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Non-Fiction 2

by bill - 2020-07-22 - ( culture / humor )

Credit Card Bill

    In March 1992 a man living in Newtown near Boston, Massachusetts

received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored

it and threw it away.In April he received another and threw that one away too. The

following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going

to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked

to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.

    The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out

the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would

put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his

credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled. He

called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again and said

that they would take care of it.

    The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now

overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the

latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as

good as their word and sort the problem out.

    The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to

pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally

giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check

for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect

that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.

    A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing

writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00

check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process

ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing

the computer to crash.

    The following month the man received a letter from the credit card

company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he

sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.

    The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her

birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

From a reader of Western Legislatures magazine:

    It is time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts.  

Here's the scoop on the three leading candidates. 

    Candidate A associates with ward heelers and consults with

astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

    Candidate B was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used

opium in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening.

    Candidate C: is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke,

drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any illicit affairs.

    Which of these candidates is your choice??

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt

Candidate B is Winston Churchill

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

Will the real dummy please stand up?

    AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he

lacked intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps

it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

THESE NITWITS ARE TEACHING OUR CHILDREN?

    A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension

under his elementary school's drug policy last week for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told

a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

    A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for

giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's

"zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the

"zero-intelligence" policy.

SOME DAYS, IT JUST DOESN'T PAY TO GNAW THROUGH THE STRAPS!

    Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that

destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire

alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught

homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

TOO WELL-EDUCATED

    In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his

college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out

there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have

happened."

ARE WE COMMUNICATING?

    A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant

and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first

child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is

her husband!"

NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!

    In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold

up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a

gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

"Best of 1997"

    A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a

hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.....

Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees"

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"

RS : "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to oder sunteen??"

Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry,boy,pooch?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine"

RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"

G: "What?"

RS: "San tos. July San tos?"

G: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English

muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"

G: "No..just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Sorry?"

RS:"Copy...tea...mill?"

G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish

mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

G: "You're welcome"

Butch O'Hare

    During the course of World War II, many people gained fame in one

way or another. One man was Butch O'Hare. He was a fighter pilot assigned to an  

aircraft carrier in the Pacific. One time his entire squadron was assigned  to fly a

particular mission. After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel  gauge and realized

that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank.  Because of this, he would not

have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship. His flight leader told

him to leave formation and return.

    As he was returning to the mothership, he could see a squadron of 

Japanese Zeroes heading toward the fleet to attack. And with all the fighter planes gone,

the fleet was almost defenseless. His was the only opportunity  to distract and

divert them. Single-handedly, he dove into the formation of  Japanese planes and

attacked them. The American fighter planes were rigged  with cameras, so that as they

flew and fought, pictures were taken so pilots  could learn more about the terrain,

enemy maneuvers, etc. Butch dove at them and shot until all his ammunition was gone, then

he would dive and try to clip off a wing or tail or anything that would make the enemy

planes unfit to fly. He did anything he could to keep them from reaching the American

ships.

Finally, the Japanese squadron took off in another direction, and Butch O'Hare and his

fighter, both badly shot up, limped back to the carrier. He told his story, but not until

the film from the camera on his plane was developed, did they realize the extent he really

went to, to protect his fleet.

    He was recognized as a hero and given one of the nation's highest

military honors. And as you know, the O'Hare Airport was also named After him.

    Prior to this time in Chicago, there was a man named Easy Eddie. He

was working for a man you've all heard about, Al Capone. Al Capone wasn't famous  for

anything heroic, but he was notorious for the murders he'd committed and the illegal

thing's he'd done. Easy Eddie was Al Capone's lawyer and he was very good. In fact,

because of his skill, he was able to keep Al Capone out of jail.

    To show his appreciation, Al Capone paid him very well. He not only

earned big money, he would get extra things, like a residence that filled an entire

Chicago city block. The house was fenced, and he had live-in help and all of the

conveniences of the day.

    Easy Eddie had a son. He loved his son and gave him all the best things

while he was growing up; clothes, cars, and a good education. And because he loved his son

he tried to teach him right from wrong. But one thing he couldn't give his son was a good

name, and a good example.

Easy Eddie decided that this was much more important than all the riches he had given him.

So, he went to the authorities in order to rectify the wrong he had done. In order to tell

the truth, it meant he must testify against Al Capone, and he knew that Al Capone would do

his best to have him killed.  But he wanted most of all to try to be an example and

to do the best he could to give back to his son, a good name. So he testified. Within the

year, he was shot and killed on a lonely street in Chicago.

    This sounds like two unrelated stories, but Butch O'Hare was Easy

Eddie's son.

Auto accident

    Reprinted in The Winneconne (WI) News.  Originally

attributed to Byron McNutt of the Vilas County News Review:

    A van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a film location

in the mountains spun out of control on the icy road, crashed through a guardrail, rolled

down a 90-foot embankment, turned over, and burst into flames. There were no injuries.

Real stories from flight attendants apologizing for rough

transport on the airlines.....

Upon landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system, "Sorry folks for the hard

landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the

asphalt."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the

runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at

the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ

airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the

passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone

had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny,

mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What

is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to

have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your

money, more than Southwest Airlines."

United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our

Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you

for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you

may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touchdown."

About 5 or 6 years ago I was on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a

particularly windy and bumpy day. I could tell during the final approach that the Captain

was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant

came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please

remain in your seats with your seatbelt fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of

our airplane to the gate!"

Embarrassing moments

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up

energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of

disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving

"right now", she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and

said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell

Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

    The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the

tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out

of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me

were screams of laughter.

It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had

gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As

we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs.

    I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the

phone.  Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.

    When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on

and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE !!!"

    My entire family, aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my

friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and

embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.

    Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again ...

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the

checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment

when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE

CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE."

    That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently

misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like

tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom.  "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN

WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

McDonald's Application

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION:  Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a

position to

be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:  $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style

severance

package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:  Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:  Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY:  Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it

notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:  It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate

environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:

  Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:  I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do

you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  I may already be a winner of

the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:  Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:  Living in the Bahamas with a

fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:

  No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:  Scorpio with Libra rising.

Article in the California Examiner, March 20, 1998

    Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt-out section

of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed

in a full wetsuit complete with a tank and regulator, fins, and mask. A post-mortem

examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal

injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification.  Investigators then set

about determining how a fully equipped diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It

was revealed that, on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the

coast---some 20 miles away from the forest. The firefighters, seeking to control the fire

as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets.

    The buckets were dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown

to the forest fire and emptied.  You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like

Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300 feet in

the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire. Some days it just

doesn't pay to get out of bed.

Airline Attendants

    Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the

"in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more

entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To

operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works

just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably

shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from

the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a

small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are

traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try

to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your

money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency

water landing, please take them with our compliments."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude

now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can

come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area.

Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults

acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything

left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave

children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the

best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: "That

was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the

airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault... it

was the asphalt!"

An airline pilot wrote that on a particular flight he had hammered his ship into the

runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at

the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ

airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the

passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone

had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny,

mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot, "what

is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this

airplane."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a

member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the

lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch

the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the

plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects

the performance and speed of the airplane."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you

enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of

the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head

attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video

surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining

in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be

strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes

over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy

and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After

an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies

and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts

fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to

please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant

on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead

compartments because, after landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew

have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire

smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silent, we'll open the door and you can pick

your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks

for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting

through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US

Airways."

Overheard from a young pilot: "Sorry about the rough landing, folks I'm practicing

for a job at USAir. Next time, I'll try to lose your luggage."

I was on a Southwest flight once that was delayed at the gate after everyone boarded.

The flight attendant said over the intercom, "We're sorry for the delay. The machine

that normally rips the handles off your luggage is broken, so we're having to do it by

hand. We should be finished and on our way shortly.

Creative Family History Work

    An amateur genealogical researcher discovered that his great-great

uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train

robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the

gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: "Remus Starr; horse thief,

sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times.

Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged 1889."

    In a Family History subsequently written by the researcher, Remus's

picture is cropped, scanned in as an enlarged image, and edited with image processing

software so that all that's seen is a head shot. The accompanying biographical sketch is

as follows: "Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business

empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings

with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to

service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the

railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned

Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function

held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

Paradox Of Our Time

A High School student wrote:

The paradox of our time in history is that

we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers;

wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints;

we spend more, but have less;

we buy more but enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families;

more conveniences, but less time;

we have more degrees, but less sense;

more knowledge, but less judgment;

more experts, but more problems;

more medicine, but less wellness;

We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values.

we talk too much, love too seldom and hate too often.

we've learned how to make a living but not a life;

we've added years to life not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back,

but we have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor.

we've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul;

we've split the atom, but not our prejudice.

We have higher incomes and lower morals;

we've become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are the times of tall men and short character;

steep profits and shallow relationships.

These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare;

more leisure, but less fun;

more kind of food, but less nutrition.

These are the days of two incomes, but more divorce;

More of fancier houses, but broken homes.

it is a time when there is much in the show window

and nothing in the stockroom;

a time when technology can bring this letter to you,

and a time when you can choose either to forward this message

and make a difference.....or just hit delete.


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