

be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with

only 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might

like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until

she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical

therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

[just how big IS "circus sized"?]

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job

as a stockbroker instead.

27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should

sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

Insurance-Related Jokes

Frequently Asked Questions About Healthcare

Q: What does HMO stand for?

  • A: This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voicemail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

    Q: Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

  • A: No. Only those you need.

    Q: I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

  • A: Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories — those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don’t worry — the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just half a day’s drive away!

    Q: What are pre-existing conditions?

  • A: This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

    Q: Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

  • A: Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.

    Q: What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

  • A: You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.

    Q: My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

  • A: Poke yourself in the eye.

    Q: I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I’d already paid my bill. What should I do?

  • A: You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

    Q: What should I do if I get stick while traveling?

  • A: Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

    Q: No. I mean, what if I’m away from home and I get sick?

  • A: You really shouldn’t do that. You’ll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It’s best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

    Q: I think I need a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

  • A: Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $10 co-payment, there’s no harm giving him a shot at it.

    Q: What accounts for the largest portion of healthcare costs?

  • A: Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

    Q: Will health care be any different in the next century?

  • A: No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

    Drivers License Application – California Department of Vehicles

    Name: _______________ Stage name: ________________

    Agent: ______________ Attorney: __________________

    Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both

    If female, indicate breast implant size: ____

    Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way?

    Yes___ No ___

    Please list brand of cell phone: __________________.  (If you don’t own a cell phone, please explain.)

    _________________________________________________________

    Please check hair color:

    Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde

    Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

    Please indicate activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)

    [ ] Eating

    [ ] Applying make-up

    [ ] Talking on the phone

    [ ] Slapping kids in the backseat

    [ ] Having sex

    [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs

    [ ] Tanning

    [X ] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)

    [ ] Watching TV

    [ ] Reading Variety magazine

    [ ] Surfing the net via laptop

    Please indicate how many times

  • a) You expect to shoot at other drivers: _____
  • b) You expect to be shot at while driving: _____

    Please indicate your number of therapy sessions per week: ____

    Are you presently taking any of the following medications?

  • a) Prozac
  • b) Zovirax
  • c) Lithium
  • d) Zanax
  • e) Valium

    If none, please explain:________________________

    What is the length of your daily commute?

  • a) 1 hour
  • b) 2 hours
  • c) 3 hours
  • d) 4 hours or more

    TEST

    If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:

  • a) Call the police to report the crime
  • b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on TV
  • c) Call your attorney and discuss a lawsuit against the cellular phone company for your 911 call not going through
  • d) Call your therapist
  • e) None of the above (South Central residents only)

      In the event of an earthquake, you should:

  • a) Stop your car
  • b) Keep driving and hope for the best
  • c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
  • d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

      In the event of rain, you should:

  • a) Never drive over 5 MPH
  • b) Drive twice as fast as usual
  • c) You’re not sure what "rain" is

      When stopped by police, you should:

  • a) Pull over and have your driver’s license and insurance form ready
  • b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405
  • c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit

    Nurse Tails and other sights

    True stories, supposedly

    A man comes into the ER and yells ‘My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!’ The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady’s dress, and begins to take off her underwear. Suddenly he notices that there are several cabs, and he’s in the wrong one.


    A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,’ instructed the nurse. ‘Yes, they used to be,’ remorsed the patient.


    One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more that five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’


    I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, ‘Cover your right eye with your hand.’ He read the 20/20 line perfectly. ‘Now your left.’ Again, a flawless read.

    ‘Now both,’ I requested. There was silence. He couldn’t even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.


    A nurses’ aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, ‘You’re not coming in here with me. This is a one-seater!’


    During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. ‘Which one?’, asked the doctor. ‘The patch.’ The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!’ The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn’t see….Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.


    While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’ After a look of complete confusion she answered, ‘Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was alive.’


    And of course, the best is saved for last….

    A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, ‘So how’s your breakfast this morning?’

    ‘It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,’ the patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’

     

    A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.

      The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts."


    It seems this guy had been experimenting with an unusual method of seeking autoerotic gratification; namely, inserting a live fish into his anus. What he hadn’t counted on was the fish’s scales acting, in effect, like one of those sets of driveway spikes that allow you to drive over them one way but puncture your tires if you try to go the other way. In his pain and panic, he dialed 9-1-1. The EMT arrived, surveyed the situation, and said, "Son, you gotta learn to chew your food better."

    Five surgeons

    Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

    The first said, ‘I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.’

      The second said, ‘I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.’

      The third said, ‘I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.’

      The fourth one said, ‘I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their asses are interchangeable.’

      Fifth surgeon said, ‘I like Engineers…they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end…’

    Dentist’s office

    The Millers were shown into the dentist’s office, where Mr. Miller made it clear he was in a big hurry.  "No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

    "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

    Mr. Miller turned to his wife.  "Show him your tooth, Honey."

  • Airline Gripes

    AIRLINE GRIPE SHEET

    After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

    (P = the problem logged by the pilot.)

    (S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.

    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.

    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

    S: That’s what they’re there for.

    P: IFF inoperative.

    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.

    S: Suspect you’re right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.

    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.

    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.

    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.

    S: Cat installed.

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

    S: Took hammer away from midget.

    Success Equation

    This equation should be taught in all math classes! From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

    What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

    If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

    Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

    But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+2 0+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

    AND, look how far ass kissing will take you: A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%

    So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullsh*t and Ass kissing that will put you over the top!

    If I may add one more equation:

      W-H-O   Y-O-U   K-N-O-W 23+8+15+25 +15+21+11+14+15+23 = 170%