The Holmes Family Newsletter
Jeannie breaks elbow
Placed on Disabled List
Lathrop – While attempting a "sling-shot" maneuver during a roller derby match last month with teammates Tiffany and Thomas, Jeannie went over the railing and broke her elbow. Jeannie stated, "You should see the other guy!"
Tiffany and Thomas were uninjured.
Lucy steals puppy
Livingston – Lucy has apparently stolen one of Jeannie's puppies! She gave it an alias – Credence – based on its kennel name Bad Moon Rising. (You rock 'n rollers will see the connection.) Jeannie was quoted as saying "Ooh, when I get my hands on that Lucy, I'll … I'll …" The rest of Jeannie's quote can be seen in the next issue. [Talk about your cliff-hangers!]
Bad Moon Rising, by the way, was not one of the names authorized by the Newsletter. Jeannie had the nerve to come up with it herself! The Newsletter is filing suit against Jeannie and Nightshadow Kennels for breach of implied covenant of good faith and fair dealing.
Lucy, picked out of a police line-up by Jeannie, has been arrested for grand theft puppy and is awaiting trial.
Roving reporter returns from East
Bill returned from his trip to eastern Canada a few weeks back. He was supposed to seek out and capture "Wild Man" Doug. Remember? Well, he's back. Bill, that is. However, when asked to report his findings, Bill only said, "What? You never said anything about finding anyone!" Well, there you have it. Another in-depth report from the Newsletter news team.
Fortunately, the Newsletter, predicting such a "report", sent a private investigator out after Bill. And here is his report:
DAY 1: Doug meets Bill at Burlington Airport. They greet each other brotherly-like, then leave airport together. It takes them 27 seconds to get from Gate 4 to the airport parking lot, the airport is that big. They spend the night in Doug's camper in a shopping center parking lot.
DAY 2: They do a little shopping, then they head north.
They cross the Canadian-American border (is there any other Canadian border?). Doug's camper is searched while Doug and Bill are held for questioning. The border guard has trouble believing Doug and Bill do what they do for a living, but finally lets them go with a warning.
Doug kills bird on highway. He could have swerved, but no. He aimed for it! Then he stopped, turned around, and picked it up while Bill took pictures!
The murderers drove to the city of Quebec that night and spent most of their time pretending to be innocent tourists. You know, buying shirts, flirting with girls, stuff like that.
DAY 3: Doug attends the Changing of the Guard at Quebec's Citadel, while Bill spends his time wandering around the Citadel, apparently trying to find a way of getting in for free. He never does.
Doug and Bill meet up again and spend the rest of the day looking through gift shops, taking pictures (well, Doug takes pictures, lots of pictures), etc.
They head east toward New Brunswick and spend the night in the middle of nowhere.
DAY 4: Doug wakes up feeling sick to his stomach, so Bill drives.
They go to a national park called Kouchibouguac. Don't ask me to pronounce it. There's a beach at this park. Bill wades in a ways then wimps out. Too cold, he says.
Meanwhile, Doug can be found wandering around the nearby swamps frog-gigging and taking pictures.
Then they head east to Nova Scotia.
DAY 5: Doug spends about an hour wandering through a cemetery in Halifax with a shovel and a camera! Bill runs away screaming.
Found Bill walking around in a daze in an indoor mall.
Eventually, they leave Halifax and drive to another national park with a weird name – Kejimkujik.
DAYS 6-8: Lost them when they take off in a canoe in the wilds of Kejimkujik. Kept an eye on their parked truck. It didn't do anything for three days.
DAY 9: Found Bill hiking back to the truck without Doug. All he has is his outback hat, his brand-new boots and a canteen (and his clothes, of course). He looks thinner and unshaven, and his boots are dirty.
He gets into truck and drives away. Meets Doug where he was waiting with the canoe and all the equipment.
They leave Kejimkujik and drive to the western-most edge of Nova Scotia to a town called Digby.
Doug drops Bill off and heads north, saying something about heading north to Cape Breton, Nova Scotia.
Bill catches a ferryboat headed for Saint John, New Brunswick.
I follow Bill.
Bill gets off ferryboat at Saint John and catches a cab to a motel for the night.
DAY 10: Bill spends most of next day wandering around Saint John, apparently waiting for bus to Bangor, Maine to arrive.
Bus finally arrives at 3:46 p.m. Bill gets on. Bus leaves at 3:59 p.m.
Bus arrives in Bangor, Maine at 8:34 p.m., local time. Bill was supposed to get off here, but he doesn't, obviously trying to lose me. He enters bus station and pays additional fare to take him to Boston.
DAY 11: Bus arrives in Boston at 2:30 a.m., local time. Bill makes a couple phone calls. Finally, catches a cab to Logan Airport.
Makes a couple more calls at the airport. Tries to sleep on couch in airport. Can't.
At exactly 5:45 a.m., he takes his place in line at the ticket counter. Gets his ticket. Wanders around airport some more.
Then he does something strange. He puts his bags in a locker and starts asking where the control tower is. (If he has a bomb, it's an awfully small one.)
He follows the directions to the tower. But when he gets there, he can't get in. The doors are locked. It's too early in the morning. He picks his nose and flicks the booger. It just barely misses me.
He walks back to Gate 34C, buys a paper, waits around, then at exactly 7:31 a.m. he boards United Flight 91 to Los Angeles. From Los Angeles, he catches a connecting flight to Oakland Airport. THE END.
Bill moves again
Bill moved again, prompting family and friends to say "So, what else is new?" His new address is unknown at this time.
Diane graduating
Hayward – Yes, that's right, chiropractic fans, Diane will be graduating from chiropractic school in a couple weeks, and has already finished her "internship" at the clinic. When asked to comment on this momentous occasion, Diane, ever concerned, said, "How's your back?"
Don was quoted as saying "Would you like some home-made bread?" [you had to be there]
Jeannie goes to Disneyland
Jeannie went to Disneyland recently. "I had such a good time," she said, "next time I'll bring the kids!" Actually, she did bring the kids, she just forgot.
Tiffany was constantly being mistaken for Snow White.
Anyone in need of seven dwarfs should call Jeannie.
Aileen writes song
Performs live
Aileen has written a song all by herself, and performed for Jeannie and her kids when they visited!
A recording contract is sure to come.
Mike appointed Special Envoy
Michael P. [redacted] of Livingston, California has appointed himself Special Envoy to West Germany. He has been spending most of his free time "envoying" with West German "diplomats."
Steve and Denise move in
Steve and Denise have moved into their new home. The new phone number is (916) xx-xx. And they are now officially accepting your housewarming gifts. However, for your convenience, gifts should be sent to Bill for safekeeping and appraisal.
And, in a completely unrelated story, but since we were talking about Steve and Denise, I thought I'd mention it: School is starting back up Tuesday, September 5, and that means both Steve and Denise have to go back to work.
THE RUN
by Jeannie Brouns
Running in the rain isn't the pain
a non-runner might think it would be
I put on my jacket that has a hood,
lace up my shoes, and stretching is good
I open the door, expecting more
as the rain comes sprinkling down
My course is not planned yet,
I'll try not to get my shoes wet
I start out running a ten-minute pace
as I feel the rain caressing my face
There's that big house that has a mean dog
I don't see him yet
He doesn't like to get wet
That driver doesn't see me
he's gotten me all wet
I trip over my shoe lace,
fall flat on my face
My jacket's no good,
I'm soaked from my feet to my hood
I've lost the key, oh woe is me
I can see my house now, I think I'll walk
After all, I've already run 3/4 of a block
I crawl through the window,
get dry and warm
It feels good to get out of the storm
Well, another day has come,
I'll check to see what kind of day it'll be
I think it will rain, I don't see the sun
But I don't mind
Running in the rain is such fun
BAUB
by Bill Holmes
In the vast expanse of Llycete Spaceport's docking yard on this below-freezing winter morning, the Mraclys, a small ship badly in need of a paint job, stood apart from the other ships. It stood out mostly because it was so ugly. Green on the top, orange on the bottom, with brown patches everywhere, it looked a lot like a green & orange spotted heerbjablig, a rare and endangered species in the jungles of Llycete. The heerbjablig was endangered mostly because it was so ugly. People just shot it on reflex. The Mraclys often inspired the same response.
The Mraclys's owner, a young entrepreneur/smuggler known only as "Baub", didn't care about any of that. He had more important things on his mind.
The first thing he noticed after falling out of bed this morning was the gold embedded in the walls of the cargo hold of his ship. There must have been several millions worth! How or why it was put there, he didn't have a clue.
When he first spotted it, he thought he was still dreaming. But no. In his dream he was falling out of a space ship, nothing but space all around, no cargo holds filled with gold. And in his dream he was wearing red army boots.
He looked down at his feet and they were bare, just the way he had left them. So this had to be real. Right? He furrowed his brow and chewed a fingernail. But this accomplished nothing, so he crawled outside the ship to inspect the doors for signs of forced entry.
His bad breath condensed in the chill morning air, and his bare feet were beginning to attach themselves to the frozen pavement below. He climbed back into the ship to see if he couldn't find some shoes, and maybe see if whoever put that gold in his ship was still lurking about – maybe up front in the cockpit.
But wait a minute! Hadn't he just spent the night in the ship, with the doors locked? Yes, he had. So, how could someone have gotten inside his ship and … Suddenly he realized, the gold must have been particle-beamed into his ship during the night while he slept! How odd.
But, just in case he was wrong about that particle-beam stuff, he decided he'd better check to make sure he really was alone in the ship. He made his way back from the entryway, through the main body of the ship, and then the short distance to the cockpit.
The cockpit door was open, as always, since it never actually had a door, it was just a doorway. He stopped a few feet from the entrance. Except for the hidden corners on either side of the doorway, he had a clear view inside the cockpit.
He threw the only thing he had on him, his left shoe, through the doorway into the cockpit to startle any prowlers, if there were any, into revealing their position. The shoe bounced off the instrument panel and fell to the floor. Aside from that, nothing happened. Baub then bolted into the cockpit, spun around, and went into a crouch with his hands out in front of him, ready for hand-to-hand combat, just like they taught him in driver/combat training.
The cockpit was empty. So, he quickly snatched up the shoe, put in on, and went to the weapons locker. Opening it quickly, he pulled out a small hand blaster, checked its power supply and walked awkwardly, due to the one shoe, back toward the cargo holds for another look at the gold.
Standing with his arms at his sides and his mouth wide open, Baub stared at the gold, dumbfounded. Then, suddenly inspired, he raised his blaster up, aimed in the general direction of the wall directly in front of him, and … heard a noise from behind. Spinning around with the reflexes of an entrepreneur/smuggler, gripping his blast pistol with both hands, police-style, he aimed toward the noise.
He lowered the pistol, and shook his head in disgust. It was Dak, Baub's best, and almost dead, friend, clambering up the entry ramp. Dak threw up his hands in surprise, then threw up, all over the ramp.
"Don't ever do that again!" Baub hissed.
"I'm sorry," Dak said. "It's just that you really surprised me. And I had a hangover anyway, and …" Dak was looking down at the barf now covering his shoes and dripping off the edge of the entry ramp.
"Not that!," Baub rolled his eyes. "Don't ever sneak up on me when I've got a blaster in my hand!"
"Oh, that. I'll try and remember next time," Dak whimpered.
Baub watched while Dak wiped off his shoes, then he invited him inside the Mraclys.
"Come and see what someone left me," Baub whispered.
[Stay tuned for the further adventures of Baub!]
JOKE CORNER
[If you know any, let me know.]
BIRTHDAYS
June, September 2
Aileen, September 18
Tiffany, September 25
Grandma, September 25
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
- "I loved your last newsletter. Are you on drugs?" – Jeannie,
Lathrop
- "Your [last] newsletter was kind of … how do you say … all over the place. Were
you on drugs?" – Don, Hayward
[Editor's Note: In light of these accusations, I feel compelled to say with all the conviction and belief in my heart (which isn't much, actually), with all the moral outrage appropriate (which is considerable) under these clouds of slanderous remarks upon my character and moral rectitude that I … uh … that I … uh … what was I saying?