Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 4

Billy Club
A newsletter for the 90's and beyond!
"News That Hits You Over The Head"
Vol. 2, No. 4, February 26, 1990

Coyote has puppies!

Lucy's dog, Coyote, had four "little shepherdy things" on Friday, the 23rd. Yeah, only four. "But they're big puppies," says Lucy. This is the third litter for Lucy's Nightshadow Kennels. And, pursuant to AKC Rule 60609, the names of these puppies must begin with the letter "C" ("c" being the third letter of the alphabet, you see). Billy Club humbly offers these suggestions: Calling All Cars, Cat's Pajamas, Crustaceous Anthropoid, Common Cur, Clubhouse Chat, Cotton Picker, Coyote Breath and Cricket Smasher. Since Lucy most assuredly won't use any of our suggestions, maybe you should call Lucy with some suggestions of your own at 209-xxx-xxxx.
Speaking of dogs, Lucy traded in her male German shepherd, Bachus, to the Manteca Police Department in exchange for cash and a future draft pick. Bachus will wear a badge and be trained to fire a service revolver, sniff out drugs, and capture bad guys. He'll be a regular Deputy Dawg! We asked Bachus to comment, and he said (in dog talk), "I'm going to give 110 percent and contribute however I can. I'm taking it one day at a time."

Jeannie named 4H leader

In a bold political move, Jeannie, mother of two, has taken over as Lathrop's area 4H leader. "Sweeping changes will be made!", Jeannie declared. When Billy Club asked Jeannie what "4H" stands for she said,"That's not important. What's important is that sweeping changes will be made."

Doug goes to Vermont

Billy Club's roving "photoventurer", Doug [redacted], phoned our Surfside Way bureau the other night from Washington, D.C. He had just returned to D.C. from Vermont because he had to go all the way to Vermont before he got to any snow, because they've been having a warm spell in D.C., and he really wanted to see some snow before leaving for Florida. Are you following any of this? Anyway, he's probably in Florida by now, playing golf with his old pals from Clearwater.

  • Disturbing News: A recent survey has revealed that Sacramento ranks No. 1 in the country for hours spent viewing t.v. movies, per capita, and last in regards to keeping up with fashion.
  • Less But Still Fairly Disturbing News: Royal Crown Cola has changed the design on its cans! Is nothing sacred?
  • News From Hayward: Diane has landed her first chiropractic job since officially becoming a chiropractor! Diane's brother, Steven Debs, living in Raleigh, N.C., was married to a girl named Debbie on Feb. 9. Debbie plans on keeping her maiden name.

Tiffany wins race!

Over the weekend, Tiffany and her mom, Jeannie, ran in the one-mile segment of the City of Ripon's prestigious "Almond Blossom Charity Run." Tiffany's aunt Lucy ran in the five-mile segment of the race. And, okay, so Tiffany didn't actually win her race, but if it wasn't for all those people in front of her, she would have. Congratulations, Tiffany!


March 1 — Dad & Eleanor's Anniversary


  • "Let's go hecka fast, Dad!" —Thomas, while on the back of his father's Harley
  • "I want to be on t.v. when I grow up!" —Bryan, in an exclusive interview with Billy Club


"I'm still in Germany and don't plan on returning [to the U.S.] just yet. Through Doug's inspiration, I plan to visit Dresden, East Germany, where many of the [redacted] family resided. I doubt if anything will come of it, but it gives me a wonderful excuse to visit "the most beautiful opera house in the world."
It seems the East German government was more interested in building grandiose cultural centers than repairing homes or roads destroyed in WWII. (This ends my segment on political commentary.)
For my birthday, my host family [the Lehmanns] gave me a trip to Paris! I should be doing the Louvre and Rue de Rivoli by May '90. I also want to get up to London to visit my friend Martin and experience the British club scene, but I don't know if I can swing it.
As for my studies, I'm currently attending only one class. All the others were so boring. I prefer to learn "street German."
So much for news from Europe. I don't know much about what's going on, nor do I care. If I get the urge to step into the "real" world, I read Time magazine. I haven't been here long enough to know which newspaper can be trusted. Another point is that I don't get German humor or satire on the written page. Does anybody? — Michael [redacted], Freiburg

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Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 2 No 3

Billy Club

Vol. 2, No. 3, February 8, 1990
[aka Bullseye, Hard Copy, The Holmes Family Newsletter]

Diane now a doctor

Call her "Dr. Holmes" now. Diane Holmes, D.C., to be exact. She passed her exams last month and is now officially a chiropractor! Diane stated,"It wasn't easy. There were hardly any multiple choice questions!" She is now officially a yuppie.

Steve crashes car

Steve was playing tag with a tractor-trailer rig on the freeway again recently when it almost turned to disaster! Steve found himself in between the fast-moving truck behind him and an unmoving line of cars in front of him. To avoid being sandwiched, Steve quickly swerved into the next lane. It was a nifty bit of evasive action. Unfortunately, the truck swerved into the same lane at the same time and bumped into Steve's pickup. Steve was uninjured but there was major damage to the rear-end of his car. When will Steve learn not to play on the freeway?

Bill fired

Nobody Surprised

We talked to Bill about it, and here's what he had to say:

  • BILLY CLUB: So, you were fired?
  • BILL: Yeah.
  • BC: You don't seem too upset about it.
  • BILL: No. Actually, I'm quite encouraged. Most of the world's great writers couldn't hold jobs, either, you know. So, I'm right on track as far as that goes.
  • BC: I see. So, why were you fired?
  • BILL: I was late a few times, and I refused to kiss up.
  • BC: Those were the official reasons?
  • BILL: Something like that.
  • BC: Well, have you learned your lesson?
  • BILL: What lesson is that?
  • BC: Everybody thinks you're a shthead now, you know.
  • BILL: Who does?
  • BC: Well, everybody.
  • BILL: Names! I want names!
  • BC: Just look in the phonebook and pick out a few.
    [A short recess is taken while Bill looks through phonebook.]
  • BC: Let's continue, shall we? So, what are your plans for the future?
  • BILL: I'm thinking of running for public office.
  • BC: But seriously, what are your plans?
  • BILL: I am serious. But, just in case I'm not elected, I'm going to a trade school to learn computer programming.
  • BC: Okay. So, what will become of the newsletter?
  • BILL: I think I owe it to my public to continue the newsletter, don't you?
  • BC: I guess so. Do you plan on staying in Sacramento?
  • BILL: Depends.


  • So how do you like the new name for the newsletter? I have no idea where I got the idea for the name. Would you like to be a member of the Billy Club? Sure you would. Just send $59.95, plus shipping and handling.
  • Remember the pastor in Steve and Denise's wedding? Well, he seems to have his own t.v. show in Sacramento every Sunday morning called "The Best Is Yet to Be", or something like that. Do I watch the show? Of course not. I just saw the promo.
  • Well, Steve accomplished his New Year's resolution. He beat Bill in tennis, six games to five. Bill had him down five games to four but choked under pressure. A disconsolate Bill explained, "The sun was in my eyes." Stay tuned for Uno Mas: Blood on the Blacktop!
  • File this one under Stupid: One of Denise's fellow teachers has a Vietnamese student named "Air Conditioner." Yes, you read it right. Apparently, the student's parents wanted to give the kid an American name, so they decided to choose the first American word they saw. You can figure out the rest.
  • Lucy threw another one of her gala bashes at her home high up in the hills of Livingston last week. All five of her friends were there. And everything was going fine until the crowd turned ugly and started throwing oranges. Then, a couple of partygoers got totally out of line, whipped out the chainsaws, and cut down her backyard fence! "Just a typical party, really," Lucy said, rubbing an orange-size bruise on her leg.


by Bill Holmes

The High Priest announced, "We must sacrifice a human life tonight." The crowd of Mibuku natives milling around the fire immediately tensed and fell silent. Suddenly, the High Priest pointed his holy finger at a lowly servant fanning the Queen. The servant shrieked.
Royal guards descended from their place upon the sacrificial platform, seized the servant and dropped him indelicately upon the platform. The servant immediately raised himself to his knees and, with clasped hands, proceeded to beg for mercy.
"Your Holiness!", the lowly servant began. "We have already sacrificed three pigs tonight! Is that not enough?"
His Holiness surprised everyone by actually answering the servant's plea.
No, it is not enough! There must be a human sacrifice."
"Why don't you get one of the royalty?" the servant suggested helpfully. The milling crowd let out a collective gasp. "One of them would surely make a better sacrifice than I."
"Certainly not!" The High Priest was appalled, but at the same time intrigued by the servant's nerve.
"Okay," the servant bartered, seizing the opportunity."How about if I gather up all the pigs on the island and dump them into the sacrificial pit. There must be hundreds of them damned pigs on this island. In fact…"
"Silence!," His Holiness screamed. "There is going to be a human sacrifice tonight and you are it!"
The crowd listened intently to this dialogue. They hadn't had this much entertainment since, well, since the last human sacrifice.
Oh come on," the servant shrieked, to which the crowd roared in delight. "Let's be reasonable," he said. "I mean, how much of an offer am I to the Gods — a lowly servant with dish-pan hands? I say 'Give the little guy a break.' And if you really want to please the Gods, throw the Queen into the pit!" The crowd again gasped in horror. But the little servant continued on."She deserves it anyway, the old cow. Do you know what it's like working for her? It's 'Do this, do that.' There's no breaks! I tell you . . ."
Before the servant could finish, four soldiers picked him up by the arms and threw him into the sacrificial pit. THE END.


This is the poll to end all polls. We're going to decide once and for all right here and now what you think about the important issues.

  1. Who is your all-time favorite movie cowboy?
  2. Your favorite movie tough guy?
  3. Your favorite movie tough chick?
  4. Your favorite television animal?
  5. If you had to choose between being flat broke or stupid, which would it be?
  6. If you had a pet monkey, what would you call it?
  7. If it was Thursday, and the wind was blowing from the West, how long would it take to get from New York to Los Angeles?
  8. If you won the Lotto, would you keep your job?
  9. If you lost your job, would you play the Lotto?

Now, write your answers down on a piece of paper, carefully crumple it up… and throw it away.


Actual Quotes

  • "You look different over the phone."
  • "I wonder how many people have died in the waiting room."
  • "As long as we stay in the crosswalk, the cars have to stop. "
  • "You're only young once, but you can be immature forever." — Houston Astros player
  • "A classic is a book that is praised by all and read by no one." — Mark Twain


Don, February 16
Eleanor February 22

[Didn't mention Mike's birthday in the last issue. Well, he celebrated "The Big 21" on January 18! Of course, in Germany the legal drinking age is 12, so it wasn't that big a deal for him.]

This article/post is copyrighted. Please do not reprint, reproduce or distribute it (or its images) in whole or in part (other than to “share” a brief excerpt with a link to the original) in any form without our consent. Thanks!