Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 1 No 8

The Holmes Family Newsletter

Vol. 1, No. 8, October 23, 1989


  Where were you when it hit?

  • Don was just leaving his office on the 15th floor in downtown San Francisco when the whole building started to shake. "I survived," said Don. "But it definitely wasn't fun. It was the scariest 15 seconds in my life."
  • Diane was at a conference in San Mateo at 5:04 on Tuesday. "I didn't panic. But I did dive under a table.
  • Jeannie was in the Tracy DMV parking lot. "It was a pretty good place to be during an earthquake," she said.
  • Dad and Eleanor were at home, preparing dinner and awaiting the start of the World Series. "That was the first one I've felt in this house," Eleanor said.
  • Greg was in his car at a stop sign when he felt his car starting to quiver.
  • Steve and Denise were on their way to Dad's house.
  • Bill was climbing the stairs to the third-floor level of his parking garage, and didn't feel it at all.
  • Lucy was driving to Sacramento, and didn't feel it, either.
  • John was scheduled to work in San Francisco in the hard-hit Marina district that day. But, due to an upset stomach, rescheduled his appointment for another day, and was home with his kids when it hit. Psychic premonition? Or just an upset stomach? You be the judge.
  • Mike was in West Germany.
  • Doug was on the east coast.
  • Eleanor hits jackpot!

      Bill doesn't

    About a month ago, Eleanor hit a $1250 jackpot playing the slots in Tahoe! That just about covers her losses of the previous couple months.
      Bill played Lotto last Wednesday — $10 worth! Of course, he only got two numbers right. But that tied his all-time best. That's right, he's never even won $5. Why does he keep playing?

    Greg visits Sacramento

      gives free exercise clinic

    Greg is in the middle of a state-wide tour of California giving free exercise clinics. He demonstrated his fitness tips for an enthralled crowd at Dad's house last week.
      "My ultimate goal," says Greg, "is a physically fit America."


    If you were born between October 23 and November 21, you are a Scorpio. And we feel very sorry for you. You are a borderline schizophrenic sex fiend. And it would probably be a good idea to register your name with the police and at the free clinic. This month will also be a good time to have that plastic surgery you've been putting off. Good fortune is just around the corner. Pay all your bills on time this month. And be sure to look both ways before crossing the street.


    "Greetings from the Fatherland! My room is very nice. The main problem is only half of it is high enough to stand upright in. Freiburg, however, is the best place I've ever lived. The nightlife here is extraordinary since it's a university town.
      I just got back from an Oktoberfest in Stuttgart. This is the one the Germans go to. Everyone in the hall was on the tables dancing with a liter of beer in hand. It was basically like the State Fair, only not so much livestock. I slept in a car that night. According to Germans, it really doesn't matter whose it was.
      I have a very good chance of starting work by the end of the week as a vegetable inspector for a trucking company.
      For sport, I play squash. It's a great sport for us ex-badminton stars.
      Please excuse my grammar and penmanship.
      P.S. — This is off the record." — Mike, student, Freiburg

    [Sorry Mike, but I liked your letter so much, I had to print it.]


    [This week we spoke with some guy we found on the street.]

  • Newsletter: Is there anything you'd like to say before we shoot you dead?
  • Some Guy: What!?
  • Newsletter: Oh, sorry. Wrong set of questions. Okay, here we go. When will your next film be coming out?
  • Some Guy: I haven't made a film.
  • Newsletter: No?
  • Some Guy: No.
  • Newsletter: Oh, right. That's next week's interview. Well, I can't figure out why I'm interviewing you at all. Maybe you can tell me.
  • Some Guy: Can't say.
  • Newsletter: Sure you can. You can trust me.
  • Some Guy: No. I mean, I don't know.
  • Newsletter: Oh.
  • Some Guy: Can I ask you a question?
  • Newsletter: Sure.
  • Some Guy: Have you ever considered reconstructive brain surgery?
  • Newsletter: Yes I have, actually, but the college tuition was too much. So I went into journalism. You don't need an education to be a writer. But enough about me. I'm supposed to be interviewing you. So, tell me, what's it like being a belly dancer?
  • Some Guy: Can't say.
  • Newsletter: You can trust me.
  • Some Guy: Not again.

    Saturday, October 14, 1989

    Took a little trip down memory lane today. Drove by the old Edison Avenue house. What a joke that place is. It's like a forest. It looks really weird. But, at least it's shady.
      I then headed out to Folsom, taking a circuitous Edison-to-Winding Way-to-Madison-to-Folsom-Auburn Road route that I used to take on my little "stingray" bicycle in the summers. It's at least a 15-mile trip. And I was only 11 or 12 at the time! Kind of amazing, huh?
      Anyway, once in Folsom, the memories were much older and dustier and, well, harder to remember. I never did find the old School Street house. But then, I could have driven right by it and not recognized it. What was the address, anyway?
      I had lunch at — where else? — the old A&W. And there just happened to be a football game in progress at Folsom High. The Bulldogs were playing some blue & gold team.
      Had no problem finding the old Inwood Road house. (It's still a gravel road, by the way.) Whoever lives there now has put in a second-level wooden deck up against the backside of the house.
      The "white house" looks like an old shack. There are actually two houses there, one behind the other. They're both shacks. And the old weeping willow tree seems to be gone.
      Folsom Lake, such as it is, is still there. So are the prison, the rodeo grounds, and the zoo.
      Anyway, that's an update for you on the old neighborhood. It hasn't really changed that much, actually.
      Until next time, this is The Maudlin Wanderer saying, "You're never too young to be senile and stuck in the past."


  • "My dog "Lucky" keeps peeing on the furniture. What do I do?"
    • Make sure you pee on the furniture before he can. Then he'll know it's your


  • "My boyfriend is cheating on me. What should I do?"
    • Kill him.
  • "My car won't start. What should I do?"
    • Try turning the key. That works for me.
  • "I can't seem to hit the low, inside curve ball. What should I do?"
    • Nobody can hit the low, inside curve.
  • "My house burned down. How could this happen?"
    • Probably just some kids playing with fireworks. Don't worry, the insurance will pay for


  • "I have hemorrhoids, and my head seems to be getting smaller. What should I do?"
    • Get a life

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  • Holmes Family Newsletter Vol 1 No 7

    The Holmes Family Newsletter

    Vol. 1, No. 7, October 5, 1989

    [Let's face it, these things are going to just keep coming.]

    Steve arrested

    Steve received his first-ever speeding ticket recently. Of course, this is the first car he's ever had that could exceed the speed limit.
    Jeannie, on the other hand, has never had a ticket in her life! We asked Jeannie how she does it. "Well, if I'm pulled over," she explained,"I just start crying. That usually works."
    Anyone else out there like to share their driving record with us? Just let us know. We could, like, make it a regular thing!

    Tiffany gets new kitten

    Tiffany received a kitten for her birthday from Don and Diane. This new addition to the family tree hails from Hayward Animal Shelter, where he was chosen by Ms. Brouns out of thousands. "Buster" (that's his name) is about two months old, short-haired, and white with splotches of black in very curious places. All other known members of the family are completely white, so this may pose a problem later in life.

    Lucy loses it

    Since Mike's flight to Germany, Lucy, in her grief, has turned to weeding. "You've heard of bulemia, anorexia, alcoholism, drug abuse," Lucy explained. "Well, I'm a victim of wedinus frenzius, 'weeding frenzy' to you and me."
    As yet, there is no cure for this underestimated and very misunderstood disorder. But there is still hope. The Newsletter, always up on the latest fashionable mental disorder, has set up a "Weeding Frenzy Syndrome Relief Fund."

    Bill measured

    Bill had himself measured the other day. "It was thrilling," Bill said. "It's something I've always wanted to do!"
    Bill will be one of the ushers at Steve and Denise's wedding. We can only assume that that is what he was being measured for.

    Mike fogged in

    Upon his arrival in Germany, Mike's plane was forced to land in Dusseldorf instead of Hamburg due to fog. All passengers were forced to stay in the plane for seven hours until the fog in Hamburg cleared.

    Mike's new address is:
    West Germany

    Mike's flat, by the way, is on the seventh floor. And there are no elevators.

    Dad publishes O Progresso

    The Portuguese Historical and Cultural Society's newsletter, O Progresso, of which Dad is the editor, has recently put out its latest issue. For the actual computerization and printing of the newsletter, Dad called in Bill for the task."Bill's reputation is unparalleled," Dad stated. "It was only natural that, eventually, we would need his newsletter expertise."

    Diane gets a job

    After three years of full-time school, Diane has re-entered the workaday world and actually brought home a paycheck last week. What is she doing? She is working as a legal secretary and word processor. Why is she doing this instead of working in chiropractic, which she supposedly spent the last three years studying? When asked this question, Dr. Holmes replied testily, "Because chiropractic doesn't pay enough." We did not inquire as to why she spent three years in school studying something that pays less than her previous line of work.

    John builds motorcycle

    John is building a "Super-V" motorcycle from scratch! We asked John about it and he said, "Well, it started out just with some nuts and bolts, a can of oil, and a rubber hose. And now it's basically just a matter of putting it all together."

    Doug washed out to sea

    Oh, he's okay now. But, remember Hurricane Hugo? Well, Doug was trying to get some pictures of it when a huge wave hit him and dragged him out to sea! Luckily, Doug's camera case floats.
    "Praise the Lord," said Doug, obviously delirious.


    There's a new drug out there. Can't remember the name, exactly. But, it was originally designed to cure Parkinson's disease, which it appears to do. No kidding. But one of its "side effects" is that it also seems to slow the aging process. No kidding. It has been reported to lengthen the life of laboratory rats by 40%.
    It has been available in Europe for about eight years now, and will soon be available here in the States. So, if you have any laboratory rats, this could be what you've been looking for! Consult your physician for details. No kidding.


    Steve, October 10


    "It distresses me to see you … as editor of the Holmes Family Newsletter. — Diane, Hayward


    • "I'd like to set the record straight. A couple of newsletters back, you mentioned that I took my kids to Disneyland. That part's true. But, what you didn't mention was that John was there, too. I don't mind you misquoting us in that rag you call a newsletter. But at least get your facts straight." — Jeannie, Lathrop

    What? You expect us to verify our information, too? It's hard enough making it up.

    [You may or may not have noticed, but there were two articles in this issue written by a mystery writer! Can you guess who this mystery person is? No, it's not just another one of Bill's split personalities. If you can guess who this mystery person is, guess what, yes, you win a free issue of the next Newsletter!

    Hopefully, these articles plus Jeannie's poem of a few newsletters back will encourage more input by our readers

    This article/post is copyrighted. Please do not reprint, reproduce or distribute it (or its images) in whole or in part (other than to “share” a brief excerpt with a link to the original) in any form without our consent. Thanks!