Had alarm set for 4:15a.m., but the trash collectors in the alley behind my hotel thought 3:30 would be better.
At the airport, I was busted for trying to sneak contraband mouthwash and sweet tea through security
OK how are you supposed to cut a mango? No idea.
How's this for a great quote: A dream you dream alone is only a dream. A dream you dream together is reality. — John Lennon
Waitress called me sweety and darlin'. Pretty sure she was hitting on me.
Started off the day cleaning up dog vomit and diarrhea… with Lady Gaga's I Live for the Applause song running through my head.
I swear, half of all action films lately have the same description: [In throatiest voice] “He thought he was retired. Now he has one… last… job to do!”
I think daylight savings was created by clockmakers. Just think how many clocks are dropped and broken in the process of “springing forward” or “falling back,” requiring a new one.
Speaking of manufacturers, I replaced the kitchen sink faucet today. All it needed was a washer but I had to buy a whole new faucet. Gotta love that.
I cannot believe no one has ever bottled the scent of wet dog! That's eau de chien mouillé in French, of course.
I think grocery stores have a policy of periodically moving everything around in order to stimulate our hunter-gatherer instinct, never knowing which aisle our next meal is in.
As wonderful as everyone's b-day wishes have been, it can't compare with websites' automated processes wishing me a happy birthday!
I've decided the world in fact DOES owe me a living. But until it pays up, I'll keep working.
Had to stop and let two women pass me by at Costco 'cuz their voices were so grating/obnoxious.
Thought the guy on the corner was in a costume but, no, that's just how he dresses.
Woke up to a headless rabbit on my bathroom floor this morning. That's the Cat Mafia's version of a horse's head.
So glad the guy behind me — trying, over the phone, to talk his girlfriend out of breaking up with him — has finally left!
Old man walking backwards from his mailbox. OK.
Genealogy DNA test result. Bits from all over. 1% E.Central Africa, 1% Native (Chile) American, 5% Middle Eastern, 91% Europe. That leaves 2%, which I'm guessing is from the “E.T.” branch of the family tree.
Here's one of my favorite quotes on religion: When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad; and that is my religion. — Abraham Lincoln
At the doctor the other day, the hot female nurse practitioner said “Wow” when I took off my shirt. Can you blame her? Too bad it was for wrong reason.
My young daughter buying a painting at the dollar store: “Made in China,” she says. “They're really good painters.”
There's something just sad about a middle-aged man admiring himself in the mirror. But enough about me. Kidding. It was someone else.
I feel more manly having just used a public restroom marked “Hombres.”
A woman just referred to me as a “gentleman.” She was obviously confused.
You know you don't watch much TV when the Comcast (internet) guy messes up your outside antenna Wed AM and you don't notice 'til Thurs PM!
Started out this morning with $100 in my wallet. Thought it should last several days. I was wrong!
Was just thinking along these lines when I saw this: “It's easier to fool people than to convince them they have been fooled!” — Mark Twain
Don't you hate it when you wake up, it feels like time to get up, but is actually 3 AM? Me too. Now pretending I'm in a different time zone.
So… stemless wine glasses, eh? Doesn't that just make them glasses?
Bought a new wallet the other day. Darn thing doesn't have any more money in it than the old one!
I used the ladies room earlier just so I can complain that they don't have urinals! Bwahahaha!
Couple of things: Almond Joy is quite possibly the best candy bar ever invented; and sitting with your feet dangling is the best way to sit.
For some reason tonight a bunch of strangers look kinda familiar. Another sign of dementia, I guess.
People need to be listened to — preferably agreed with — more than anything else. If you could do one thing for someone that would be it.
Controlling a bad habit can be like controlling a car. You have to get inside it and take the wheel. Rising above it doesn't always work.
Personal observation and experience is the only way to really know something. Everything else is just what you THINK you know.
Don't get caught up in how stupid everyone is. Ironically, that just makes YOU stupid.
Comparing anything in nature to anything man-made is an insult to Nature. Translation: We're not worthy.
If you ever want the car in front of you to speed up, just try passing him!
Want a red light to turn green sooner? Try texting a message. It'll turn green way too soon!
There is no surer way to look old than to try and look younger.
Women wearing spandex in public need to just stop. Yes, even the good-looking ones. Wear real clothes. Do you know how many accidents you've caused because men were staring at your, uh, spandex?
Is it just me or do those NorthFace logos look like a bird crapped on your shoulder?
Just noticed I've apparently been walking around all day with a BIG tear in my shirt sleeve!
Be careful with dumbing yourself down. Before you know it, you'll “succeed.” Just a bit of advice, if you're one of those who does that for the sake of your idiot friends.
People need to be nicer. No more dog eat dog. It doesn't need to be socialism, but can we at LEAST aim for NOT sociopathic?!
Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.
Intellect is great, but don't fall too much in love with it. It's just one of several tools we have for navigating/creating our lives.
If anything is learned, it's not time wasted.
The person who knows they're neither superior nor inferior to anyone is a well-informed person.
Life is like flying: You have to keep moving and make constant adjustments but there's always time for a few loop-de-loops!
You want heaven? Be an angel.
Had to laugh when I heard a little kid telling another kid that they were going to an old-fashioned store with typewriters and covered wagons. To her, those were both in same era.
Can someone please create an app that will block images of all recognizable politicians? My online world would be a better place.
Where's the setting to make Siri useful? I had my phone in my hand, just wondering how to do something — I don't remember what. I figured I'd ask Siri. That's the recommended course of action, right? Apparently not. Siri referred me to some external website. Not even an Apple website. They don't have a built-in help system?
On Twitter, I don't follow anyone so much as I allow them to speak in my presence. That doesn't sound arrogant does it?
Has LOL become a universal acronym? Do Spanish, Arabic, and Nepalese speakers use LOL? Just wondering.
Typed in Tatar, but auto correct changed it to Tater without my noticing. What is it, the redneck version of auto-correct?
I keep seeing “Volunteer in Tanzania” ads online. Maybe I should go? I hear volunteering pays well!
Saw an ad for San Francisco teams, Giants and 49ers. All it showed was the players' butts. I realize San Francisco has a reputation, but c'mon!
Then there's those “Single Muslim” ads on Facebook. Nothing in my profile says that should apply to me. Do they know something that I don't?
I would post a selfie but I'd probably end up on someone's terrorist watch list.
What's the deal with Cialis commercials? Looks like the same guy with different women. And, is it a coincidence its real name starts with “ta-da”!
Can everyone PLEASE STOP sexting each other, making sex tapes, and keeping nude photos on their phones?
Amazon customer support response to me: “You have two accounts with the same email address, but different passwords. Both accounts are active.” On what planet is that even possible?
My wife was showing up as available on chat. I looked over, and she's asleep in bed next to me! In no mood to chat! Can't Facebook see that?
Wife was complaining about iHeartRadio the other day. “I can't get away from rap music!” she said. Every channel she plays ends up playing rap. Every channel! I'm talking Josh Groban channel. Even the Mormon Tabernacle channel!
Got off the phone with NASA. Had to tell 'em, “Look, I'm not willing to relocate. Stop calling!” OK, so it wasn't actually NASA, I didn't say exactly that, and it wasn't actually a job offer. A recruiter did call about an opportunity there, though. I'm not a COMPLETE liar.
Is it sad that, to this day, I remember two former coworkers' names by associating them with their “Friends” namesakes Janice and Monica?
Big companies: where small-minded people get ahead!
How to succeed in the corporate world: Master the art of fake enthusiasm, use the word “awesome” every few seconds, at least, and delegate!
Advice to corporations: Take time to think things through. Don't settle for the quickest plausible answer from the best-looking yuppie.
You know it's a Monday when you get all the way up to the door before realizing you forgot your badge.
They have a strange badge swipe policy at work. It's required first thing in the morning, but after that, ANYONE can just walk right in.
Don't know if it's someone's idea of a joke choosing this brand name, but the stairway security cameras say Hikvision on them. We're in The South.
Why is my coworker microwaving a stuffed toy?
The first Monday after switching to Daylight Savings has GOT to be the toughest. Feel sorry for anyone with an early morning meeting.
In the old building, they had a talking turnstile door. I guess they got the idea from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and their talking elevators. This door says, “Please step into the door…” after it's already moving. Good thing it says that! I wouldn't know what to do, otherwise!
Don't you hate it when it feels like the end of the workday only to realize you've got 3 hours to go?!
Co-worker said it was a bit early for tea. I said it's 4 o'clock somewhere. I don't see that getting as popular as “it's 5 o'clock somewhere.”
File this under “be careful what you wish for”: My New Year's resolution was to find new revenue streams. A month later I was laid off.
Had to laugh at how I dealt with setting a vet appt for my dog the following week, though. “I, uh, make my own schedule now. So, whatever works for you….”
Looking at job ads, I saw one that said: Looking for someone with ability to follow specific instructions. Problem: I don't DO instructions. I'm better at GIVING them.
What's with recruiters “reaching out,” anyway? “I wanted to reach out to you…” Why can't they just say “call” or “contact” or “talk?”
So now I'm writing books and doing this (tweeting). Getting my “brand” out there online, but I'm already getting sick of me. Self-promotion is not healthy.
Publishers and gurus preach that writers need followers. The problem is that healthy people don't WANT followers they want friends.
Why do all authors' official back sleeve portraits ALWAYS have them with their hand under their chin? Do like Madonna and strike a (new) pose.
Give us a break “Lean In” lady. Bossy means bossy. Nobody likes bossiness from men OR women. How about whiny? Should we ban that word, too?
You know you're up too early when you can't even make the coffee right. I brewed a pot of nothing but hot water.
My new extension at work ends in 007. I think it's a sign.
Me to recruiter regarding job: If I'm homeless and dying of starvation, I might take a job like this. But for now, I must respectfully decline.
I do some of my best work when I'm supposed to be doing something else.
I try not to worry. Of course, the concern now is that I won't have anything to worry about.
I know you're not supposed to laugh at your own jokes, but I crack myself up sometimes.
Good thing I brought an umbrella! Too bad I left it in the car.
People aren't science experiments, they're works of art, and should be treated as such.
People are like icebergs. What you see is just a fraction of the whole.
Good results will never come from bad acts. Those who think the end justifies the means are, oh, what's the word, oh yeah, aholes.
IQ doesn't matter. The smartest people are those who make the best use of their time energy and talents .. without being aholes.
I generally give more credence to former officials than current ones. Former officials are much more likely to be honest. Just sayin'.
I laugh when I see that someone has dropped out of the presidential race when I had no idea they were in it!
Positive is not always good, and negative is not always bad. Some of the worst people have a positive attitude about the terrible things they do.
It must suck being evil scum. You can't go anywhere and feel safe.
Most people aren't as stupid as their government wants them to be.
Having an Obama 2012 sticker is as bad as a Bush 2004 sticker. You didn't learn your lesson after their first term?
From now on, I vow to avoid articles with “will shock you,” “blow your mind,” “you won't believe what happens,” etc. in the headline.
Headlines like “Family of Flight 370 passengers able to ring relatives' cellphones” are so misleading. So, they called their number and heard “ringing” on the other end. That doesn't mean those phones actually rang on the other end. That's the phone company switchboard simulating a ring, not an actual connection being made.
I'm a rebel. Y'know those TV dinners that say “stir?” Well I don't stir, I just put it in for the full time!
Did you know July 1 was National Junk Food Day? Isn't that every day?
Note to self: Don't eat powder donuts while wearing dark shirt.
My pants are shrinking again. Can't explain it. Happens occasionally. Must be the barometric pressure. If I figure it out I'll let you know.
I like to unwrap a candy bar or pack of donuts in front of those office bldg hall-walkers, and eat it slowly while walking next to them.
Anyone else see the cruelty of putting Valentine's candy out for sale right after people have probably just made New Year's resolutions to eat less junk food?
At Walgreens checkout, I see that they sell Taco Bell gift cards. Nothing says “I care” like a Taco Bell gift card!
In case you were wondering, hot salt water tastes terrible. I was trying a homemade remedy. No wonder chicken soup was invented!
Barq's root beer logo looks, at first glance, like it says Barf's. Time for a logo redesign maybe?
Wife tried to foist hazelnut creamer on me. Had to set her straight. I'm a manly man and manly men drink their coffee black!
Banana, apple, and pack of mini donuts. That's a good lunch right?
First the Curves (workout) opened, then came SweetCeeCees (yogurt). Now Curves has closed. I guess SweetCeeCees won?
In the Jack-In-The-Box drive-through, the only trash I see are Burger King and Sonic cups. Will research further and let you know.
You know food trucks are popular when you see “Street Enchiladas” in the grocery store frozen food aisle.
I bought a couple of boxes of healthy natural Weight Watchers cereal on clearance at Kroger. I'm pretty sure there were actual twigs in it.
Is “falling to the ground and complaining to officials” part of every soccer team's regular training routine? Just wondering 'cuz they do it so well in games.
I love soccer, but the women players don't cry and flop as much as the men.
Had one heckuva workout the other day! Ten minutes SOLID at 4 mph on the treadmill! Yeah baby!
Watching a game when it suddenly occurred to me I don't care who wins. I turned it off.
The only thing better than hitting MUTE when commercials come on is turning the TV completely off!
Worst thing about the gym is all that exercise!
Don't you hate it when you press the car remote; go to open the door; it doesn't open; then you realize it's not your car?
Four dark Chevy Malibus parked next to each other (not at a dealer). I'm no Biblical scholar, but isn't that a sign of the Apocalypse?
If your brakes go out, just shift into Park. Better to ruin the transmission than to die! You're welcome! Don't ask.
It never fails: whenever I wake up early, I end up running late. And then I take an alternate route to get away from the slow driver in front of me, only to have them in front of me again further down the road.
Today is apparently my day for big trucks to swerve into my lane. Must've missed that memo.
Speaking of language, why is it spelled “feng shui” when it's supposed to be phonetic? It should be spelled “fung shway.”
et cetera (a.k.a. etc.): It's Latin for “blah, blah, blah” or, in Yiddish, “yada yada yada”
Wife said she wanted a collander. I thought it was kinda late in the year, and too early to be thinking about next year. You think she'll want one with 12 months or 18? But seriously, it's called a “spaghetti strainer.” Speak American, people!
Today's literacy complaint: It's not “would of” it's “would've,” which is short for “would have.” Get it right, people.
Apparently, “I know, right?” has evolved into just “Right?” Fascinating, right?