The Holmes Family Newsletter
Vol. 1, No. 7, October 5, 1989
[Let's face it, these things are going just keep coming.]
Steve arrestedSteve received his first speeding ticket ever recently. Of course, this is the first car he's ever had that could exceed the speed limit.
Jeannie, on the other hand, has never had a ticket in her life! We asked Jeannie how she does it. "Well, if I'm pulled over," she explained, "I just start crying. That usually works."
Anyone else out there like to share their driving record with us? Just let us know. We could, like, make it a regular thing!
Tiffany gets new kittenTiffany received a kitten for her birthday from Don and Diane. This new addition to the family tree hails from Hayward Animal Shelter, where he was chosen by Ms. Brouns out of thousands. "Buster" (that's his name) is about two months old, short-haired, and white with splotches of black in very curious places. All other known members of the family are completely white, so this may pose a problem later in life.
Lucy loses itSince Mike's flight to Germany, Lucy, in her grief, has turned to weeding. "You've heard of bulemia, anorexia, alcoholism, drug abuse," Lucy explained. "Well, I'm a victim of wedinus frenzius, 'weeding frenzy' to you and me."
As yet, there is no cure for this underestimated and very misunderstood disorder. But there is still hope. The Newsletter, always up on the latest fashionable mental disorder, has set up a "Weeding Frenzy Syndrome Relief Fund."
Bill measuredBill had himself measured the other day. "It was thrilling," Bill said. "It's something I've always wanted to do!"
Bill will be one of the ushers at Steve and Denise's wedding. We can only assume that that is what he was being measured for.
Mike fogged inUpon his arrival in Germany, Mike's plane was forced to land in Dusseldorf instead of Hamburg due to fog. All passengers were forced to stay in the plane for seven hours until the fog in Hamburg cleared.
Mike's new address is:
Mike's flat, by the way, is on the seventh floor. And there are no elevators.
Dad publishes O ProgressoThe Portuguese Historical and Cultural Society's newsletter, O Progresso, of which Dad is the editor, has recently put out its latest issue. For the actual computerization and printing of the newsletter, Dad called in Bill for the task. "Bill's reputation is unparalleled," Dad stated. "It was only natural that, eventually, we would need his newsletter expertise."
Diane gets a jobAfter three years of full-time school, Diane has re-entered the workaday world and actually brought home a paycheck last week. What is she doing? She is working as a legal secretary and word processor. Why is she doing this instead of working in chiropractic, which she supposedly spent the last three years studying? When asked this question, Dr. Holmes replied testily, "Because chiropractic doesn't pay enough." We did not inquire as to why she spent three years in school studying something that pays less than her previous line of work.
John builds motorcycleJohn is building a "Super-V" motorcycle from scratch! We asked John about it and he said, "Well, it started out just with some nuts and bolts, a can of oil, and a rubber hose. And now it's basically just a matter of putting it all together."
Doug washed out to seaOh, he's okay now. But, remember Hurricane Hugo? Well, Doug was trying to get some pictures of it when a huge wave hit him and dragged him out to sea! Luckily, Doug's camera case floats.
"Praise the Lord," said Doug, obviously delirious.
MEDICAL UPDATEThere's a new drug out there. Can't remember the name, exactly. But, it was originally designed to cure Parkinson's disease, which it appears to do. No kidding. But one of its "side effects" is that it also seems to slow the aging process. No kidding. It has been reported to lengthen the life of laboratory rats by 40%.
It has been available in Europe for about eight years now, and will soon be available here in the States. So, if you have any laboratory rats, this could be what you've been looking for! Consult your physician for details. No kidding.
Steve October 10
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
"It distresses me to see you ... as editor of the Holmes Family Newsletter. Diane, Hayward
PHONE CALLS TO THE EDITOR
What? You expect us to verify our information, too? It's hard enough making it up.
[You may or may not have noticed, but there were two articles in this issue written by a mystery writer! Can you guess who this mystery person is? No, it's not just another one of Bill's split personalities. If you can guess who this mystery person is, guess what, yes, you win a free issue of the next Newsletter!
Hopefully, these articles plus Jeannie's poem of a few newsletters back will encourage more input by our readers