And if the network you’re on has Twitter blocked, but you’re Jonesing for more of my “witty” banter, here are some of my favorites.
I’m sure it’s just a coincidence!
Five months after Congress voted to remove country-of-origin labeling from pork and beef, the NFL is warning that meat produced in Mexico and China may contain a substance banned as a performance enhancing drug.
I like horses. I like Google maps street view. The two don’t like each other.
Antibiotics can have severe lasting effects; choose raw horseradish or these natural remedies instead
Never combine these over-the-counter drugs – your life may be endangered
Good to know!
Some headlines Google News mistakenly thought I’d be interested in …
- Is Jeb Bush Right About Barack Obama and Donald Trump? — The mainstream (pro-Bush/Clinton) media keep pretending Jeb is relevant.
- Kanye West named GQ’s Most Stylish Man once again — I’m all about Kanye! Not.
- 50 Cent’s ex Daphne Joy confirms her relationship with Jason Derulo in Snapchat — I despise rap “music” (because of its denigrating, whiny, “angry victim” message) and didn’t even know (until now) who Daphne Joy was.
- Justin Bieber in hot water for graffiti promotion — When isn’t The Biebster in hot water?
- Sir Paul McCartney and wife Nancy sport straw hats on St Barts boat trip — Amazing! Straw hats!? No way!
There may be hope yet! See http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/10/151023174914.htm
So, I’m walking back from feeding the neighbor’s dog while they’re on vacation. I see my wife and daughter in the car up ahead, just about to turn onto our street. I’m looking at them. They’re looking at me (or at least it feels like it). They’re still about a hundred yards away, so I’m not entirely sure.
To be silly, I pretend to try and hide behind another neighbor’s mailbox. Then I “come out of hiding,” smiling like an idiot (because that’s how I am). Now they’re REALLY looking at me. And that’s when I realize that’s not my wife and daughter! It’s not even the same model car! It’s not even a woman and a girl!
Oh well. I can only hope they didn’t just happen to be videotaping the road ahead of them. Don’t want that showing up on YouTube.
That’s it! We’re moving to Russia! Just kidding (because it kinda sucks over there unless you’re rich … like almost everywhere else, actually). Still, this is good news for humans:
This is a bold move by the Russian government, and it sits in unison with the newly-ignited global debate on GMOs and the presence of Monsanto in the food supply. It also follows the highly-debated ruling by the World Health Organization that Monsanto’s glyphosate-based Roundup is a ‘probable carcinogen.’
UPDATE: Now Northern Ireland (and Scotland, Germany, Greece and Latvia). That’s it, we’re moving to N. Ireland!
ANOTHER UPDATE: Uruguay abandons TiSA. That’s it, we’re moving to Uruguay!
Got the below email today. Probably because they saw that I have several books on Amazon (here, here and here), they read them, thought they sucked, and decided it would be best if I took a warehouse job. I must say, though, I’ve never seen a sweat-shop (a.k.a. warehouse) job look so good.
I found your resume online and believe you could make you an excellent fit for a part-time Warehouse position in our Nashville facility. Since this is a startup operation [ed. note: “Startup?” It’s freaking Amazon, not exactly a “startup” anymore], we’re looking for people who are comfortable working in a fast-paced warehouse environment as well as engaging with customers, and we think you have what it takes.
What would you’ll be doing:
Successful team members will understand that they play a pivotal role in making customers happy [How happy, exactly?] and we need people who are flexible to do whatever they can [“Whatever they can” is a scary job requirement] to meet customer expectations. An average hour in an average day includes picking inventory, packing it, sorting it, and interacting with customers.
Just FYI if you were wondering, ‘cuz I was.
Broccoli. If you live in a warmer climate and can find a quick growing Broccoli variety, you can harvest well into November.
Source: What to Plant Now
Last Train Out, eBook (iBooks, Kobo, Nook) and paperback
Clay and his fiercely independent, adopted teenage daughter Jenna look forward to their upcoming “homeland tour” to Russia, though Jenna’s motives are beyond what Clay ever could have imagined. When she goes missing in Russia, his worst fears come true. And that’s when he learns she is not the little girl he thought she was. Their only hope now is to catch the Last Train Out.
Amazing new novel by this writer I know! Click below.
Source: Last Train Out
Paperback version is here: https://www.createspace.com/5548664.
Dare to be nice (or friendly, even) once in a while instead of “cool.”
As my brother-in-law says, “Jus’ sayin’.”
I’m a huge soccer fan, but absolutely hate penalty shootouts. That is no way to decide a game. The winning team needs to be determined by playing the game, not through penalty kicks. That’s like deciding an American football game by having five or six players from each time line up and kick field goals at the end of the game, or deciding a basketball game through a predetermined number of free throws by each team at the very end. It’s just stupid. Yes, there’s drama and suspense in a penalty shootout, but it’s a stupid kind of drama. It detracts from an otherwise “beautiful game.”
The way to solve this is through a couple of key changes with the offsides rule. There should be no more offsides except inside the 18 yard line (penalty box). That should help produce more goals during the game. To help the goalie, there will be no one other than the goalie allowed in the goal box except on corner kicks. Got that?
No offsides except inside the 18 yard line. No one but the goalie inside the goal box (6 yard box) except on corner kicks. For a diagram of a soccer field, click here.
I think my changes would create a lot more scoring, and obviate the need for the dreaded penalty shootout. You’re welcome.
“I think I’m addicted to cereal,” I said.
“Addicted?” she asked.
“Yeah, I’m gonna hit the street looking for my latest fix.”
“And by ‘street,’ you mean Aisle 3 at Kroger, right?”
“Don’t question my street cred!”
The 2015 Triple Crown winner American Pharoah ran the sixth-fastest Belmont Stakes ever, but if he were racing against Secretariat’s record time in 1973, he would have been a distant second. Watch the two races side-by-side.
Or, rather, what I’d want on my MP3 player if stuck on a deserted island (with rechargeable batteries and a solar-powered battery charger). A bunch of songs have been left off simply because they’ve been played to death. Some songs are on here simply because I like (try) to sing along, or maybe it has a killer riff/refrain/sequence but the rest of the song is nothing special. The list, in alphabetical order, is as follows:
A Day in the Life – The Beatles
Addicted To Love – Robert Palmer
Ain’t That a Shame – Cheap Trick
All Of Me – John Legend
All Of Me – Willie Nelson (Simons/Marks)
All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye – John Mayer
American Girl – Tom Petty
American Pie – Don McLean
Baby Hold On – Dixie Chicks
Backstreets – Bruce Springsteen
Bad – U2
Baila Me – Gipsy Kings
… because the old one is no longer being updated with security updates. Just FYI if you come here and think it’s been hacked or hijacked. It hasn’t, unless you count my own hack job!