Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us. — paraphrasing Oliver Wendall Holmes
If WalMart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors …but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.
More one-liners
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
A day without sunshine is, like, night.
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
Some people say I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy … in a jar on my desk. — Stephen King
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. — Abraham Maslow
He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead.
Neutrinos have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic.
If you had everything, where would you keep it?
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.
Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. — Dorothy Parker on Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged
One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs. — Robert Firth
The meek shall inherit the earth; they are too weak to refuse.
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 — not even for very large values of 2.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they will stop making it.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle too.
This is as bad as it can get… but don't bet on it.
There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
The facts, although interesting, are generally irrelevant.
The world gets a little better every day, and worse in the evening.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
The other line always moves faster… until you get in it.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything good.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Do unto others.
Beer
"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer." — Frank Zappa
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." — Ernest Hemmingway
"Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol, than alcohol has taken out of me." — Winston Churchill
"He was a wise man who invented beer." — Plato
"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her." — W.C. Fields
"Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink." — Lady Astor to Winston Churchill "Madam", he replied, "if you were my wife, I would drink it."
"Sir, you're drunk!" — Lady Astor to Winston Churchill "
Madam, you're ugly; But at least I'll be sober in the morning"
"If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. Oh, right." — David Daye
"Work is the curse of the drinking class." — Oscar Wilde
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." — Henry Youngman
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." — Benjamin Franklin
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." — Dave Barry "People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot… " — Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI, USA
"Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world." — Kaiser Wilhelm
"I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer." — Homer Simpson
"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer." — Dave Barry
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools." — Ernest Hemmingway
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." — Dean Martin
"All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me, so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer." — Homer Simpson
Words of Wisdom
5 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
What's the greatest worldwide use of cowhide? To hold cows together.
Those nicotine patches seem to work really well, but I heard that's it's kinda hard to keep em' lit.
For people who like peace and quiet — a phoneless cord.
Energizer Bunny arrested-charged with battery.
Corduroy pillows-they're making headlines!
Oh Lord give me patience… NOW!
Assassins do it from behind.
The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
The British have a reputation for keeping calm even when there is no crisis.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
There are 3 types of people in the world, those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.
Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
Spotted on the back of a t-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: "If you see me running, try to keep up."
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Life — it's nothing like the Brochure!
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Crime doesn't pay, but the hours are good.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
Rehab is for quitters.
Quotes
"Ah, yes, 'divorce,' from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. — Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." — Roseanne Barr
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." — Jay Leno
"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." — Elayne Boosler
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" — Jay Leno
"Post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semiautomatics to Uzis." — Conan O'Brien
"Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded." — Tim Allen
"Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the house alarm. When the police came, he couldn't admit he'd forgotten the code, so he turned himself in." — Rita Rudner
Alfred E. Neuman Quotable Quotes
"Smoking helps you lose weight — one lung at a time!"
"Today, if you ask a car dealer to let you see something for ten grand, he'll show you the door!"
"Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!"
"Prison inmates are treated to cable TV, hot meals and a college education, while on the outside some people can only afford these things through a life of crime!"
"Thanks to the new welfare bill, the question
"Paper or plastic?" now refers to many American's sleeping arrangements!"
"Most people are so lazy, that they don't even exercise good judgement!"
"If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!"
"A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa!"
"The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents are much cheaper!"
"Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!"
"How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, but stealing from many is research?"
"It takes one to know one — and vice versa!"
"Nowadays, a balanced diet is when every McNugget weighs the same!"
"Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults!"
"A teacher is someone who talks in our sleep!"
"How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?"
"Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it every day!"
"You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!"
"Blood is thicker than water… but it makes lousy lemonade!"
"The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard!"
"A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!"
"Today, it takes more brains and effort to make out the income-tax form than it does to make the income."
"Most people don't act stupid — it's the real thing!"
"A wedding ring is like a tourniquet — it cuts off your circulation!"
"A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls it a brief!"
"It's astonishing how politicians never say anything, yet always insist they're being misquoted!"
Various musings
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
Mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do… write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Clones are people two.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Disney World is a people trap operated by a mouse?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Words of Wisdom
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.- Ann Bancroft
Any husband who says "My wife and I are completely equal partners" is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.- Bill Cosby
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.- Benjamin Franklin
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.- George Burns
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.-Cindy Garner
When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.- Elaine Boosler
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.- Phyllis Diller
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.-Rita Rudner
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.- Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.- Erma Bombeck
"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.-Author Unknown
I'm very loyal in a relationship. Any relationship. When I go out with my mom, I don't look at other moms. I don't go "Ooooh, I wonder what her macaroni and cheese tastes like." — Gary Shandling