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The Holmes Family Newsletter

Vol. 2, No. 8
"Anniversary Issue"
May 25, 1990

[Editor's Note: This is the big one! The big enchilada. The killer tomato. It's the anniversary issue! (Aren't you excited?) It was one year ago today that a young man with a dream founded "The Holmes Family Newsletter," only to be arrested and declared criminally insane the following week. From his cell, our founder says "Hi ... have you seen my socks?"]

Steve wins lawsuit

Steve's dental malpractice lawsuit has finally been settled. We can't tell you how much money he got because there's a clause in the settlement agreement forbidding disclosure of the amount. However, a reliable source has hinted at seven figures.
In a related story, Steve is now wearing braces. "Just call me 'Metal Mouth'", says Steve.

Bill wins lottery

Bill picked four numbers in the May 12th Lotto and won $640,000! Unfortunately, eleven thousand other people also picked four numbers and Bill's share was only $58. "I'm upset," said Bill. "I already had that money spent."

Don & Diane build bed

Don and Diane have built one of those old fashioned four-poster beds with a canopy, except there's no canopy and the mattress is where the canopy should be."Kinda like a tree fort," says Don. Tours are given daily 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Bring a ladder.

Diane leads expedition

Diane led a recent expedition through Desolation Wilderness (near Tahoe). Don, expedition spokesman, said the purpose of their mission was to make contact with alien life forms. Doug, the expedition cameraman, videotaped the whole thing. Bill was there also, but only lasted one night. "The last I saw of him," said Doug,"he was wrestling with a bear. But he's always doing that."
"I think he was abducted by aliens," said Don gravely. Diane added, "We may never know what happened, really."
On the second night, it snowed and the expedition team was forced to hike back to the truck in the dark while coyotes followed, watching, drooling.

Mike gets promotion, puts in patio

Has Barbecue

[that about says it all]

Your Environment and You

With Doug

NEWS: So, what have you got to say for yourself?
DOUG: Well, if you haven't already been recycling your household waste, there's never been a better time to start!
NEWS: What if you already have started?
DOUG: Shut up. Your town may have a curb-side recycling program, and then again, maybe not. Even if it doesn't, you can recycle at least 75% of your trash! Let's run through the list of what can be recycled.
Newspaper. Some places want it in paper grocery bags. Others want it bundled up with string.
Letter paper. Junk mail, like this newsletter . . .
NEWS: Hey, watch it.
DOUG: ... can be recycled. Envelopes with windows should have the windows removed.

NEWS: Like a refrigerator box?
DOUG: That'll work. Fold things flat and pack it all in tightly. Grocery stores and some malls take cardboard.

DOUG: I said 'separate the colored bottles from the clear ones.'
NEWS: Oh.
DOUG: Aluminum. Some places have machines outside the store that pay for your aluminum. Other machines give you a ticket and you have to go inside the store to get the money. I just find the nearest bum.
NEWS: And do what?
DOUG: And give him my cans! Pay attention.

NEWS: I see.
DOUG: Oil. Take your old motor oil to a gas station or auto repair shop.
The best solution to reducing your throw-away trash is to reduce the amount you buy at the store. If you save bread bags, you can bring 2 or 3 to the store to hold your vegetables or fruit instead of using the plastic bags they provide. Avoid buying items in plastic bottles when glass is available. Buy milk in cartons instead of plastic. Same goes for eggs. Don't ever buy things in styrofoam packaging!
NEWS: If we catch you doing so, you will be shot.
DOUG: Carry a durable tote bag to the store like they do in Europe, or re-use the paper bags they give you. Don't ever use the plastic grocery bags. Don't believe it when bags say they are "degradable in sunlight." Bags get buried before they ever get a chance to degrade.
NEWS: Why, those no good ...
DOUG: A few stores, very few, will recycle the plastic bags they give out. If you're only getting a couple items, tell them you don't need a bag.
NEWS: Stuff things into your pockets!
DOUG: Uh, yeah. Pay for it first, though. There's a number you can call if you don't know where to take your recyclables: 1-800-225-5333. You can also call local authorities such as City Hall, the Mayor's Office . . .
NEWS: The Police. An ambulance!
DOUG: If you want. Or recycling centers in the Yellow Pages. You may be able to get rid of things at your office . . .
NEWS: Assuming you have a job.
DOUG: Would you stop interrupting?!
NEWS: Sorry. Go on.
DOUG: Well, now I'm done.

Miscellany

Quotes to Remember

Sporting News

Letters to the Editor

For Sale

Puppies. German Shepherd. 3 female. 1 male. Call Lucy at (209) ————-. Mention this newsletter and get 10% off!

Holidays, Etc.

May 28 Memorial Day
June 14 Flag Day
June 17 Father's Day


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