( culture / humor / jokes / airlines ) An award should go to the gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was ebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. ... read more
( culture / humor / jokes ) New Los Angeles Driver's Exam
For those not fortunate enough to live in Los Angeles, here is a copy of the Los Angeles Driver's Exam. For those of you who are, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicle... read more
( culture / humor / quotes ) Some Thoughts On Life
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pul... read more
( culture / humor / quotes )
Somethin' to think about
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
If ignorance is bliss, why ... read more
( culture / humor / jokes ) via washingtonflyfishing.com/forum/index.php?threads/155765/
Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
I used to spin that toilet paper like ... read more
( culture / humor / language / english ) This is pretty old, from the old newsletter in 1992, when the Soviet Union still existed, but it's still funny
How English is Being Used in Different Parts of the World
IN A TOKYO HOTEL: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing please n... read more
( culture / humor / blog ) Miscellaneous
Had alarm set for 4:15a.m., but the trash collectors in the alley behind my hotel thought 3:30 would be better.
At the airport, I was busted for trying to sneak contraband mouthwash and sweet tea through security
OK how are you supposed to cut a mango? No idea.
How's this for a great... read more
( culture / humor ) Stumbled upon this and thought I'd share. Here's a sample...
Look, buddy, I get it . You have a Ferrari and you wanna go fast like Ricky Bobby but maybe central fcking London isn't ... read more
( culture / humor / employment ) Don't you hate it when you're at work? The end. Wait, that's not the end. You're at work -- on the bottom floor, because that's where the snack machine is -- and you decide to use the restroom. The cleaning lady is in there, with her cart blocking the door. So, you take the stairs back to your floor, the sixth, b... read more
( culture / humor ) Don't you hate it when you're taking the stairs, looking down because it's a struggle, you think you've reached your floor only to look up and see you've got two more to go? Working on the third floor is rough!... read more
( culture / humor / blog ) Walking in from the parking lot into work this morning, on the sidewalk I saw what looked like a trail of blood. There was a big spot of it at the top of the sidewalk, and it dwindled as it continued downhill toward the front door. What the...? This building is out in the middle of formerly beautiful countryside. Maybe a coyote (or a pack) killed a... read more
( culture / humor ) This is too funny not to share. See German man's car found 20 years after he lost it in parking garage.
Almost every driver has been there -- when parking in a large lot or garage, i ... read more
( life / money / employment / humor ) Got off the phone with @NASA. Had to tell 'em, Look, I'm not willing to relocate. Stop calling! OK, so it wasn't actually NASA, I didn't say exactly that, and it wasn't actually a job offer. A recruiter did call about an opportunity there, though. I'm not a COMPLETE liar.... read more
( culture / humor / transportation ) Driving wife's Jetta while my car gets serviced. I called it a piece of $h! while I tried to climb out. Its door hit me in the forehead during the struggle. So, I guess we're even.... read more
( culture / humor / jokes ) Joke we heard Lee Child telling (though we're fairly sure he's not the author)...
If a man speaks in the forest and his wife is not there to hear it, is he still wrong?... read more
( culture / humor / blog ) Me (joking, the other day): I'm out of toothpaste! Whaddaya gonna do about it?
Wife (without missing a beat): Find a husband with toothpaste, I guess.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I married her. :) And that's why I'm at the store right now, buying toothpaste.... read more
( culture / humor ) So, I'm walking back from feeding the neighbor's dog while they're on vacation. I see my wife and daughter in the car up ahead, just about to turn onto our street. I'm looking at them. They're looking at me (or at least it feels like it). They're still about a hundred yards away, so I'm not entirely sure. To be silly, I ... read more
( culture / humor ) I think I'm addicted to cereal, I said.
Addicted? she asked.
Yeah, I'm gonna hit the street looking for my latest fix.
And by 'street,' you mean Aisle 3 at Kroger, right?
Don't question my street cred!... read more
( culture / humor / sports ) Signing my daughter up for softball, I just had to laugh at this (stripped down) Parents Code of Ethics:
I will encourage good sportsmanship
I will place the emotional and physical well-being of my child ahead of my personal desire to win.
I will r... read more
( culture / writing / stories / humor ) from February 1990
The High Priest announced, We must sacrifice a human life tonight. The crowd of Mibuku natives milling around the fire immediately tensed and fell silent. Suddenly, the High Priest pointed his holy finger at a lowly servant fanning the Queen. The servant shrieked.
Royal guards descended from their place upon the s... read more
( culture / humor / internet ) I just had to share this comment someone left here on FriendsNews.com. Read it, absorb it, digest it, lather, rinse and repeat it. Then let me know what the %$# it means! Here it is:
I comprehend that is genuinely uninteresting and you're merely skipping to the next comment, nonetheless i basically preferred to toss... read more
( culture / humor / politics ) Essentially, pretend the Soviets won the Cold War and then conquered the United States -- that's how the government is operating.
via How to know if your coworker is a threat to national security... read more
( life / home / chores / humor ) While doling out who would be doing what for today's house cleaning project, my wife Tara assigned the following to me: Strip and make the bed. Knowing me, she then felt the need to clarify. That means strip the bed. I'll just let that sink in for those who don't immediately get it.
During the chores, she told Elizabeth ... read more
( culture / humor / blog ) So, my wife tells me most people do the dishes every day. I don't believe her. Every day? I ask.Yes, every day, she says.Every single day? I persist. She nods. You don't mean, I search for clarification, it's something that is an 'every day' thing, but in reality is not done literally every single day, do... read more
( culture / humor / pets ) I love this.
via So God made a dog
And on the 9th day God looked down on his children and said they need a companion, so God Made A Dog. Paul Harvey-style tribute to dogs.... read more
( culture / humor ) Bureaucracy at its worst, legal argument at its bestPart of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years.. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes mak ... read more
( culture / humor / jokes ) Montana State Trooper
In most of the United States there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when temperatures drop to single digits or below. About 3 a.m. one very cold morning, Montana State Trooper Allan Nixon responded to a call.There was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Great Falls, Montana.H... read more
( culture / humor ) I just got an email saying I've made my first bumper sticker sale! They bought three, actually. At 33 cents commission per item, at this rate, one sale per year, I'll be rich in no time!
UPDATE: That was at Zazzle, but now I recommend CafePress (once it's set up).... read more
( culture / humor / jokes )
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window:
Cruise Special -- $99!
She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, I'd like the
$99 cruise special, please.
The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large
inner tube, then drags her out the... read more
( culture / humor / jokes ) 1972: Long hair2002: Longing for hair1972: The perfect high2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund1972: KEG2002: EKG1972: Acid rock2002: Acid reflux1972: Moving to California because it's cool2002: Moving to California because it's warm1972: Growing pot2002: Growing p... read more
( culture / humor / jokes / sports ) Top 10 Caddy comments
Here's one for you golfers.
# 10 Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake.
Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long?
# 9 Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddy: Try heaven, you've already ... read more
( culture / humor / quotes ) I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.
Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one.
If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ... read more
( culture / humor / jokes / airlines ) All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight safety lecture and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: 1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a fli... read more
( culture / humor / language / english ) Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compre... read more
( culture / humor / quotes ) 1. Andy Rooney on Monica. Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees.
2. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians. Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.
3. Andy Rooney on Prisoners. Did you know that it costs forty th ... read more
( culture / humor / jokes ) Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of politicians give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
HONK if you love p... read more
( culture / humor / jokes ) Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the
boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, a ... read more
( culture / humor / jokes ) After months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following... read more
( culture / humor / jokes / math ) This equation should be taught in all math classes! From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Wha... read more
( culture / humor / jokes / airlines ) After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gr ... read more
( culture / humor / jokes ) Blonde in a hailstormA blonde is driving home and she gets caught in a really bad hail storm.The hail is as big as tennis balls, and she ends up with her car covered with large dents. So the next day she takes her car to the repair shop. The shop owner, seeing she is blonde, decides to have a little fun. He tells her ... read more
( culture / humor / jokes ) Frequently Asked Questions About Healthcare
Q: What does HMO stand for?
A: This is actually a variation of the phrase, Hey, Moe! Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern ... read more
( culture / humor / jokes ) NOTATIONS ON HOSPITAL CHARTS Actual Sentences or notations Found In Patients' Hospital Charts (Proves that those medical folks are right on top of things. 1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 2. Patient has chest pain if she lies ... read more
( culture / humor / language )
In a public
TOILET OUT OF
ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a laundromat:
WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON
WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER Y ... read more